Dating For Dummies, 3rd Edition - Softcover

Browne, Joy

Softcover

ISBN 10: 0470892056 ISBN 13: 9780470892053

Verlag: For Dummies, 2010

Inhaltsangabe

Trusted guidance on meeting Ms. or Mr. Right

With new and updated content, Dating For Dummies, 3rd Edition includes all the information you'll need for navigating the contemporary, social media driven dating scene where women and men Google potential dates beforehand, Tweet after, and even meet on Facebook. You'll find all you need to use these social media sites and take advantage of the ever-expanding ways to socialize, flirt, and date in the 21st century. With dating advice for singletons in all stages of life (including baby boomers), you'll get the confidence to date someone who is significantly older or younger, someone who has been previously married, or someone with children. Author Dr. Joy Browne, America's favorite psychologist, demystifies the whole dating process, from getting a date, plotting the place, and having a great time (or dealing with duds) to moving beyond a first date toward a budding relationship.

• Confidence boosters to help meet, date, and start a relationship with Mr. or Ms. Right
• Safe tips and advice on using social networks like Facebook and Twitter to meet new people
• The latest tips about dealing with money matters and dating diversity

If you're looking for a fun Saturday night date or a happily-ever-after mate, Dating For Dummies is the guide for you!

Über diesen Titel

Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Dr. Joy Browne, PhD, is not only a dating guru, but also a licensed clinical psychologist who is the award-winning host of her own nationally and internationally syndicated radio talk show.

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Learn to:

• Safely navigate social networking and online dating sites
• Avoid common dating missteps
• Get back into the dating scene after divorce
• Deal with differences in age

Trusted tips and guidance on meeting Mr. or Ms. Right

Are you looking for a fun Saturday night date or a happily-ever-after mate? Dating For Dummies demystifies the whole dating process, from getting a date, plotting the place, and having a great time (or dealing with duds) to moving beyond a first date toward a budding relationship. Plus, you'll find all you need to navigate social media sites to socialize, flirt, and date in the 21st century.

• Look in the mirror — understand the importance of getting to know (and love) yourself in order to become a better partner, and find out if you're ready to date
• Search for Mr. or Ms. Right — figure out what you want in a partner and discover the many places you can find him/her
• Get in the game — get the confidence to ask for a date, deal with the potentially sticky situation of exchanging phone numbers, and gracefully bow out of a date if you're not feeling the love
• It's date day — get pointers on everything from what to wear to the topics you should (and shouldn't) talk about on a first date
• On the rebound! — understand the importance of healing before jumping back into the dating scene, whether you're divorced, widowed, or just getting out of a relationship

Open the book and find:

• Realistic dating advice for people in all types of situations and life-stages
• Great date ideas (and activities to avoid)
• What works (and what doesn't) when asking for a date
• How to flirt, how to listen, and how to gauge how things are going
• What to look for in the place you pick for a date
• How to navigate through potentially awkward moments

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Dating For Dummies

By Joy Browne

John Wiley & Sons

Copyright © 2011 John Wiley & Sons, Ltd
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-470-89205-3

Chapter One

Thoroughly Modern Dating

In This Chapter

* Navigating today's dating scene

* Knowing how social media fits into dating

* Understanding how dating's the same and different for various circumstances

* Recording your dating life

Dating is about two people who are interested in one another and want to get together at a specific time and place. We're not talking rocket science here. Since the original fix-up — you know, the one between Adam and Eve (who had the advantage of the ultimate Matchmaker) — dating has evolved. With the familiar United States version less than 100 years old, the guy is often (but not always) the one who asks and pays, and couples still face the tension of possible sex at the end of the evening.

After some recent reflection about the dating scene, I concluded that the last ten or so years have indeed significantly altered the dating landscape, and anything that alters that landscape is certainly going to alter dating behavior. Technology is a tool, but it is a tool that has profound effects on how and what we communicate, how fast and with whom. The original changes had to do with the ubiquity of online dating: its ease, breadth, and nearly universal acceptance in a very short time. That same technology has now given us social networking, tweeting, texting, and the possibility of seeing and being seen instantaneously and universally, ready or not.

In this chapter, I detail those changes precisely. In addition to key points to remember about modern dating, including dating in the age of social networking, I offer special advice and guidance for folks who are in special dating situations. The chapter concludes with tips for using a dating notebook to keep track of what's going on in your love life. I promise no pop quizzes, but you'll be amazed at how much you can learn about yourself and the process.

REMEMBER

Dating is the Wimbledon of social intercourse. So you'll be happiest and most successful if you practice, correct mistakes as you go along, and don't expect to make the finals the first time out. Dating should be fun and interesting. If it feels grueling, unpleasant, or exhausting, take a breath and a break and kick back for a while. You're fine by yourself!

Scoping Out the Changing Dating World

Believe it or not, the changes that society, sexuality, entertainment, and technology have engendered in the dating scene can be distilled into a single concept: the need for speed! The entire process has been sped up so that courting behavior no longer functionally exists. Without some real caution the privacy that allows relationships to unfold can be compromised, and Facebook and other social network sites have allowed dating to become an audience participation sport.

Speed bumps

Admittedly, human beings, when it comes to love, have always been impatient — even though Diana Ross, or at least her momma, said, "You can't hurry love, you just have to wait!" People are under more pressures now to race dating at the speed of light when instead they should be taking very small baby steps, exercising due diligence, and noticing in minute detail what's going on. Talking with a girlfriend about a groovy guy has been replaced by Googling, checking out Facebook, texting friends, chatting at online forums, blogging, tweeting, and texting. I know that the temptation is to close your eyes and just go for it: Tell the world and let the relationship chips fall where they may. Falling makes it seem much more fun, scary, exciting, and fast, but it's not very productive if you're looking for more than just cheap thrills. The exposure factor has never been higher, so the stakes, which have always been high when it comes to matters of the heart (let alone other important organs) are off the charts.

Admittedly, I bear some vague responsibility for this trend: I sort of invented speed dating, accidentally, when I first had a TV show in 2000. Speed dating, as it has evolved, usually gives participants six or seven minutes with each potential date, but I gave them three minutes to convince somebody to go out with them, though I was there to offer encouragement or redirect the Burger King philosophy of life: quick, hot, juicy, and "your way" work in some places, just not in dating! The need for speed is triggered by two equal and opposite tendencies: Ironically, couples are marrying earlier (obvious sexual urgency) and later (increasing fertility concerns), with women feeling that if they wait any longer they won't have the option of raising children of their own.

Changing definitions of marriage: When and why

Dating has changed. Marriage is changing. Gender roles are changing. There are now more single people living by themselves than ever before in the history of the world. This tendency, coupled with the reality that life expectancy has nearly doubled in the last century, means that individuals are concluding that they can hold off on marriage or not marry at all. These options mean that dating doesn't necessarily point in the direction of settling down as it once did. Additionally, settling down could mean spending many decades with one person if they marry early, prompting them to proceed cautiously.

Statistically, more people are marrying and remarrying than ever before. Concerns about fertility are balanced by women deciding that they can have children without the benefit of a partner, another factor that has radically altered the dating landscape. Some people who are raising children are dating but have never married and don't intend to do so.

If all this makes your head spin, you are not alone.

Fantasies and realities

In addition to the census, demographic data, and the changing realities, television shows in the 21st century have significantly changed the dating landscape since popular notions perpetuated by the media, while originally fantasy, have a strange habit of morphing into our shared reality. Dating shows have always been a part of the TV landscape, but the bar has been raised, or lowered, depending on how you look at it. In addition to the traditional plethora of inane reality-style TV dating shows, Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?, Who Wants to Marry My Dad?, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, My Big, Fat, Ugly Fiancé, and Millionaire Matchmaker have not only made dating a blood sport but convinced the viewing public that hot tubs and serial necking in front of a TV camera are normal aspects of dating. Rules about no kissing on the first date and no sex until the third date seem laughably out of fashion if you watch television. Dating as a competitive sport — complete with body contact and backbiting — has cheapened, degraded, and sexualized dating as well as increased hostility in ways we're not even completely aware of.

Okay, so most of us probably look at television dating shows and say, "That's ridiculous!" We know that a lot of editing and prompting goes on. But we are all influenced, subtly and not so subtly, by these shows in how we date, how we view the opposite sex, our own behavior, and what's acceptable and what's not acceptable. Reality TV has made competition, mean spiritedness, and just plain nastiness part of the social landscape between men and women, making the war between the sexes appear as a bombed-out landscape with few survivors and multiple casualties. And the exposure: I'm not necessarily talking hot tub here. No emotion is too raw, no vulnerability too dangerous, no image too intimate. Chapter 10 may make you believe in civilization, manners, and survival as possible goals in dating for yourself and others.

Adding to the general confusion is the fact that so many television shows suggest that being gay is not only acceptable but hip and nearly ubiquitous, which has certainly increased the potential for at least considering yourself bisexual, or even more terrifying, having your partner consider him or herself bisexual. Thus dating has become a question of will or won't your date come out of the closet after you get to know each other. Interestingly enough, the statistics on the percentage of the population reported and reporting as gay are unchanged since Alfred Kinsey's studies 60 years ago. Thirty years ago, TV would have you believe no one was gay; today TV would allow you to assume everybody is gay.

Terrorism, war, and recession

The terror attacks of September 11, 2001, have also changed the social landscape forever. In the weeks and months following the destruction of the World Trade Center, the realization that life could be so dramatically fleeting and unpredictable meant folks rethought relationships suddenly: broke up, or committed to one another foregoing — perhaps forever — the sense that we all have all the time in the world. As time goes by, as is always the case, the trauma fades for most, only to be replaced by a devastating recession, double-digit unemployment, a floundering stock market. The point being that as humans are affected by their environment, dating is impacted. In addition, no particular event has consequences that are universal or forever. The human condition is one of change.

Dating in this context has taken on a level of intensity and urgency, with people often looking for instant meaning in an inappropriate way — make my life meaningful, make me happy, make it all worthwhile, pay my bills — a heavy burden indeed for a process that was invented to be light, delicate, and lengthy. Modern dating has always worked best as a carefree, pleasant experience, at least initially, but that evaporated after September 11. Questioning whether coupledom or bringing children into this world was a good idea was offset by the questioning of the willingness to be alone if the world was about to end. The simple question of "Am I willing to spend the rest of my life with you?" has been altered by the fear factor in general and by the threat of terrorism on a daily basis. Intellectually, people may have understood that anybody could perish at anytime, but September 11 drove home that point in a dramatic and tragic way. The years since have provided ample examples of vulnerability — financial, social, and political.

Gadgets, gadgets everywhere!

Modern technology has had an impact on all aspects of our lives, including dating.

Instant coffee, fast food, and instant gratification have been a part of the social landscape for years, but instant messaging, constant access through cell phones, caller ID, the Internet, texting, YouTubing, tweeting, and Facebooking (see the section "Dating in the Age of Facebook" for more) have made it all too easy to act impulsively and regret at leisure. Moving at the speed of light is sexy for sound waves but scary for human relationships, especially when it comes to dating. Exposure works well for photographs, but relationships often flourish with a bit more privacy, especially in the early stages.

Online dating

Even when Internet dating was in its infancy, I understood the advantages and disadvantages of the computer as cupid. Computers dramatically increase the pool of potential dates, as well as offering options, which is never a bad thing. They give people an opportunity to "meet" people from different social circles, creating the delightful sense that somebody wonderful is just around the corner (as long as one is able to resist endless corner peering). But it's important to online date for a minimum amount of time before going in-life. My basic rule of thumb is that you should have no more than a couple of e-mail chats and phone calls over a couple of weeks before you meet somebody face to face.

The last time I checked, literally millions of people are online dating. On a more personal level, I know 12 couples who met online (not all of whom have admitted to having allowed a computer to match-make).

Here's the good news and bad news about online dating (for more info on online dating, see Chapters 5 and 23):

  The good news about online dating is that it does increase the number of possibilities and can be morale boosting to see how many people are around and available, plus it gives you an opportunity to shop.

  The bad news is that it can be impersonal, time consuming, and addictive, with a large dollop of fantasy, and there's a tendency to shop.

Also, people tend not to be 100 percent honest about who they are, what they're looking for, their weight, age, marital history, their past, their sex, or whether they're straight or gay, because dating online is fantasy. Married people have been known to pretend that they were single; gays, straight; older people, young; young people, older. But if nothing else, it'll give you the sense that there are available single people out there.

Instant messaging

Instant messaging enables you to get in touch with somebody immediately and talk in real time to that person in a completely artificial while seemingly urgent way. Instant messaging discourages self-censoring, voice clues, or reality-based feedback loop. If you're angry with one another (or even if you're not), you may end up typing something that you might not have said if you had a little longer to think it through. Although you do get an instant response, it's not the same as a conversation, so things like tone, sense of humor, body language, and irony really do get lost in typing. No matter how you cut it, communicating through the Internet really is simply typing. If IMing is seductive, how much more is being able to tweet or send a picture from your cell (please tell me you're fully clothed) or posting your latest image online?

Chat rooms

Chat rooms are another part of the fantasy world of the Internet. They've been known to be very disruptive to relationships even when they're not suggestive or pornographic, and when they are, Nelly bar the door! And for those of you who view Internet porn as harmless or private, beware! Because Internet porn is so instantly available (it doesn't even come in a wrapper anymore), it's right there in front of your keyboard. Women tend to be grievously offended by it, and men tend to think, "What's the big deal?" If Internet porn is part of your life and you're dating, you need to think through what you're really doing here, what your intent is, and what happens if you get caught. Remember that very few things are private anymore.

Social networking sites

I talk in depth about these sites in the upcoming section "Dating in the Age of Facebook." Just a few words here: For singles, social networking sites are often a way of checking status ("Are you admitting that we're dating or not?"). But for folks in relationships, whether married or not, these sites are a way to get in touch without any stigma or even having to admit they're looking around. The intent seems harmless; after all, parents are often "Friends" on their kids' Facebook pages, so the whole thing is pretty innocent, right? Sometimes yes, sometimes not so much.

BEWARE

Since you're reading this book, I assume that you're single (even though much of the information is also useful for keeping a marriage strong and healthy if you view yourself as dating your spouse). If you aren't single, social networking sites present a specific challenge. Innocently deciding that you're going to get in touch with an old love and see how that person's doing and catch up can turn into something a great deal more disruptive without some caution and discussion with your spouse. I have always encouraged couples to attend reunions together because the temptation of history and nostalgia can be treacherous to navigate. Social networking sites, including Classmates.com, have become reunions without the need for travel.

Cell phones

To say cell phones have become ubiquitous doesn't begin to explain how common they are. My daughter visited Thailand and was astonished to discover that in a country where the average annual income is $700, everybody had a cell phone! There are actually more cell phones in the world than toilets. No snide comments, please. Smart phones now mean that there is no need for a camera, laptop, phonebook, gaming system, television, newspaper, magazine, ticker tape (does anybody even know what that means anymore?), or concierge. If we could only teach 'em to give backrubs. But I digress.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Dating For Dummiesby Joy Browne Copyright © 2011 by John Wiley & Sons, Ltd. Excerpted by permission of John Wiley & Sons. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Details zur Ausgabe

• Verlag: For Dummies
• Erscheinungsdatum: 2010
• ISBN 10: 0470892056
• ISBN 13: 9780470892053
• Einband: Tapa blanda
• Sprache: Englisch
• Auflage: 3
• Anzahl der Seiten: 432