Robert C. Benchley's sketches and articles, published in periodicals like Life, Vanity Fair, and The New Yorker, earned him a reputation as one of the sharpest humorists of his time; his influence—on contemporaries such as E. B. White, James Thurber, and S. J. Perelman, or followers like Woody Allen, Steve Martin, and Richard Pryor—has left an indelible mark on the American comic tradition. The Benchley Roundup collects those pieces, selected by Benchley's son Nathaniel, "which seem to stand up best over the years"-a compendium of the most endearing and enduring work from one of America's funniest and most penetrating wits.
"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by then I was too famous."
—Robert Benchley
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Foreword.......................................................ix"Take the Witness!"............................................1How to Get Things Done.........................................5The Social Life of the Newt....................................11Football Rules or Whatever They Are............................16The Tortures of Week-End Visiting..............................20From Nine to Five..............................................26Shakespeare Explained..........................................33Christmas Afternoon............................................36Family Life in America.........................................41Do Insects Think?..............................................44The Stranger Within Our Gates..................................46Opera Synopses.................................................51Malignant Mirrors..............................................57How to Understand International Finance........................59Kiddie-Kar Travel..............................................61Uncle Edith's Ghost Story......................................67French for Americans...........................................71Is This the Missing Link?......................................76The Mystery of the Poisoned Kipper.............................79"Ask That Man".................................................83Editha's Christmas Burglar.....................................87What Does It Mean?.............................................92A Talk to Young Men............................................94Paul Revere's Ride.............................................98Throwing Back the European Offensive...........................103More Songs for Meller..........................................108Compiling an American Tragedy..................................111Inter-office Memo..............................................114Fascinating Crimes.............................................121Back to the Game...............................................124The Typical New Yorker.........................................130Carnival Week in Sunny Las Los.................................138Another Uncle Edith Christmas Story............................143If These Old Walls Could Talk!.................................149Happy Childhood Tales..........................................152The Sunday Menace..............................................155Can We Believe Our Eyes?.......................................160The King's English: Not Murder but Suicide.....................164"One Minute, Pleaser...........................................169Looking Shakespeare Over.......................................174How I Create...................................................178First—Catch Your Criminal................................183The Noon Telephone Operator....................................187Fall In!.......................................................190"Could You Tell Me ...?".......................................194The Wreck of the Sunday Paper..................................198What—No Budapest?........................................201Minds Eye Trouble..............................................204How to Understand Music........................................210The King and the Old Man.......................................214The Real Public Enemies........................................217Matinees—Wednesdays and Saturdays........................222The Chinese Situation..........................................227Saturdays Smells...............................................230Route Nationale 14.............................................233Naming Our Flowers.............................................239Johnny-on-the-Spot.............................................241Down with Pigeons..............................................244Contributors to This Issue.....................................249No Pullmans, Please!...........................................251Mysteries from the Sky.........................................253Isn't It Remarkable?...........................................255Do Dreams Go by Opposites?.....................................257News from Home.................................................259The Children's Hour............................................262Back to Mozart.................................................264Spy Scares.....................................................266Artist's Model Succumbs!.......................................268Ladies Wild....................................................270Cocktail Hour..................................................275Why We Laugh—or Do We?...................................277Weather Records................................................281Home Made Jokes................................................283Men of Harlech!................................................285Summer Shirtings...............................................289Word Torture...................................................292"I Know of It".................................................294The Card.......................................................296How Long Can You Live?.........................................299My Face........................................................301Easy Tests.....................................................305Encore.........................................................307Hey, Waiter!...................................................309Sporting Life in America.......................................314Why I Am Pale..................................................319Whoa!..........................................................322The Menace of Buttered Toast...................................323Do I Hear Twenty Thousand?.....................................326
NEWSPAPER accounts of trial cross-examinations always bring out the cleverest in me. They induce day dreams in which I am the witness on the stand, and if you don t know some of my imaginary comebacks to an imaginary cross-examiner (Doe vs. Benchley: 482-U.S.-367-398), you have missed some of the most stimulating reading in the history of American jurisprudence.
These little reveries usually take place shortly after I have read the transcript of a trial, while I am on a long taxi ride or seated at a desk with plenty of other work to do. I like them best when I have work to do, as they deplete me mentally so that I am forced to go and lie down after a particularly sharp verbal rally. The knowledge that I have completely floored my adversary, and the imaginary congratulations of my friends (also imaginary), seem more worthwhile than any amount of fiddling work done.
During these cross-questionings I am always very calm. Calm in a nice way, that is—never cocky. However frantic my inquisitor may wax (and you should see his face at times—it's purple!), I just sit there, burning him up with each answer, winning the admiration of the courtroom, and, at times, even a smile from the judge himself. At the end of my examination, the judge is crazy about me.
Just what the trial is about, I never get quite clear in my mind. Sometimes the subject changes in the middle of the questioning, to allow for the insertion of an especially good crack on my part. I don't think that I am ever actually the defendant, although I don't know why I should feel that I am immune from trial by a jury of my peers—if such...
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