Cook to Bang: The Lay Cook's Guide to Getting Laid - Softcover

Walker, Spencer

Softcover

ISBN 10: 0312600186 ISBN 13: 9780312600181

Verlag: St. Martin's Griffin, 2010

Inhaltsangabe

Tired of dates that leave you with nothing but a $150 dinner tab, a doggy bag, and blue balls? Enter Cook to Bang, a guide to wining, dining, and sixty-nining for cooks who don't know their asparagus from their elbows. It offers a history of Cook to Bang seduction throughout the ages, tips for setting the bait, the best menu for each "sexual profile," methods for creating a sexy-time vibe, and a game plan for how to make your move. Born from the popular Web site, Cook to Bang is an everyman's guide to cooking your way into your date's bed.

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Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

SPENCER WALKER has been a sous-chef and a private chef, and he has worked for the renowned Los Angeles catering outfit The Kitchen for Exploring Foods. Renee Russo once declared his lamb chops "orgasmic." He has been a creative executive for Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network and has written television episodes for Warner Bros., Nickelodeon, and Disney.

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Cook to Bang

The Lay Cook' Guide to Getting Laid

By Spencer Walker

St. Martin's Press

Copyright © 2010 Spencer Walker
All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-0-312-60018-1

Contents

1 Why Cook to Bang?, 
2 Cooking to Bang Through History, 
3 Cook to Bang War Room, 
4 Culinary Seduction Blueprints, 
5 Aphrodisiacs Anonymous, 
6 Libation Lubrication, 
7 Sexual Profiling, 
8 Setting the Bait, 
9 Pregame to Bang, 
10 Vibe to Bang, 
11 From Cook to Bang, 
12 Advanced CTB: Culinarylingus, 
13 S.O.S.: Save Our Seduction, 
14 Cook to Bang Testes-moan-ials, 
Afterword, 
Acknowledgments, 

CHAPTER 1

Why Cook to Bang?

You may ask yourself, "Why Cook to Bang?"

I ask, "Why do anything else?"

The answer is basic survival. Humans must eat and procreate in order to perpetuate. If we do not, we will become the New Coke of evolution: a mistake doomed to extinction. Human history has proven that we are not just some cruel experiment performed by your respective deity. The reason? We effectively Cook and Bang.

Food and sex have been linked since the dawn of civilization. Cavemen once roasted saber-toothed tiger kebabs for their cave babes. This set the mood for Cro-Magnon copulation. Neanderthals knew the importance of cooking for their lovers. This has been lost on the modern dating population. Most of these First World suckers are willing to blow half their paycheck on a fancy dinner only to end up with a doggy bag and blue balls. Why?

Cooking to Bang doesn't require harvesting a kidney to pay for the dinner bill. You can avoid the awkward invitation inside after a date. And going the extra mile yields decadent dividends. Culinary skills are as essential to the art of seduction as a brush and easel are for painting. Be the Picasso in the pantry, Van Gogh up the grill, and shake your Monet maker. Cook to Bang offers simple, effective methods for enjoying the two greatest pleasures: food and sex.

Anyone can cook an amazing meal and bring out their date's inner slut. The only way for the human race to continue is to eat and bang. So do your part. Learn how to wine, dine, and sixty-nine your dream date with minimal harm to your credit card or self-esteem. Cook to Bang is based on three simple principles:

1. CHEAPER THAN A RESTAURANT

2. THEY'RE ALREADY IN YOUR HOME

3. YOU'RE DESSERT

CHEAPER THAN A RESTAURANT

This should be obvious to anyone who has taken a date to Chez Douchebag and part of their soul died when the check arrived. You put your financial stability on the line for a piece of strange. Perhaps you got laid six ways from Sunday. You may be walking bowlegged or threw your back out attempting some feat reserved for Cirque du Soleil. But I wager that you more likely ended up with a kiss on the cheek and, if you are lucky, the privilege to bankroll future platonic adventures. So just as an experiment, take a few steps back and imagine how the condition of your bank account and libido would fair cooking at home. Worst-case scenario: you would yield the same result for less cash. Do it right and you can skip the three-dates-before-banging rule. Regardless, it is the right move considering the current economy is more flaccid than a eunuch stuffing dollar bills in Rosie O'Donnell's G-string.

THEY'RE ALREADY IN YOUR HOME

The only thing more awkward than a first kiss is a prostate exam. (A doctor fingering a man's exit-only may feel odd, but at least there is a health benefit.) Your mental health will suffer should you be rejected or worse, not try at all. A word to the wise: it is better to regret something you have done than regret something you haven't. First kisses are nearly impossible to execute in the wrong setting: a restaurant, your date's parents' house, a purity ball. But your home is your private domain, your dungeon of decadence. The best part is there is no awkward invitation inside when you host a date in your pad. Asking them in after a regular date is a loaded question that puts your ego on the chopping block again. Why risk it? You can make your move in the privacy of your own comfort zone without Peeping Toms whacking it or prudish cops writing you a ticket for public indecency. You can be as indecent as your perverted mind can muster behind closed doors.

YOU'RE DESSERT

I imagine this should speak for itself. But for those who fail to grasp the concept of innuendo, pay attention. I'm using dessert to hint at sexual intercourse. That is when a man and woman, or two men, or two women (I'll get the popcorn), or any combination thereof lay together and share a grown-up hug. This usually comes at the end of the meal. After your date and you have finished your impressive meal, you move on to something sweet ... your hot body covered in something sweeter. More on this later in chapter 12, Advanced CTB: Culinarylingus.

Simple, right? Just be your charming self, cook like a champ, and you will be banging. Your task is to find that special someone you plan to seduce. This book isn't a guide how to pick up that girl or boy of your dreams. There are plenty of books on the art of pickup. If you were clever enough to buy this book, you are clever enough to set up a simple dinner date. Perhaps it's an art chick you met at a gallery opening, a club slut at a techno dance party, or a redneck at a NASCAR rally. There is a key to unlock, or more accurately, unzip any door. Some of these doors bust wide open with nothing more than a compliment. Others take some finessing and caressing. Get their phone number and plan like a general in the final battle of a war. It is vital to understand your chosen conquest and how you can exploit them for your own perverted gains. I believe in you.

Curious how Cook to Bang came to exist? Cook to Bang's genesis came out of anthropological observations of the modern dating population. The clear pattern observed was poor execution of a tried-and-true plan: wine and dine. Simple enough, right? Apparently not. There is a clear disconnect for chumps who assume legs will open wider than a porn star's if they spend X amount of dollars on a meal. I have fielded countless phone calls from sexually frustrated friends heading home before 10 P.M. from dates they thought were slam-dunk sex-capades. They'll say, "I thought she was up for it. You'd think I'd at least get a hummer. That sushi dinner cost a hundred bucks!" Newsflash, suckers: there is no ratio for amount of money spent to sexual activity unless you hire a hooker. Chances are it would be cheaper and at least you would get your rocks off. The only problem is you risk incarceration, disease, and possibly ending up on next week's episode of To Catch a Predator.

So what's the solution? Cook to Bang, my friends. This is something I learned in college. I was a horny young man in my sexual prime without a cast-iron pot to piss in. What I needed was a hook to make me stand out from the frat-tastic douche-bags with their steroid enhanced muscles sporting Celtic knot tattoos and wearing backward baseball caps. I was a scrawny hippie with a weed habit that made Cheech and Chong look like lightweights. I also had a knack for thinking outside the box, which had landed me in detention in high school, but I knew was one of my true assets. I needed a cure stat for the blue balls I sported my entire first semester in college. Yes, you read that right. I did not bang or even kiss a girl my entire first semester of...

Details zur Ausgabe

• Verlag: St. Martin's Griffin
• Erscheinungsdatum: 2010
• Sprache: Englisch
• ISBN 10: 0312600186
• ISBN 13: 9780312600181
• Einband: Taschenbuch
• Anzahl der Seiten: 240
• Kontakt zum Hersteller: Nicht verfügbar
• Verantwortliche Person: KreGa Onlinehandel GmbH; 4950000000000; info@krega-onlinehandel.de; ; Birkenweg 31; Brakel; 33034; Deutschland