Tell Me No Lies: How to Stop Lying to Your Partner-And Yourself-In the 4 Stages of Marriage - Softcover

Pearson, Peter T.

Softcover

ISBN 10: 0312280629 ISBN 13: 9780312280628

Verlag: Golden Press, 2001

Inhaltsangabe

Lying-For Better or Worse

Everybody lies. Friends lie to friends. Children lie to their parents. Politicians lie to constituents. And, inevitably, husbands and wives lie to each other. Lies between lovers have tremendous potential to both nurture and destroy a relationship. It is easy to underestimate the power that lies-even seemingly harmless lies-can wield in your marriage. Tell Me No Lies explores the complexity of honesty versus deception in marriage and reveals the many reasons behind the lies we tell our partners (and ourselves).

Learn the four marital stages:
* The Honeymoon
* Emerging Differences
* Freedom
* Together as Two

Discover how to recognize how lying can lead to serious trouble at each stage. The signs include:
* The Dark Side of the Honeymoon, when couples refuse to acknowledge any problems
* The Stalemate, when couples fight and brutalize each other with exaggerated truths
* Freedom Unhinged, when independence outweighs togetherness and marital anarchy ensues.

Offering a new way of thinking about truth and deception, this book will help you understand the dynamics of your marriage in the context of the marital stages. If you can identify your marital stage, you can overcome the barriers to honesty and move on to a happier and more fulfilling marriage!

Über diesen Titel

Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson are internationally recognized experts on couples therapy and cofounders and directors of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California. They maintain an active lecture and workshop schedule for couples and professionals, and they have appeared on a variety of radio talk shows. Bader served as President of the International Transactional Analysis Association; Pearson is a Consulting Associate Professor at Stanford University. They are also the authors of In Quest of the Mythical Mate, which received the Clark Vincent Award for its outstanding contribution to the field of marital therapy from The California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. They live in Menlo Park and have three daughters.

Judith D. Schwartz is a widely published writer with a specialty in psychology. The author of The Mother Puzzle, she lives in Bennington, Vermont with her husband, Tony Eprile, and their son, Brendan.

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Tell Me No Lies

How to Stop Lying to Your Partner-And Yourself-In the 4 Stages of MarriageBy Ellyn Bader

Sunlight Press

Copyright © 2001 Ellyn Bader
All right reserved.
ISBN: 9780312280628

Chapter One

Truth ...
and Consequences

Everybody lies. Friends lie to friends. Children lie to their parents.Politicians lie to constituents. And, certainly, husbands and wives lie toeach other.

    That any given marriage has its deceptions doesn't mean that anything's"wrong." Certain lies allow loving partners to be sensitive, reassuring,even giving to each other. They can help couples reserve theirenergy for the more important conversations. Marital lies may be playfulwhen harping on the truth would spoil the fun. A comment like,"You're the best lover on the whole planet" may not pass double-blindtesting, but it does convey emotional truth.

    Lies between lovers, however, can be highly electric: they havetremendous potential to both nurture and destroy a relationship. Unfortunately,lies usually undermine a relationship because, when uncheckedby compassion and honest introspection, they tend to feed oneach other. Most couples underestimate the power that lies?evenseemingly harmless lies?wield in their marriage.

    As codirectors of The Couples Institute, we have devoted more thanfifteen years to studying marital communication. We've been privy tothe intimate dramas of couples in various phases of discord and distress.We've seen marriages virtually implode after a major betrayal. We'vealso seen couples hold onto what's true for them despite fierce disagreementand, in the process, manage to strengthen their trust.

    We do believe that most people want to be honest with those theylove. But the nature of marriage, with its infinite number of interdependenciesand huge emotional stakes, guarantees that spouses will lieto each other and fool themselves. Being honest with another person,particularly one you're dealing with all the time, can be dicey. Theimpetus for most marital lies does not stem from a wish to deceive theother, but rather from the wish to keep the relationship as it is. That'sthe incredible irony: Couples lie to preserve their relationships, but it's thosevery lies that create dissent and leave the partners feeling stagnant, isolated,and alone.

    Why do we lie in marriage? We want to look good?so we lie. Wewant to avoid hurting or disappointing a partner?so we lie. We fear thatthe truth will unleash conflict that will endanger the relationship?sowe lie. We feel foolish about something that we said or did?so we lie.We have trouble putting the whole truth into words?so we manipulateit. We're reluctant to admit the darker sides of ourselves, our greed,envy, and selfishness?so we try to hide them. We lie because lies comewith being human, and we are probably never so exposed in ourhumanness as we are with our mates.

    This book is a wake-up call. At our clinic, The Couples Institute inMenlo Park, California, our focus is helping couples create extraordinaryrelationships. Through our workshops, individual cases, and theclinical work of therapists we supervise, we have seen literally thousandsof couples. Through our experience, we have gained a uniqueperspective on the trials upon which marriages succeed or fail. We havefound that at the heart of most couples' problems is some form ofdeception or withheld truth. We've seen deception sabotage marriageswhen one or both partners

tell furtive lies and allow chronic dishonesty to turn good feeling into bad,

lie themselves into corners because they lack the nerve to tell a partner what they feel,

sense a mate would be uncomfortable with the truth so they soothe him or her with a lie,

fool themselves so that they're blinded to realities that are visible to everyone else.

    But we've also seen those very same lies?once reckoned with?pushrelationships towards growth. We know there are powerful reasonsto address the truth. We also know that there are powerful emotionalreasons to avoid it. No one wants to give up the deceptions that theybelieve keep their marriage together.

Lie Patterns

    Over the years, we've found that long-term relationships follow apredictable pattern of growth, involving four marital "stages."

    1. The Honeymoon

    2. Emerging Differences

    3. Freedom

    4. Together as Two

    Certain types of lies arise at different points in a marriage inresponse to the specific challenges of each stage. Deception will stuntdevelopment in each stage, creating an emotional gridlock that leavesboth partners stuck. We call these stalled points "Detours and DeadEnds." From the Honeymoon, you can veer into The Dark Side of theHoneymoon. When deceit obscures your Emerging Differences, youcan end up in the Seething Stalemate. The failure to negotiate independencecan thrust you into Freedom Unhinged. The only way to geton track is to confront the truth.

    Intimate relationships are difficult, despite what cultural mythswould have us believe, and every couple will encounter some tough situations.The grit to withstand those challenges?and to keep your marriagegrowing and alive?requires that you find the courage to voice thetruth. And the resolve to listen to it.

Honesty: A Solid Foundation

    Truthfulness bases a marriage in reality and trust. The failure to dealwith truth?the all-too-common tendency to fall into expedient truthbending or lulled complacency?may be the first fumbling stepstowards disaster. Don't follow in the footsteps of John and Sarah, whosestory we recount in the book. You'll see that so-called white lies can losetheir pearly innocence with blinding speed.

    No one wants to think of himself as a liar, and we generally don't seeour lies as lies. What happens in marriage, then, is that we lie and call itsomething else: protecting a partner, looking on the bright side ofthings, waiting until the right time to speak, keeping the peace.Through the day-to-day, give-and-take of a long-term relationship, weseek cover in many forms of deception. In this book, we make the casethat becoming conscious of those lies?and understanding when, how,and why you lie?will help you make your marriage stronger.

    Through our work, as well as our own marriage, we've learned thatthe way to inoculate your marriage against real stressors is to know thatyou can handle the tough stuff. And when you can speak truthfullyabout difficult things and find the truth in strong disagreements, youwill feel more confident that you can handle just about anything. Thisis the substance of extraordinary, enduring marriages: the passion, tenderness,and generosity that can only emerge when two people haveachieved a high level of mutual honesty. Honesty with compassion canspark the growth that keeps a marriage vibrant.

    Lying isn't something we can or necessarily should relinquish altogether,but in marriage it must serve a useful purpose. It must promotethe good feeling at the core of your relationship, not just the semblanceof it.

Beware of Dormant...

Details zur Ausgabe

• Verlag: Golden Press
• Erscheinungsdatum: 2001
• Sprache: Englisch
• ISBN 10: 0312280629
• ISBN 13: 9780312280628
• Einband: Taschenbuch
• Anzahl der Seiten: 258
• Kontakt zum Hersteller: Nicht verfügbar
• Verantwortliche Person: gpsr@libri.de; gpsr@libri.de; ; Europaallee 1; Bad Hersfeld; 36244; Deutschland