Don't Roll Your Eyes: Making In-Laws into Family - Softcover

Nemzoff, Ruth

Softcover

ISBN 10: 0230338992 ISBN 13: 9780230338999

Verlag: Griffin, 2012

Inhaltsangabe

More than two million couples wed every year in the United States, bringing together a whole new family unit. The extended family may now include a hard to please mother-in-law who criticizes her daughter-in-law's childrearing; or a patriarchal father-in-law who expects all the kin round the dinner table every Sunday; or a new spouse, who a year or decade out, still gets shellshock visiting the in-laws. If that wasn't cause enough for a stiff drink, more than a million couples divorce each year, creating hard to define family structures. How do families handle the inevitable friction and how do they make sense of evolving family relationships? Ruth Nemzoff, an expert in family dynamics, empowers family members across the generations to define and create lasting bonds, including how to:

*Welcome a new in-law from a different culture and religion into your family.

*Not let differences of politics or philosophy impact quality time with the extended family.

*Respond to major life changes in an in-law's life, including financial crises, illnesses, or career changes.

*Retain warm connections with in-laws even amidst divorce and remarriage.

This is a must read for anyone dealing with a difficult in-law as well as anyone who will soon be welcoming a new member to their family.

Über diesen Titel

Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Ruth Nemzoff is the author of Don't Bite Your Tongue, and a popular speaker on the topic of parenting adult children and family dynamics, including at the AARP. Ruth was profiled or interviewed for many national and local papers and radio and television, including The Boston Globe, The Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Jewish Advocate, and InterFaith Family. She is a resident scholar at Brandeis University's Women's Studies Research Center, and lives in Boston, MA.

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Don't Roll Your Eyes

Making In-Laws into Family

By Ruth Nemzoff

St. Martin's Press

Copyright © 2012 Ruth Nemzoff
All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-0-230-33899-9

Contents

Disclaimer, 
Acknowledgments, 
1. Why We Make In-Laws into Outlaws, 
2. Where Do I Fit In? The In-Law Parents Speak, 
3. How Many People Did I Marry? The Adult Children Speak, 
4. Have I Been Displaced? The Siblings Speak, 
5. Dueling and Other In-Law Games: The Two (or More) Sets of In-Laws, 
6. In Love, but Not in Law: Unrelated "In-Laws", 
7. Diversity Comes Home: Intermarriage, 
8. Whose Child Is This? Grandparents, Parents, and Grandchildren, 
9. More Money, More Problems, Less Money, Still Problems, 
10. Until Death Do Us Part: Prepare for Illness and Death, 
11. Do Unto Your In-Laws, 
Appendix 1: Films and Videos, 
Appendix 2: Suggested Websites, 
Notes, 
Bibliography, 
Index, 

CHAPTER 1

Why We Make In-Laws into Outlaws

FAMILY TIES WITHOUT THE BONDS

Any family relationship is complex, but in-law relationships are particularly difficult because they have the obligations and expectations of family without the benefits of intimacy, comfort, and support. This is especially true when the relationships are new. In-laws do not know each other's personality quirks and passions. They have little idea which buttons they can push, what happens when they push one, and which buttons the new person will push in them. They have not survived disagreements and arguments. In-laws do not share a common history. They are virtual strangers.

The expectation that these strangers will immediately become loving members of our clans is unrealistic. It takes years to merge a newcomer into the family. Many misunderstandings may be suffered before in-laws can trust that they can truly work together, and many never do. On the positive side, in-laws also lack the "baggage" that comes from years of less-than-positive family interactions. That can make the new in-law easier to deal with than one's own offspring or one's own parents.

Nonetheless, from the very beginning, in-laws are expected to be present at events only open to family. Or in-laws may be imposed upon for favors or commitments usually reserved for close friends. Sometimes they are asked for financial or personal sacrifices greater than they would request from their closest friends. Either generation might resent these requests from someone related by neither blood nor choice.

NEITHER PARENTS' NOR ADULT KIDS' CHOICE

We become an in-law by a decision made by someone else. The younger generation makes the choice of partner, but they have no say in all the relatives who come along with their mate. The older generation often has no input. Both generations feel resentful that they are saddled with relations and obligations they did not choose. Those who wish to control their own fates are frustrated. Parents assumed their child would marry someone from their own socioeconomic, cultural, national, or religious group, but the child chooses differently. Or the parents assume their child would marry a perfect superstar, but instead he or she marries a mere mortal. In short, the reality does not measure up to the parents' fantasy. The in-law child, too, faces disappointment. Some have barely met the in-laws before they find themselves enmeshed in their spouse's family. The new family differs in ways large and small. One family may be closer, the other more distant. The new in-law family may have all the friction of one's own family plus some new and unfamiliar problems. How easy it is for everyone to be disappointed. Other times, parents are thrilled at first and disappointed later. The disillusionment can come for any number of reasons. Perhaps the parents had hoped they would be included in the lives of their grandchildren and they are not. Or perhaps siblings are asked to babysit more than they want. Sometimes parents become irate at the in-law child because they cannot protect their own children from mistakes and so they fault the in-law child. Parents often blame the in-law because it is too painful to admit that their own children and grandchildren are just as imperfect as their own families. In brief, they have their own version of ideal, and they blame the in-law for the imperfections that are part of life.

In-law children may have expected no relationship with the parents of their new spouse and discover that they are embedded in a whole circle they did not bargain for. They may be expected to help out their spouse's parents and siblings on the weekend or socialize with family, when they don't have time for their own friends and family. Or they may have expected the in-laws to fill in all the holes their parents left and they do not. They may have wanted the perfect parents who are all-forgiving and who give money and time generously, only to find their in-laws are just as flawed as their own parents. The parents-in-law may be completely involved in their own lives and have little time or interest in getting to know the new family member. Both generations must cope with the imperfect.

WHEN THE SUBTEXT IS GENDER

Women are still held responsible for fostering kin bonds. Mothers-in-law often assume that their daughters-in-law will take on what were the sons' responsibilities toward his parents. They expect their daughters-in-law to be the family communicators because at one time they were required to be. However, the role of daughters-in-law has changed. Now families divide communication, if for no other reason than the advent of personal communication devices.

Today, many of us have our own cell phone and e-mail account. The young couple negotiates how and who will be responsible for their social connections. Some couples divide the responsibilities for social life along gender lines, others divide along affiliative lines, and still others divide by time: he's in charge of the weekend calendar; she's in charge of the weekdays. The woman is no longer the only one responsible for family life. Mothers-in-law are hurt when their daughters-in-law do not remember birthdays or anniversaries or call to chat. When the son does not call, the parents assume the daughter-in-law failed to remind him, though she may figure her husband has taken care of the communication. It's easy to blame the daughter-in-law.

Complaints about in-law children often are based on outdated notions of what is appropriate for each gender. Most frequently, mothers complain, "My daughter-in-law raises the children with too many [or too few] rules." Fathers complain, "My son-in-law is not a good provider" or "My son-in-law can't fix anything around the house."

But gender roles have changed. Many fathers participate in child rearing and influence their children's characters and behaviors. More and more women work outside the home. Some earn as much or more than their husbands. Gender-based criticisms miss the mark today.

Daughters-in-laws' expectations, too, can affect the quality of the relationship along gender lines. If daughters-in-law expect a second mother or a readily available babysitter and the mother-in-law wants to forge ahead in her own career and has limited time for family responsibilities, both will be dissatisfied. Mothers in the parent generation may also be working outside the home or be engrossed in their own activities, or they may simply feel that they raised their own children and have no desire or feel too old to repeat the...

Details zur Ausgabe

• Verlag: Griffin
• Erscheinungsdatum: 2012
• Sprache: Englisch
• ISBN 10: 0230338992
• ISBN 13: 9780230338999
• Einband: Taschenbuch
• Anzahl der Seiten: 258
• Kontakt zum Hersteller: Nicht verfügbar
• Verantwortliche Person: gpsr@libri.de; gpsr@libri.de; ; Europaallee 1; Bad Hersfeld; 36244; Deutschland