Hello, Cruel World!: Science-Based Strategies for Raising Terrific Kids in Terrifying Times - Hardcover

Moyer, Melinda Wenner

Hardcover

ISBN 10: 0593719360 ISBN 13: 9780593719367

Verlag: G.P. Putnam's Sons, 2025

Inhaltsangabe

From the author of How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes comes a science-based, hopeful guide on how to raise children who will not just survive, but thrive in this challenging, terrifying world—and who could ultimately help save it.

In the blink of an eye, our kids will be adults facing countless serious threats—climate change, gun violence, political polarization, and disinformation, to name but a few. We’re not going to be able to solve all these intractable problems before our kids grow up—so how are we to prepare them for an impossibly complex and scary future?

Plagued by this question, award-winning science journalist Melinda Wenner Moyer interviewed parenting experts and researchers across multiple fields—psychology, education, information literacy, technology, business, and even addiction. What she discovered: even in these uncertain times, we can still teach our kids how to take care of themselves, fight for what they believe in, and bridge divides in ways most adults aren’t equipped to do.

In Hello, Cruel World!, Moyer provides practical, comprehensive, science-backed tools to help our children handle the world they will inherit. Her strategies help children develop three core attributes—coping mechanisms, connection techniques, and cultivation practices—so that kids can learn to set boundaries, take responsibility for their actions, build healthy relationships in turbulent times, and much more. By being activists in our parenting, we can set our kids up to not just survive, but also build a better world for themselves and future generations.

Über diesen Titel

Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Melinda Wenner Moyer is an award-winning contributing editor at Scientific American, a regular contributor to The New York Times, and a former faculty member at NYU's Arthur L. Carter Journalism Institute. Her first book is How to Raise Kids Who Aren't Assholes. She also writes the popular Substack newsletter Now What.

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1

"I Hate Myself!"

Fostering Self-Compassion

Recently, a good friend told me a story involving her nine-year-old daughter, Charlie. One evening, my friend heard Charlie chiding herself over and over again: "I'm the worst human. I hate myself. I'm terrible!"

My friend-who also happens to be a fantastic child psychologist-listened, empathized, mirrored Charlie's words, and snuggled with her. In other words, she tried to do everything "right." In response, Charlie started crying even harder. "And now you're being so nice to me!" she wailed. "That makes it even worse!"

It can be both heartbreaking and infuriating to hear children berate themselves. Sometimes, the things they say are patently ridiculous. My daughter will sometimes do something totally innocuous and age-appropriate, like spill orange juice on her shirt, and then start sobbing and declaring that she's the absolute worst person in the world. With these kinds of oversize reactions, I worry how she'll treat herself when she faces bigger challenges or makes more meaningful mistakes.

As it turns out, self-compassion might be one of the most important, if not the most important, skills we can instill in our children. Because the fact is, life is not going to be easy for most of our kids. What will determine how challenges and hiccups affect them is, in large part, their self-compassion-or lack thereof. It's "one of the biggest gifts you can give your child," said Kristin Neff, a psychologist at the University of Texas at Austin and the author of the book Self-Compassion.

If you're skeptical, I get it-there are lots of common misconceptions about self-compassion that might be lurking in your head, some of which I'll address shortly. But suffice it to say that if you were thinking about skipping this chapter, please reconsider.

Why Self-Compassion Matters

First, let me define self-compassion, because it's often misunderstood. According to Neff, self-compassion is, quite simply, compassion directed inward. It involves being aware of and touched by our own suffering, regardless of whether that suffering is caused by our own mistakes or things outside our control. It involves being supportive to ourselves in our toughest moments and not judging ourselves too harshly.

As you probably already know if you've ever done something dumb, it can be really hard to practice self-compassion in the moment. It's a lot easier to think Oh my god, I'm such an idiot! than to treat yourself with kindness. Ask me about the time I dented my brand-new car thirty-six hours after driving it off the lot. I definitely did not offer myself a hug or tell myself that everybody makes mistakes. I'm pretty sure I called myself a total asshole.

Here's what self-compassion is not: It is not self-pity. It is not self-indulgence. It is not absolving yourself of blame or refusing to take responsibility. It doesn't cause people to become lazy and self-indulgent and do nothing but sit on the couch and eat chocolate. If anything, self-compassion achieves the opposite: It helps us accept that we are imperfect, yes, but also makes us more willing to work to grow and do better. (For the record, though, sitting on the couch and eating chocolate is perfectly fine, and I think we should all do it more often.)

Self-compassion is linked with many broad benefits.

Self-compassion is an incredibly helpful skill, though some of its benefits might, at first, seem surprising. Most of the research on the topic has been conducted among adults, but over the past fifteen years, researchers have started digging into how self-compassion affects kids and teens. And pretty much every study that's been done suggests that self-compassion is powerful.

Studies have found that self-compassionate adolescents are, for instance, more resilient-they can bounce back more quickly and easily in the face of challenges and they are not as harshly affected by stress as other kids are. Self-compassionate kids are also less likely to have symptoms of anxiety and depression than other kids and have greater psychological well-being overall.

If we teach kids self-compassion and they can bring these skills with them into adulthood, they reap even more benefits. Adults high in self-compassion better handle bad experiences and are generally less anxious, depressed, stressed, and suicidal than other adults are. They are less perfectionistic and have more intrinsic motivation. Self-compassionate adults tend to exercise more, are more likely to seek medical care when they need it, have safer sex and healthier romantic relationships, and have overall better physical health. Sounds pretty good, right?

Some research has linked self-compassion to compassion for others, too, suggesting that when we treat ourselves well, we can treat other people well, too. It makes sense: "If your own emotional needs are being met, then you're more willing, or you're more able, to give to others and be there for others," said mindfulness and self-compassion teacher Karen Bluth, a fellow with the Frank Porter Graham Child Development Institute at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.

Some researchers even go so far as to argue that we as parents can make the planet a better place by helping our kids learn self-compassion. "To the degree we can help more children be kind and loving to themselves, I think it could totally change the world," said Wendy O'Leary, a certified mindfulness meditation teacher and parent educator based in Massachusetts. "It's what gives me hope in the midst of the chaos that we see around us."

If self-compassion is that powerful,
why is it so damned hard to master?

I've long been befuddled as to why self-compassion is so hard when it's clearly so helpful-and why self-criticism, the opposite of self-compassion, is often our go-to choice instead. Why do we so frequently talk shit about ourselves-and why do our kids do it, too?

Researchers theorize that self-criticism has become part of the human condition because it's been evolutionarily advantageous. Much as dogs instinctively know to lie down and show their bellies to more dominant dogs, we humans evolved a tendency to recognize, and sometimes loudly vocalize, our weaknesses so that those around us will like and accept us. "We're trying to prevent the group members from either kicking us out, which evolutionarily would mean death, or harming us in some way," Neff explained to me. Over evolutionary time, these tendencies likely served our ancestors well, helping them survive and pass the predilection for self-criticism on to their children, their grandchildren, and eventually to us and our kids. And now, here we are-raising kids who collapse into self-reproaching tears when we ask them if they've brushed their hair.

There may be other reasons why we lack self-compassion, too. Sometimes we say bad things about ourselves in front of our friends-I look so bad in this outfit!-so that they can contradict us and make us feel better. Also, if we regularly talk to ourselves in unkind ways, it may feel less hurtful-or at least, less surprising-when other people treat us poorly, too. In this way, self-criticism can be a twisted form of self-care, Neff explained. We do it because we're trying to keep ourselves safe. So it makes sense that kids, who feel especially vulnerable, might lean into this tendency even more.

If we're wired for self-criticism, is there any point in trying to swim against the tide? Thankfully, the research suggests that it is, indeed, possible to teach people-including our kids-how to be more self-compassionate. But first, let me explain what self-compassion requires.

The Key Components of Self-Compassion

Over the years, Neff and her colleagues have identified three key components of self-compassion.

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Details zur Ausgabe

• Verlag: G.P. Putnam's Sons
• Erscheinungsdatum: 2025
• Sprache: Englisch
• ISBN 10: 0593719360
• ISBN 13: 9780593719367
• Einband: Gebundene Ausgabe
• Anzahl der Seiten: 320
• Kontakt zum Hersteller: G.P. Putnam's Sons; https://www.penguin.com/putnam/; ; 1745 BROADWAY Attn: Madison Forsander; NEW YORK; NY; 10019; USA
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