It's Okay to Sleep with Him on the First Date: And Every Other Rule of Dating, Debunked - Softcover

Wilser, Jeff; Syrtash, Andrea

Softcover

ISBN 10: 0373892780 ISBN 13: 9780373892785

Verlag: Harlequin Nonfiction, 2013

Inhaltsangabe

Every time you go on a date, you're faced with 347 "rules" on how to act, what to say, when to call him, when to kiss him, and how to play "the game."

These rules do more than just insult your intelligence: they spread anxiety, breed insecurity, make us all more cynical and, worse, when you follow the rules you might overlook your match.

In this empowering he said/she said guide, relationship experts Andrea Syrtash and Jeff Wilser help us take off the rules-colored glasses. The truth is men don't care if you sleep with them on the first date. (If they like you, they'll want to see you again.) How to find success in love? Don't trust the rules; trust yourself.

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Über die Autorinnen und Autoren

Andrea Syrtash is the author of He’s Just Not Your Type (And That’s a Good Thing) and Cheat on Your Husband (with Your Husband). She has been featured on the Today show, On-Air with Ryan Seacrest, and Oprah.com. Visit her at AndreaSyrtash.com. Jeff Wilser is a nationally syndicated advice writer and the author of The Maxims of Manhood and The Man Cave Book. His writing has appeared in print or online in Glamour, GQ and Esquire. Visit him at JeffWilser.com.

Andrea Syrtash is the author of He’s Just Not Your Type (And That’s a Good Thing) and Cheat on Your Husband (with Your Husband). She has been featured on the Today show, On-Air with Ryan Seacrest, and Oprah.com. Visit her at AndreaSyrtash.com. Jeff Wilser is a nationally syndicated advice writer and the author of The Maxims of Manhood and The Man Cave Book. His writing has appeared in print or online in Glamour, GQ and Esquire. Visit him at JeffWilser.com.

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The rules start before you go on a single date. They affect your psychology and overall approach to romance. Some of them are explicit: "Always let the man pursue." And some of them are well-accepted bits of conventional wisdom:

· You're intimidating to men because you're too successful

· Always let the man pursue

· You find love when you're not looking

· Don't be too picky

· Men love bitches / Nice guys finish last

· Expect love at first sight

YOU'RE INTIMIDATING TO MEN BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO SUCCESSFUL

ANDREA

On Sex and the City Miranda had an epiphany: Mentioning her job to eligible men in a bar was a buzz kill. They would never be interested in her, because she was a lawyer. After this depressing realization, Miranda decided to approach dating differently and took on the persona of a perky stewardess at a speed-dating event. She attracted a great guy instantly and noted, "Men are threatened by good jobs. They don't want a lawyer." She unlocked the secret: men don't want to be with a successful woman.

I can't tell you how many smart and fabulous single women in Manhattan have uttered the same reason (or excuse, depending on your perspective) for why they're not dating. They've wondered if men are "intimidated" by them. A former client of mine once said, "As long as I'm in this job, I won't attract someone. Guys don't want to be with women they think are too smart."

Kind of condescending to men, no? Besides, the opposite is true. Every decade since 1939, the University of Iowa has conducted a study in which participants are asked to rank the most important qualities they want in a future mate. In the most recent study, in 2008, male participants ranked intelligence as one of the top five attractive qualities out of eighteen that a woman can have. (In case you're wondering, housework was ranked near the bottom at #14.) Not since the 1950s have studies supported the idea that American men don't place a high value on their mate having some smarts.

In a 2012 New York Times piece, writer Stephanie Coontz remarked, "Postwar dating manuals advised women to 'play dumb' to catch a man—and 40 percent of college women in one survey said they actually did so. As one guidebook put it: 'Warning…. Be careful not to seem smarter than your man.' If you hide your intelligence, another promised, 'You'll soon become the little woman to be pooh-poohed, patronized and wed.'"

My client was quoting a dating manual that was printed half a century ago, and didn't even know it.

The truth? It's actually sexy when a guy sees you as successful and smart because:

· Your passion is sexy. The fact that you're successful shows that you're driven, motivated, and tapped into something. Passion in life translates into passion…ahem…in other areas.

· It's a lot of pressure for a man to think you're going to rely on him for everything monetarily, emotionally, and otherwise. Even though a number of men like to provide, a man wants to know he's with a healthy and confident woman who isn't relying on him to "complete" her.

· Some men are threatened by a woman who appears to have her life together more than they do. But do you really want to date those men?

But while your success may not actually intimidate a potential date, successful women may scare good men away because:

· In some cases, very successful people show little to no vulnerability. Most dudes don't want to marry a robot.

· Nobody likes a know-itall. A successful woman who puts down everything a guy says or does and corrects him (and the people around her) endlessly won't be attractive. To anybody.

· Some women who have been competing with men in the job market for years have had to develop a thick skin, and sometimes they forget to leave that aggressive attitude at the office. That's not to say a woman should be as demure and delicate as a flower, but she shouldn't lose her femininity just because she has to play tough at work.

Perhaps Miranda attracted her suitor not because she was a flight attendant, but because she was more attentive and playful during the speed-dating session. Smart men find smart, successful women sexy—as long as they're also accessible and fun.

This rule reminds me of that scene in Anchorman, the one where Ron Burgundy hears about a female news anchor.

"What?!?! A woman? As an anchor?!?!" Will Ferrell roars, and then knocks over the table in fury.

That scene is funny because it's ridiculous. And this rule is funny because it's ridiculous.

Like many of the rules in this book, it might have had legs in the 70s. In the modern era—and by "the modern era," I mean post-Jimmy Carter administration—the concept of a "successful career woman" isn't some oddball novelty that perplexes men. We go to college with smart and successful women, we work with smart and successful women, and we respect smart and successful women. It's not that complicated.

Yes, there's still the occasional throwback man who wants a nice, docile, pretty doormat who will never challenge him. A real catch, right? Men (just like women) are into attractiveness, and we find success attractive.

And if the woman makes more money than the guy? Usually it's not an issue. I've dated women who have made plenty more than me (as a freelance writer, this isn't that rare). That said, things can get tricky when the woman makes a lot more money. Even in this case, it's not that we're "intimidated," per se, but it creates some tactical, real-world hurdles that we might or might not overcome.

Let's look at a case study.

Brooke is a lawyer. A damn good one—she just made partner. She meets a dude on OkCupid who paints circles for a living. The Circle Painter refuses to paint straight lines—his motto is, "Straight lines are artifice; circles are truth"—so there's limited demand for his work. Brooke suggests they get sushi; the Circle Painter suggests a happy hour with eight-dollar buckets of PBR. Brooke's a good sport, so she does the Pabst, and they have a good time. Date two: the Circle Painter can no longer afford the beer buckets (rough week for circles), so he suggests they take a walk in the park, where he treats her to a hot dog.

Maybe this lasts for a while. But barring a few unlikely scenarios, this relationship is doomed.

Unlikely Scenario 1:

Brooke is totally, 100 percent cool with changing her lifestyle and living like a college student again.

Unlikely Scenario 2:

Brooke is happy to pick up the bill every time they go to nice places, and more improbably, the Circle Painter is happy to let her. (Tangent: Is it silly and irrational that men feel the need to usually pay? Probably. But right or wrong, that silly and irrational mindset exists. It's also silly and irrational that we still use the electoral college, refuse to adopt the metric system, and call the previews—which come before the movie, not after—"trailers.")

Unlikely Scenario 3:

Brooke and the Circle Painter live out a romantic comedy where true love!!! conquers this fiscal barrier....

Details zur Ausgabe

• Verlag: Harlequin Nonfiction
• Erscheinungsdatum: 2013
• Sprache: Englisch
• ISBN 10: 0373892780
• ISBN 13: 9780373892785
• Einband: Taschenbuch
• Anzahl der Seiten: 288
• Kontakt zum Hersteller: Nicht verfügbar
• Verantwortliche Person: Product Safety Manager; enquiries@harpercollins.ie; ; HarperCollins, Macken House, 39/40 Mayor Street Upper; Dublin 1; D01 C9W8; Irland