Addicted to Stress: A Woman's 7 Step Program to Reclaim Joy and Spontaneity in Life - Softcover

Mandel, Debbie

Softcover

ISBN 10: 0470485906 ISBN 13: 9780470485903

Verlag: Jossey-Bass, 2010

Inhaltsangabe

A woman's down-to-earth guide for releasing stress and reclaiming her free-spirit

Stress management expert and radio personality Debbie Mandel presents her highly original program for stress reduction. She explains that women who are constantly stressed out have forgotten the dreams of the free-spirited girl living inside them before they became somebody's wife, mother, or workplace colleague. This book, the inspiring and humorous story of successful recovery from stress addiction, outlines her seven steps that have proven to help women overcome daily stressors and reclaim a life of joy and spontaneity.

• Explores the habit forming pressure principle of stress addiction and how to cure it
• Provides step-by-step program for self-empowerment, self-care, healthy narcissism, and renewing humor in a woman's relationships
• Explains the powerful, researched based relationship between food, exercise, and mood
• Contains indispensable strategies for accepting constructive conflicts with a spouse, partner, friend or colleague to get what she wants
• Teaches specific techniques for reducing and eliminating stress reduction

Addicted to Stress shows how as the addiction to stress is cured, women find it possible to build up an immunity to outside pressure and become their true core self.

Über diesen Titel

Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Debbie Mandel is the radio talk show host of a popular weekly health and fitness radio show on WGBB 1240 AM in Long Island, New York, which is broadcast live and on the Internet. She is the publisher of the highly regarded wellness Web site www.addictedtostress.com and conducts stress-management and relationship workshops for couples, women's groups, and others.

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Praise for Addicted to Stress

"This book offers remedies for all of us 'stress junkies,' to help us enrich our lives for now and the future." ?Dr. John Ratey, M.D. associate clinical professor of psychiatry, Harvard University

"This book needs to be read by every woman. It's never too late to be born again." ?Bernie Siegel, M.D. author, Love, Magic & Mudpies and 365 Prescriptions for Living

"An easy-to-follow, entertaining program for reducing the toxic impact of stress for today's women, and reclaiming their health and wholeness as they seek to live more happily in these hectic times." ?Jeffrey Brantley, M.D. director, Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Program, Duke University Integrative Medicine

"Everyone can benefit from the practical wisdom in this book, which will relieve stress addiction with no worry of withdrawal. We are 'hooked' on the encouraging ideas and guidance in Ms. Mandel's inspiring book." ?Dr. Steven Gurgevich and Joy Gurgevich authors, The Self-Hypnosis Diet

"If you long for more love, happiness, peace of mind, and authenticity; if you want your life to be an expression of the yearnings of your heart; and if you want to feel that you are truly enjoying your time on earth?rather than just struggling to get by?then you must read this superb book! It will remind you about what is truly important. And it will help you transform your life into what you truly want it to be!" ?John E. Welshons author, When Prayers Aren't Answered and Awakening from Grief

Aus dem Klappentext

Praise for Addicted to Stress

This book offers remedies for all of us 'stress junkies, ' to help us enrich our lives for now and the future. --Dr. John Ratey, M.D. associate clinical professor of psychiatry, Harvard University

This book needs to be read by every woman. It's never too late to be born again. --Bernie Siegel, M.D. author, Love, Magic & Mudpies and 365 Prescriptions for Living

An easy-to-follow, entertaining program for reducing the toxic impact of stress for today's women, and reclaiming their health and wholeness as they seek to live more happily in these hectic times. --Jeffrey Brantley, M.D. director, Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Program, Duke University Integrative Medicine

Everyone can benefit from the practical wisdom in this book, which will relieve stress addiction with no worry of withdrawal. We are 'hooked' on the encouraging ideas and guidance in Ms. Mandel's inspiring book. --Dr. Steven Gurgevich and Joy Gurgevich authors, The Self-Hypnosis Diet

If you long for more love, happiness, peace of mind, and authenticity; if you want your life to be an expression of the yearnings of your heart; and if you want to feel that you are truly enjoying your time on earth--rather than just struggling to get by--then you must read this superb book! It will remind you about what is truly important. And it will help you transform your life into what you truly want it to be! --John E. Welshons author, When Prayers Aren't Answered and Awakening from Grief

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Addicted to Stress

A Woman's 7 Step Program to Reclaim Joy and Spontaneity in LifeBy Debbie Mandel

John Wiley & Sons

Copyright © 2010 John Wiley & Sons, Ltd
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-470-48590-3

Chapter One

Be Aware of Your Own Stress Addiction

The first step in our process of change is to understand ourselves, to accept the fact that yes, we have a problem. But never fear, there's definitely something we can do about it.

My research with thousands of women has taught me that the biggest universal problem women have today is our attitude toward stress, the daily dynamic tension of our lives. In fact, I've learned that living with stress for women these days has become more than a habit: it's an addiction.

That's right. Addiction. Just as with drugs or alcohol. Stress has become so ubiquitous (a fancy word for common, widespread, pervasive) that we're used to it, we expect it, we're actually uncomfortable if we don't have it.

Sisters (and some brothers), listen up. We've reached the point where we've got a "jones" for stress. It has taken over our lives like the extra thirty pounds or unwanted guest at the dining room table who refuses to leave.

Addicted to stress.

How did this happen, and what can we do about it?

Taking a Hard Look at Ourselves

Women today carry massive responsibilities of family, household, and career. It often feels to us as if we're being blown about in so many different directions that we're battered into exhaustion.

Ironically, we call this progress. We need to ask ourselves two questions:

Are we satisfied?

Are we happier?

Well, certainly men are happier. Two studies from Princeton University and the University of Pennsylvania indicate that a happiness shift has occurred over the years. In the 1970s, women used to be slightly happier than men; now men have exchanged places with women. The reason for this change is that men have cut back on unpleasant activities and now relax more, spending quality time with the family. Research shows that meanwhile, women have been taking on more complex tasks than they did four decades ago. They have replaced housework with paid work, but that doesn't mean that the work at home has disappeared. Women's to-do lists have grown; the number of waking hours to get everything done has not.

When tasks don't get crossed off the list, women experience stress resulting in sleepless nights and days filled with feelings of negativity and inadequacy. The studies emphasize that because women now have opportunities for accomplishment on many new levels, they tend to believe that if they don't "do it all"-the home, the marriage, the job-they don't measure up!

The Impact of Too Much Stress

Bottom line: if you are unhappy with yourself, then all your relationships, including your most intimate, will be filled with unhappiness. And further research from Sigal Barsade of the University of Pennsylvania explains that bad moods are contagious. Your family will absorb and mimic your behavior, thereby perpetuating a negative loop.

Although the medical community has established that a little stress is actually good for you-waking up your creativity, fueling your vitality, and keeping your immune system vigilant-the qualifying and key word here is little. When you find yourself rushing from activity to activity, doing chore after chore, with no personal time for yourself, the problem isn't the external world that's landing on your doorstep; rather, it's your own need to constantly open that door and welcome stress into your life!

Why We Love Stress

Most likely you are addicted to stress because of the adrenaline rush-the "look what I can do" syndrome. You're so productive! You do it all, get it all-mother, wife, worker, with boundless energy 24/7.

However, having plenty of physical energy should not be confused with vital, focused energy. The critical question you must ask is, How do you distinguish a stress addict from a healthy high-energy person? And here's the answer: the physical energy of a stress addict is always moving forward, living in the future, accomplishing the next task on the addict's to-do list, or worrying about what will happen later, rather than experiencing reality in the present. In contrast, a high-energy person intensifies her present to experience it fully.

What It's Like to Be an Addict

You might think that the term addict is a harsh word for simply being busy. But it is the right word. You may say that the conventional perception of an addict is of someone so focused on her bad habits that she is a very selfish person, whereas so much of a woman's time is dedicated to being unselfish, to taking care of her family. But let's look at the fundamentals of addiction, and we'll see why addict is the right term.

Common to all unacknowledged addicts is the illusion that they have some sort of power and can control their behavior. However, when we take a closer look, we can readily see that this is a totally false perception; addicts are in fact without self-awareness and have little or no control over their compulsive activities. For example, a gambler thinks she can control her luck, an alcoholic her drinking, and a pot addict her smoking. However, an unaware addict cannot tap into her personal power. To numb the pain, the feelings of worthlessness both overt and subtle, a stress addict hides herself in the great escape of distraction.

The fix of busyness leading to apparent accomplishment gives the stress addict a kind of high that sends pleasure signals to the brain. But, as is true of all addictions, the high is transitory. The addict needs another high and then another, the ever-expanding to-do list, to sustain that false euphoria.

Admit it. Oh, how you love the surge of adrenaline energy as you rush to perform your activities and duties! You feel important. You feel powerful. After all, you are a very busy person. During your high, you are always venturing outward, escaping; therefore, you don't have to go inward, to return to your own doorstep-the components, problems, conflicts, and deficits of your real personality, or at least what you think it is.

So you can't be still or alone. Deep down, you fear your own quiet company the most.

Are Addicts Bad People?

No. Emphatically not. Addicts are not bad people. Addictive behavior is basically a survival mechanism to deal with what is perceived as an unhappy reality.

Addicts are good people. You could argue that highly successful people are just working hard in our normal workaholic workplace culture. I've learned, however, that in the case of stress addiction, all this busyness usually stems from the addict's constant need to prove herself. Are you suppressing feelings of unattractiveness, unworthiness, and inadequacy that are nevertheless seeping out through the seams of your body and soul?

A Self-Test for Addiction Awareness

How can you tell that you are a stress addict and not merely a busy person who is responsible and reliable? Answer the following questions:

1. Do you tune out during conversations? (For example: Do you scan the top of your friend's head while you barely listen to the conversation, thinking about other things?) ___ Yes ___ No

2. Do you feel rushed wherever you are because you feel that you ought to be completing the next task somewhere else? ___ Yes ___ No

3. Are you irritable with others? ___ Yes ___ No

4. Do you rate yourself according to the opinions of those with whom you interact? Do you seek a "Wow" as a response for what you do? ___ Yes ___ No

5. Are you unable to ask for help? ___ Yes ___ No

6. Do you perceive being on the receiving end as a sign of weakness? ___ Yes ___ No

7. When you exercise, do you do it for longer than sixty minutes, five days a week? ___ Yes ___ No

8. Are you always talking on your cell phone-even when taking a walk? ___ Yes ___ No

9. Do you constantly check your appearance in the mirror? ___ Yes ___ No

10. Do you feel uncomfortable, worried, nervous in your mind or body when you don't have something you must absolutely do right now? ___ Yes ___ No

If you answered yes to

3 questions: You are out of balance.

5 questions: You are losing your sense of self.

10 questions: You have hit the crash-and-burn zone.

The purpose of this questionnaire is to help you pause and notice.

Profile of a Female Stress Addict

As a woman, you experience stress with greater intensity than a man does, as you process words and body language more quickly using both sides of the brain (which predisposes you to multitasking) and have a deeper limbic system, the seat of emotions (which connects you more sensitively to all your relationships). Consequently, you are more prone to depression and often respond with emotional outbursts, which can be particularly awkward at the workplace.

When this emotional intensity is regularly activated by the various kinds of stress you experience, you become even more vulnerable to sadness and irritability. Stress becomes generalized as you experience a free-floating uneasiness and lose the capacity for calmer, more positive solutions. As a stress addict, you adhere to the same pattern of the "over-doer" at home, at work, and in all your relationships. Guess what? There is no such thing as a separation of work and home-though you'll see well-intentioned efforts in pop culture to label the work-life balance-because you are the same person on Sunday night as on Monday morning. The balance or imbalance rests with you. As a stress junkie, you bring a common perception to all the major categories of your life:

Without you, nothing works.

Stress challenges our equilibrium, unsettling us, and our response to it ranges from mild to intense. Sometimes stress is recognizably nerve racking; at other times it is more subtle and vague, even hidden. Can you recognize it in your own life? Let's take a closer look at how stress can manifest itself in the three compartments of your life.

At Home

You do not delegate chores or allow others to contribute-it's your way or no way. You hover over your children as a helicopter mom. You are much too cheerful with your spouse and children, who may actually be annoyed by your cheerfulness. You are impatient, easily angered. You feel anxious and pressured about the clubs for which you have volunteered, such as the PTA, the American Association of University Women, or the neighborhood book club. Sex is one more thing on the to-do list (maybe). You experience sugar lust or a craving for fatty comfort foods. You don't sleep well.

At Work

You bring work home with you and take your BlackBerry on vacation. You brag to the boss about how little sleep you got the previous night. You are not really a team player; you horde your work or are secretive with colleagues who might steal your thunder.

Colleagues annoy you. They talk and laugh too loudly while you are working. You focus on the one colleague who doesn't greet you or doesn't like you, even though most of your coworkers are sociable and friendly. You worry about your family (your aging mother, your children's SATs) during work. You eat lunch at your desk and need a donut and coffee during the afternoon slump. You feel unappreciated; you want to quit but won't; you have a love-hate relationship with your job.

In Relationships

You expect your spouse and friends to read your mind, to know what you mean even when it's evident that they can't figure out where you're coming from or what you want. You get caught up in repetitive, purposeless arguing. You have trouble receiving a gift: "Oh, you shouldn't have ..." You are hungry for compliments. You want to be thought of as attractive, but don't think you really are. You are competitive with your girlfriends. You are sensitive to criticism. You view all your relationships in terms of accomplishments.

The Value of Awareness

Changing your life profile for the better requires that you gain an honest awareness that something is amiss, sapping your positive energy. The first step involves observing your behavior. You need a little distance to see the whole picture, the way you observe a friend and then give that friend some good advice. Only this time, you will show some compassion for yourself, befriend yourself, and take your own advice!

The secret to any success is having the determination to succeed, then taking small, patient steps, evaluating and tweaking them along the way without any pressure. Step 1 of this program is all about becoming aware, in a nonjudgmental way, leading you to determine what is wrong, not who is wrong. You are simply noticing.

The motivation to improve will become part of your mindset when you start to truly see. When you complete this program, you will compare how you used to experience a glitch, a remark, or a schedule change and how you experience it now-with an easy smile. So, gently lift the curtain and take a peek at the full-blown symptoms of stress addiction. Could this possibly be you?

Symptoms of a Stress Addict

Here are more symptoms to watch out for. The ones listed earlier addressed behavior; these are on a more internal level:

The loose mind. The most telltale sign of a stress addict is a loose mind. You do all your chores and social activities with a kind of porous consciousness, unfocused on the here and now. You lose your mental boundaries, unable to exclude extraneous thoughts. You are the consummate multitasker. Even on your child's school trip for which you volunteered, or on a visit with your mother, or at a ball game with your husband, you are speaking on your cell phone most of the time, communicating with the workplace, home, friends, the plumber, the physical therapist. You are kidding yourself believing that you are really spending quality time with your loved ones. Although it might seem paradoxical, you would accomplish more through single-minded tasking-tightening your mind-but you do not believe this. Instead, your loose mind causes you to waste energy, feel tired, and grow irritable.

The dramatic vocabulary. Think about the words you use daily. "I'm crazy busy." Words define your reality and have a way of actualizing a prophecy. When your friend bemoans her hectic day, you brag about yours: "Oh, you think you're busy, listen to this ..." If life were calmer and filled with free time, you probably would not know what to do with yourself. You might not want to sit still and be with yourself because there are pockets of disappointment and unfulfilled dreams you don't want to contemplate. For if you did, you would have to do something, make a move, risk failure and rejection. It is easier to distract yourself by speeding things up and at the same time making yourself indispensable to others. Or so you think.

The great performer. Stress addiction is driven by the constant need to prove your self-worth, to show that you are a valuable person. You reap the reward for being the consummate go-to person. In fact, your voracious appetite for compliments motivates you to hunt for them constantly to feed your ego. Because you have built your reputation around the title of the "doer," what will be left to distinguish you from other successful women? Delegate work? No way-then you would not get to shine as superwoman. The problem is that you can no longer separate who you are from what you do. If you fail at a task, you feel like a failure as a person because your tasks define you. You are usually anxious, whether you are presenting in the board room or addressing the League of Women Voters. What will people say about your performance?

The guilty sinner. Stress addicts always feel guilty about having fun and relaxing. You might say, "I'm so happy, I can't stand it!" There is an internal conflict between what you want to do and what you think you ought to do. And if you are enjoying yourself, you feel as if you are tempting fate; you think of the blissful heroine in a typical soap opera, heaped with adversity the moment she proclaims she has never been happier. It's as though fear will protect you from a bad thing, and happiness predisposes you to disaster. In other words, being overwhelmed with work is your insurance policy against tragedy.

The sacrificial giver. Giving is your signature specialty and makes you feel good about yourself. When you receive a gift, though, you follow it up with, "Oh, you shouldn't have." Imagine how the bright, smiling face (of your daughter, husband, fellow worker) droops when you invalidate a gift.

Let's be honest. You are the consummate people pleaser. Please preface your name with "Saint." However, your eagerness to be the giver and to do for others depletes your energy reserve and positivism. Internally, you feel resentful and are running on very little gas. You are out of balance, about to tip over with all this giving! Also, you have actually made others second class, always coming to you for help.

The inattentive listener. Often you go through the motions of being present to others. But while you are speaking on the phone, you might be checking your e-mail, cleaning out a drawer, exercising on a treadmill, driving the car, and so on. You don't think listening attentively is a good enough reason to cease all other activities. This is a self-imposed adult version of attention deficit disorder. You don't have a genetic or biochemical problem with how your brain works; rather, you choose not to focus your attention. Don't think, however, that the other person doesn't know or sense that you are not totally present. There is a subtle pause in your voice; you respond to a previous question a little too late, or you do not follow the conversation completely and are a little confused because you have missed some of the sequential details. Sometimes you are engaged in a face-to-face conversation, and this is trickier than over the phone, where you can believe that the other person can't see that you are multitasking; face-to-face, your eyes betray you. Whereas a natural and attentive conversationalist focuses on the speaker's eyes and literally bathes his face with listening cues, the stress addict looks elsewhere, eyes scanning for more action. Your subtle message to the speaker is, "You are not worth my total attention. I am extremely busy, an important person who carries the world on her shoulders and can only squeeze you into my day while I think about the next task on my list."

The great controller. You have grown more irritable because you are disappointed that people and situations do not act according to your requirements. You feel that other people must behave in sync with your expectations and within your time frame. Speeding through life makes patience a nonstarter virtue. For example, you have a doctor's appointment scheduled for your son. The doctor keeps you waiting forty-five minutes. You look at your watch every couple of minutes. You go up to the sign-in sheet and check where the list is going and if anyone has been called ahead of you. When your child's name is finally called, you wait with him in an examining room for another fifteen minutes. By this time you are crazy and forget half the questions you wanted to ask the doctor (unless they're on your to-do list, which is now ten pages long). If only you could let go of your "must" requirement, you could utilize the time more efficiently, such as by nurturing your child.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Addicted to Stressby Debbie Mandel Copyright © 2010 by John Wiley & Sons, Ltd. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Details zur Ausgabe

• Verlag: Jossey-Bass
• Erscheinungsdatum: 2010
• ISBN 10: 0470485906
• ISBN 13: 9780470485903
• Einband: Tapa blanda
• Sprache: Englisch
• Auflage: 1
• Anzahl der Seiten: 256