Dating for Dads: The Single Father's Guide to Dating Well Without Parenting Poorly - Softcover

Fisher, Ellie Slott; Halpern, Paul D.

Softcover

ISBN 10: 0553384864 ISBN 13: 9780553384864

Verlag: Bantam, 2008

Inhaltsangabe

Here is the first book written specifically for men who date while answering to a higher authority: their children.

As a single father, you’re ready to begin dating again. But are your kids ready? In this much-needed guide, relationship expert Ellie Slott Fisher comes to the rescue with no-nonsense, no-judgments advice on everything from how to ask a woman out to navigating the potential minefield of overnight dates.

Single dads are as nervous as single moms about merging their parental responsibilities with their social lives, but they often don’t have intimate friendships in which to share their concerns. Drawing on her own experience as a single parent, interviews and surveys she conducted with more than a hundred single fathers and their children, and the advice of family therapist Dr. Paul Halpern, Fisher gives the lowdown on a range of tricky topics, including:

•When do I introduce my kids to the woman I’m dating?
•What if they don’t like her?
•Is it acceptable to date someone closer to my child’s age than my own?
•Are sleepovers okay when my kids—or her kids—are home?
•How do I give my children the reassurance they need while pursuing a social life of my own?

Plus, how to avoid one of the biggest dating pitfalls: mistaking lust for love. From dealing with your ex-spouse to protecting your children’s inheritance, and many issues in-between, Fisher gives single fathers the tools they need to be both sexy suitors and devoted dads.

Über diesen Titel

Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Ellie Slott Fisher is the author of the critically acclaimed Mom, There’s a Man in the Kitchen and He’s Wearing Your Robe. A veteran journalist, Fisher has written for numerous magazines as well as the anthology Single Woman of a Certain Age. A dating mom herself, she lives in Yardley, Pennsylvania, and has two children.

Dr. Pauk Halpern is a psychologist who counsels children, adolescents, and their families. He has maintained a practice in Villanova, Pennsylvania. for thirty years.

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Chapter One


Breaking News:

Dad Is Dating!

In all likelihood, fifteen or so years ago when you dreamily said "I do," you didn't imagine being single again one day. Yet here you are, unmarried . . . with children. First you need to refamiliarize yourself with the concept of dating, and then you need to prepare your kids.

How does that well-known adage "See no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil" apply to the children of a dating dad?

They see everything.

They hear everything.

They speak when the mood strikes them.

Your job as a single father is to raise them, nurture them, support them, and defend them while also reading their minds.

Children often act ambivalent, fooling even the most perceptive father into thinking they just don't care. But one of the consequences of your decision to date again is that their hopes of Mom and Dad reconciling are dashed, which is a tough concept for them to confront head-on. So instead, they conceal their feelings, feigning disinterest if you even hint about going on a date. They are not prepared to witness Dad with another woman, let alone his embarrassing love-struck antics as he falls under the spell of what's-her-name.

The other reason they may hide their true feelings is that they think you'd rather not know what's on their minds. Clinical psychologist Dr. Paul Halpern says children often believe they have no choice but to resign themselves to their father's new social life. "They know that Dad thinks 'toughing it out' is the mature response. You don't whine. You don't complain. Just get over it." Because of this, it can be difficult for your kids to discuss their feelings with you directly. And if you don't broach the subject, neither will they.

Yet while they may be mum about your dating prospects, your family and friends probably have a lot to say. When a death or divorce occurs, those who are closest to you usually are of the opinion (even if they are tiptoeing around the suggestion) that you need a mate. After all, you're a man-you can't possibly raise the kids alone, they think. Though you might have some new tricks to learn-such as telling your kids to sign you up for paper goods rather than cupcakes for the class party-you're sharp enough, loving enough and, ahem, man enough to do just fine. You should date because you want to, but take it slowly so that your children have time to process this new development in your life.

Keep in mind, too, that while you are not a mind reader, neither are your kids. You will be considering the possibility of dating again long before they know anything about it, and the news will probably come as a shock to them. If possible, ease them into the idea by talking about it before you actually begin. Let them hear from you, "At some point I'd like to start dating. I'm not sure when that will be, but I don't want you to be surprised." Dr. Halpern warns dads that after a divorce or death of a parent, children need at least six months to a year to process the loss and the change in their family. If one parent is gone they need to solidify their relationship with the remaining parent. After they've had some time to adjust and heal, they will be more open to the possibility that Dad might meet someone new.

Regardless of whether your children's mother remains in their lives, your role as a parent has changed drastically. You've taken on additional responsibilities that may feel foreign if you've always assumed comforting a crying child was Mom's work while disciplining an unruly son was better left to Dad. As a single father, you will do both. You will bring an openness and honesty to your relationship with your children that perhaps didn't exist before. You will do something with your kids you might normally avoid: you will talk about your feelings, and you will listen to theirs.

And that will encourage your kids to do the same.

Parenting Solo: The Widowed Dad

It's difficult for any man to suddenly find himself alone, running a household, and raising the children. Your day-to-day existence is, of course, further complicated by the grief you and your children both suffer. Be patient with yourself and your kids as you go through the stages of loss, including denial, guilt, and anger. It's a long, arduous process. Many of the widowers I interviewed had been accustomed to traditional roles at home-they worked while their wives, even when they held jobs, ran the home and acted as primary caregiver for the kids. When their wives died, they not only lost their mates but also suddenly assumed sole responsibility for everything.

So while you are grieving over the loss of your wife, you're also facing an increased workload. This puts an unfamiliar stress on your whole family. "I found myself very angry for a long time because I didn't like the role I had to play," says Dwight, a fifty-year-old school principal with three daughters.

"Before, when my wife was alive, I would help out with the wash but didn't have to do it every day. I wasn't much of a cook. I became a cook. I wasn't into meal planning, but I had to do that. You come home from work and you're tired. I was angry at my deceased wife for leaving me with so much to do. I had to be mad at someone."

Unlike Dwight, who had gradually taken over the household duties during his wife's illness, Conrad had been so entrenched in his time-consuming job as a physician that his wife's unexpected death completely derailed him. Raising his three kids by himself was perplexing, to say the least. Like a lot of fathers who abruptly find themselves in that role, Conrad admitted he wasn't always sure how to handle all aspects of parenting. When his oldest daughter asked permission to pierce the top of her ear, he was nonplussed. "I said, 'I'll ask your mother.' Then I looked up, asked, and replied, 'Your mother says no.' I answer to a higher authority."

Like all men whose marriages end, either because of divorce or death, fifty-four-year-old Conrad feels that he's been unfairly robbed of a future. Everything he and his wife planned together vanished with her premature death. I feel that way, too, sometimes, but self-pity only compounds my loss, punishing me over and over again. I've come to realize that losing a spouse doesn't rob me of a future as much as it creates different experiences and opportunities. In your case, your future may include a new wife, an extended family, or a different home. It's the unpredictability and the hope that lie in the unknown that help you emerge from grief.

Jason dreaded his role as a single father. When his wife, Cynthia, died, he suffered a physical pain so crippling, he says it felt "like someone reached in my chest and ripped out my heart." Deeply in love, they had an equal marriage, sharing all the household chores and financial matters. But when it came to parenting their three sons, Jason had always deferred to Cynthia. "I was afraid of being a parent because my own father had been so mean," he says. "I'd ground the kids for a month. No television for two weeks. My wife would say, 'Do you know what you're doing to them? You're not even home all day.' "

Emboldened by the task of keeping further disruptions from his children's lives, after the death of their mother Jason tried doing it all: preparing dinner every night, keeping up with the housework, driving the boys to all of their activities, and working full time. The consequences of his Herculean efforts? Two herniated disks, severe stomach discomfort, and a lot of misery and stress. Jason was so focused on his children and work, he never even considered the prospect of a social life for himself.

At first, parenting alone can feel overwhelming and practically impossible. Even...

Details zur Ausgabe

• Verlag: Bantam
• Erscheinungsdatum: 2008
• Sprache: Englisch
• ISBN 10: 0553384864
• ISBN 13: 9780553384864
• Einband: Taschenbuch
• Anzahl der Seiten: 256
• Kontakt zum Hersteller: Nicht verfügbar
• Verantwortliche Person: Nicht verfügbar