Git-r-done - Hardcover

Larry The Cable Guy; Larry

Hardcover

ISBN 10: 0307237427 ISBN 13: 9780307237422

Verlag: Crown Pub, 2005

Inhaltsangabe

One of America's most successful stand-up comics, Larry the Cable Guy shares his hilarious blue-collar reflections on life, love, his eccentric family, NASCAR, battle with the bulge, and other politically incorrect topics. 150,000 first printing.

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Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Larry the Cable Guy is one of America’s funniest―and most successful―stand-up comedians, appearing solo and as part of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Larry’s debut CD, Lord, I Apologize (2001), was in the top 20 on the comedy charts for nearly two full years and has been RIAA-certified gold. In 2003, a Comedy Central airing of Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie was the highest-rated movie in the network’s history. A year later, Larry released Larry the Cable Guy: Git-R-Done on DVD, which sold more than a million and a half copies, and since then he’s become part of the highly rated television show Blue Collar TV. His latest CD, The Right to Bare Arms, is the only comedy album ever to debut at number one on the country charts, where it stayed for four weeks, and is also RIAA-certified gold. Git-R-Done is his first book.

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Chapter 1

GIT-R-DONE!!!

WELL, HERE WE GO. This is the first book I've written since 1975, when I was in the 7th grade and wrote Boogers Are Good Eatin'. Regardless of the title, that 27-page pamphlet earned me a C+ as well as several ass beatings from the class bully.

When they approached me to do this, I thought there's no way I could possibly find the time. I have all these other projects. I have a CD to put out. I have my tour schedule. I have to get a lawyer in Florida to help me fight the Supreme Court so I can keep the air hose in my blowup doll. So little time.

But after several days of . . . meditation . . . medication . . . masturbation! That's it! I not only decided to do it, I promised myself that this book would make Boogers Are Good Eatin' look like a seventh grader's pamphlet.

Set the bar high, that's what I always say.

I figure the thing most people want to know about me--other than how I keep my ass so muscular and hard--would be how I came by the name Larry the Cable Guy, and how I started doing social commentaries for radio stations across the country. Good questions, so let me get into this incredible story full of intrigue and dick jokes. (I'm glad no one is askin' about that time I was sodomized by Dick Van Patten.)

Since I don't want to waste your time with that boring "good old days" crap, I'll give ya a brief summary of how I came about in this world. My dad was a preacher; my mom ran the Tilt-a-Whirl at the fair. Somehow they met, had some teeth fixed, and got married.

I was born in 1963, as a C-section baby. I was born in section C of a Waylon Jennings concert! My dad thought they had good seats until my mom's water broke. They were great parents and the only blemish was when my dad beat me after reading my 7th-grade pamphlet Boogers Are Good Eatin'.

I started doin' stand-up comedy in 1985 right after I blew out my knee doing porno movies. Speakin' of the porno industry, there's a drive-in porno theater next to my log trailer here in Florida. It's pretty big. They call it the Herpes Simplex 2. Last week I went there to see a double feature, Red Patch Adams and Citizen Cankor. Before the second feature, I got arrested for car jacking!!!

(Already this is either the funniest book you've ever read or the dumbest, and I know it ain't the dumbest if you've read Boogers Are Good Eatin' or Al Franken's last book.)

OK, time to fess up: I actually didn't work in the porn industry. I blew out my knee tripping over an Alice Does Anal tape while runnin' for the phone.

Which reminds me . . . I used to date a girl named Alice. I met her at Hooters. She was really unique. She didn't have big boobs, but she could turn her head in a circle just like an owl.

But enough about Alice (isn't that an old Glen Campbell song?), let's get back to my story.

In 1991 there was a radio station in Tampa called 95 YNF. It was an awesome station that at the time no one could touch in the ratings. The station had hired a good buddy of mine, a comedian, to be a sidekick. He called me one day and said he needed some friends to call in and do some comedy.

I wanted to do this so bad that I had the phone checked on the top of the pole. Every day I would climb up and down it just to be heard by households across the bay.

I started callin' in as Iris, an old Jewish woman from Boca Raton. She was a fun character to impersonate until my throat started hurting from doin' her raspy voice all the time. I then became alarmed when I suddenly found myself stealing food and Sweet'N Low packets from buffets; I also developed this obsession with playing bingo and started askin' strange questions like who was running for the condo board.

And I didn't even own a condo.

I had to do something. I tried changin' my character's name from Iris to Rose. Unfortunately, I was still using that same raspy voice, so I ran into the same problems except for one thing: Rose didn't like Sweet'N Low.

For the next few months I would do all these different characters for the station. Some I rated as pretty good: the Fartin' Retard (pure genius), Cowman, Pigman, and various queer voices. Some came out pretty bad: Penis Pete, the Human Turd (that could have been funny if just given a chance), and various queer voices.

I could never find one I really could put my heart into until I realized I could call in as myself if I just changed my name. WOW! What a brilliant concept! Be myself and change my name! Y'all are probably already asking how I could possibly get away with that, right? Let's read on!

To understand how I came up with my name, y'all first need a little background on how I grew up. Ya know, when I did the Blue Collar Tour, I was the only guy there that wasn't born in the South. I was the only guy that wasn't born with the accent. And I was the only guy that had auditioned for Hustler on Ice.

I was, however, the only guy on the tour that actually grew up on a farm and lived the life.

My parents raised me on a pig farm outside a little town called Pawnee City, Nebraska. Ya might say it was a small town. The city hall came up to my chin. Pawnee City had around 1,200 people at the time. However, if ya counted critters, we would have been only a little smaller than China. But since we're not countin' critters . . . But come to think of it, Mildred Green could have counted as a critter considering she had more body hair than most collie dogs, so let's put the population at around 1,199.

Anyway, to make a long story even longer, I grew up in this town doin' most things country boys my age do: ridin' horses, feedin' cattle, lettin' the dog lick peanut butter off your privates . . .

I know. That sounds disgustin' but, hey, gimme a break! There were only 12 girls in my whole class. Besides, I was young and needed the money. I do regret the peanut butter thing, though. I can just see that turnin' up on TV one day and ruinin' my career:

"LARRY THE CABLE GUY'S PEANUT BUTTER TAPES ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD! FOLLOWED BY AN ALL NEW EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND."

The other boys in Pawnee City hunted a lot. I was never that big a hunter. Don't get me wrong, I love to hunt; I just never have time. When I was a kid, I did get a BB gun after I got confirmed, and my dad said to only shoot what I wanted to eat. So I went out and shot my neighbors' redheaded daughter in the ass. Hey, I was hungry for some pumpkin' pie, by God! Nothin' wrong with a little dessert for the holidays.

I do like to hog hunt a little down at the country bar after 2 a.m., but ya don't need guns for them girls. Just put a couple of oatmeal creams in your pockets and they follow ya around like you're the fat girl Willard.

I don't know what my point is here. I just love the sound of the phrase "fat girl Willard"!

Like I said earlier, I never actually grew up in the South, but I've always loved everything about that part of the country. I love the people, the food, the weather, the way the girls talk to ya when they're moving their fingers seductively through your back hair at the strip club on Fridays (totally nude by the way after 10).

I actually acquired my accent back in '79 when I moved from Nebraska to Sanford, Florida. Since I grew up around livestock and Mildred Green, I automatically gravitated to the farm kids. They all sounded like they had just come from a Dukes of Hazzard casting call. I've always been a dialect chameleon, so I started speaking with a thick accent. From that...

Details zur Ausgabe

• Verlag: Crown Pub
• Erscheinungsdatum: 2005
• Sprache: Englisch
• ISBN 10: 0307237427
• ISBN 13: 9780307237422
• Einband: Gebundene Ausgabe
• Auflage: 1
• Anzahl der Seiten: 267
• Kontakt zum Hersteller: Nicht verfügbar
• Verantwortliche Person: Nicht verfügbar