CHAPTER 1
Great relationships don't just happen; they are created.
The exemplary marriages we know of have been earned. These relationships are true partnerships, built on foundations of hard-won trust that accrues over time. The struggles and efforts to reconcile what can often appear to be impossible differences create the groundwork for these marriages. While compatibility and shared interests bring us together initially, they are not enough to keep us together over time. If there are no breakdowns, there is not enough friction and agitation to prompt development. We don't need to seek stress; life brings it right to us. Invariably, obstacles arise that lovers have to overcome. Challenges vary from a family's disapproval of the union to health problems or financial difficulties to differing styles, values, and belief systems. As the committed couple meets these challenges with their combined resources, the relationship becomes stronger and more resilient.
Meaningful events link together and accumulate over the years: a gentle touch to comfort us when we are agitated, an intimate conversation, shared laughter, a cup of tea when we are exhausted, a bowl of soup when we are sick, special care to make the sexual experience extra thrilling, a show of pride in our partner's achievements, acts of forgiveness, and all the precious moments of connection, insight, compassion, and understanding. These interactions are the building blocks of a great love erected over time.
One of the most important things we can do to keep our relationship strong and healthy is build the bond of affection. It starts as a thin cord and grows ever thicker and stronger. When the inevitable stresses of life befall us in the form of differences and disappointments, the cord can become frayed. Gradually, with conscious choice, commitment, and intention, we can repair the connective cord with sincere acts of consideration, generosity, and kindness on a daily basis.
Creating a storehouse of goodwill in the relationship is like putting money in the bank. These deposits can take many forms — a conversation, an episode of working out differences, a lingering gaze, or a sincere expression of gratitude — but they all have the common end of reaffirming our love and commitment, and they accumulate into a big tally. When there is an abundant account, you can make withdrawals when times are hard, and you live life with peace of mind, relishing a growing emotional wealth.
CHAPTER 2
Vulnerability is disarming.
LINDA: Arguments don't end when one person overpowers another. Bringing out the big guns — threats, name calling, insults, loud yelling — always exacts a painfully high price. We may intimidate our partner into submission, thus winning the battle for momentary dominance, but this does not win us the war. It's a temporary truce, which creates tension because the conflict has merely been driven underground. The cost is a loss of trust, goodwill, caring, and respect.
For years, I reacted to Charlie's unsolicited criticism of me with counter- criticism. This reactive pattern never resulted in either of us feeling accepted or understood. So what if we were both right? It didn't matter. It wasn't until I stopped saying, "You never listen to me," and, "You always have to be right," that the impasse between us began to dissolve. Instead, I said, "I really want us to understand each other, and it's so painful for me when we don't connect." When I revealed my own frustration and pain rather than "correcting" Charlie's responses, the tension between us softened and we were better able to hear each other.
To move toward resolution during times of distress, we need to do what we desire most to avoid — find the courage to be vulnerable. The peace of understanding will not result from efforts to get our partner to back down, stop fighting, and listen to us. It will instead result from the openness that arises when we are willing to disarm ourselves of our verbal defenses. Personal disarmament is the act of standing undefended and speaking the heart's truth even in the face of fear.
The more I practiced, the less fearful I felt, and the more natural it became for me to drop my guard. I found that courageous honesty almost always brings forth the same from the other person. But regardless of how our partner responds to us, undefended communication is itself a transformative gift to ourselves as well as to our relationship. In honoring our truth, we deepen the development of self-trust, self-worth, and self-respect, while simultaneously bringing greater honesty and integrity into our marriage. When we give what we desire to receive, the process always becomes its own reward.
Vulnerability provides us with greater integrity and greater access to our own heart and the deeper truth of our own experience. Speaking from vulnerability connects us with ourselves and creates a safe climate for our mutual love and tenderness to blossom. That's a success in itself. The gift to our partner is our openheartedness — the access to our sweet, kind, warm feelings that lie just beneath the surface of the criticisms and conflict.
CHAPTER 3
If your job gets your best energy, your marriage will wither.
Phillip's parents divorced when he was four. His mother and two sisters raised him. His mother never remarried, and the family struggled financially throughout Phillip's childhood. While growing up he continually vowed that he would never be poor again and that his children would never lack any material thing they wanted. He married Eileen, who recognized in Phillip a man of not only great ambition, but also kindness and compassion. However, she also saw that his childhood experience had left him with unhealed emotional wounds. She loved him deeply and felt certain that her love would mend the insecurity that drove him to strive so relentlessly to succeed.
When her efforts failed to neutralize Phillip's hyper-ambition, Eileen became resentful and frustrated, often accusing him of caring more about his business than their family. "That's not true," he would insist, "I'm committed to the family, and I don't want the kids to go through what I went through growing up. You don't appreciate what I'm doing for you. You're ungrateful."
Phillip's defensiveness and Eileen's frustration created a stalemate that seemed unbreakable. But the real problem was that they had polarized one another, taking opposing positions that made it seem as though Phillip had to choose between favoring work over family, or vice versa. It was as though both Eileen and Phillip were hypnotized into seeing things as either/or. This view made it impossible for either of them to hear each other's true perspectives.
The impasse broke one day when Eileen decided to stop criticizing Phillip. She refrained from calling him an uncaring workaholic and instead began speaking from the pain of her own broken heart. She told him how much she missed him and how sad she was that the children were growing up without the presence of a loving dad, just as he had. She didn't want him to give up his work, only to open up more time to include the family. She replaced the sting of her anger with the softness of her love. As a result, Phillip gradually became more able to hear her without becoming defensive or angry. For the first time, he was able to...
