NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • Join Carl and his ex-girlfriend’s cat, Princess Donut, as they fight fantastical creatures and deadly mobs to make it to the next level and build the kind of fan following the dungeon masters can’t ignore in the second book in the smash-hit Dungeon Crawler Carl series—now with bonus material exclusive to this print edition.
“Greetings, Crawlers! The training levels have concluded. Now the games may truly begin.”
The aliens have come, and they’ve transformed Earth into a multilevel, video game–like dungeon. It’s the newest season of the galaxy’s most watched game show, Dungeon Crawler World. Now on the third floor, Carl and Donut have to fight harder than ever. They’ve already proven that a Coast Guard vet and once-and-forever feline royalty are an almost unstoppable team. Their ratings are off the charts. Viewers can’t get enough. But the dungeon gets more dangerous each day, and now there’s a whole new problem to deal with: Quests.
They call it the Over City. A sprawling, once-thriving metropolis devastated by a mysterious calamity. But these streets are far from abandoned. An undead circus trawls the ruins. Murdered women rain from the sky. An ancient spell is finally ready to reveal its dark purpose. Can Carl and Donut solve the mystery in time?
And can Carl finally find some pants?
Includes part two of the exclusive bonus story “Backstage at the Pineapple Cabaret.”
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Matt Dinniman is a writer, artist, and musician (well, he's a bass player) from Gig Harbor, WA. He is the author of several books, including the bestselling Dungeon Crawler Carl series.
1
Welcome, Crawler, to the third floor.
The previous level will collapse in 3 hours and
35 minutes.
We teleported straight from the greenroom to a long golden hallway reminiscent of the first hallway we had entered.
"Carl, look! We're outside!" Donut said, looking up into the air. Next to her, Mongo gave an uncertain squawk.
Sure enough, a dark sky rose above us, dotted with stars. A colorful nebula, reminiscent of the background image on Odette's stage, covered the sky.
The air still felt stale. I pulled my slingshot, aimed it at the stars, and I fired.
Plink. Sure enough, the rock bounced off the ceiling, about 25 feet up.
"It's an illusion," I said. "It's like that mall in Las Vegas. They make it look like you're outside, but you're really not."
"Well, that's disappointing," Donut said.
The walls and the ground were made of golden-colored bricks. A plush red carpet led to a familiar door at the end of the hallway. As we approached, the door opened on its own. A tall figure stepped out, and all three of us stopped.
A well-built, young, and disgustingly handsome man wearing a tuxedo waited for us. His skin was a dusky gray, and he had a short pair of devil horns jutting from his forehead. The man stood about my height, and he had long gray-and-black hair that was held back in a ponytail. A barbed tail poked from the rear of his tuxedo. A pair of black bat-like wings sat folded tightly against his back.
"Hello, Mordecai," I said, examining his new form. "Jesus, dude. Looking good."
"Wow," Donut said, looking him up and down. "I wouldn't kick you out of bed for eating crackers."
Even Mongo's customary screech sounded as if he was in awe.
Mordecai-Incubus. Level 50.
Guildmaster of this guildhall.
This is a Non-Combatant NPC.
Also known as the Gigachad of the Over City, Incubi are the male counterparts of the infamous Succubus. The smooth, seductive, and ultimately deadly Incubus can be identified by his stunning good looks, exquisite charm, and sensuous feet. They can only be found on the urban levels of the dungeon. They give new meaning to the phrase "hit it and quit it."
"Princess Donut, Carl, little Mongo, welcome to the third floor. The training levels have concluded. Now the games may truly begin," Mordecai said, bowing slightly. Even his voice had gotten deeper. He indicated for us to enter.
We walked inside, and the door closed behind us.
"Training levels?" I said. "For fuck's sake. You call those training levels?"
"Oh, thank goodness," Mordecai said once the door closed. He ripped the jacket off and pulled off the tie, unbuttoning the top three buttons. The jacket was odd, with a pair of long slits along the back to accommodate his wings. "I thought you two were never going to show up. I've been in this thing for three hours, waiting for you. I hate formal wear."
"The interview ran long," I said. "I take it the general public can't watch this part?"
"Nope," he said. "They'll watch you go in, and they'll watch you come out, but they don't get to see what's going on inside. It's like a jury room."
His room was exactly the same as it had always been, but he'd cleaned up even further. A pair of beds had magically appeared since the last time we'd been in here.
"Those are for the transformation, if required," he said. "Remember what happened with Donut when she took that enhanced pet biscuit?"
I swallowed, remembering the weird, gooey blob thing she'd transformed into before.
"So," Mordecai said, "have you decided who wants to go first? I suggest Princess-"
"Me," Donut said, jumping up on one of the beds. "Let's get this rolling."
"Okay, Carl, take a seat," Mordecai said. I sat in one of the chairs. Mongo jumped into my lap and squeaked, sounding concerned.
"Mommy will be okay," Donut said. "You hang out with Uncle Carl for a few minutes while I get some work done. Behave yourself."
The baby velociraptor settled into my lap. I suddenly felt uncomfortable having that many teeth so close to my crotch. If he bit me now, I didn't know what would happen. I suspected he wouldn't teleport away. Instead, he'd get frozen like Frank and Maggie had that one time. Hopefully, I wouldn't find out.
"Okay," Mordecai said. He waved his hand and a screen appeared floating in the air, like we were on Odette's show. "Your current race is 'cat.' This is a list of all the available races you may choose. It looks like you've been given 320 different choices. It is in alphabetical order, and you may click on any of them to drill down to a very specific set of details. Also, the system AI has narrowed it down to a set of three recommendations. We will spend the next hour or so going over these choices, and then I will-"
"I choose cat. Next."
Mordecai took a deep breath. "Donut, there are a few choices on here where you'll actually look mostly-"
"Cat. Final answer. Let's move on."
Mordecai looked at me. I shrugged. She'd made it clear from the start that she wasn't going to change. I was just happy she'd dropped the idea of me turning into a cat also.
"Okay, then," he said. "A message will pop up, and you have to confirm your choice by clicking on it."
"Wait," I said, a horrific thought coming to me. "It's not going to, you know, change her back to the way she was before, is it?"
"Too late," Donut said. She glowed for a moment. "I clicked it." She looked at her paw. "I feel the same."
"No," Mordecai said. He looked pointedly at Donut. "But it is important to ask questions like that. I made it so she actually chose to not make a choice. Nothing will change, but she will now have access to a few racial benefits she didn't have before."
"Benefits? What are they?" Donut asked.
"I don't know, Princess Donut," Mordecai said, sounding exasperated. "We never got to examine the cat choice in the menu. You'll be able to see when we're done. And you wouldn't have changed yet anyway. The change doesn't happen until the end of the process."
"Okay, Donut," I said. "We need to think carefully about this next choice. Let's see what the AI suggests. Okay?"
"Let's do this," she said. "Show me anything with the word 'princess' or 'queen' in the title."
"Okay, moving on," Mordecai said. A list of items appeared on the screen, though the list appeared to be much shorter than the last one.
Mordecai paused, his eyes flashing as he quickly looked over the selections. "Okay, Princess Donut. It looks as if you've been given 34 class choices. That's a pretty short list. In fact, it's the shortest I've ever seen, but I think that's a combination of your racial choice and a result of your stats. Your base constitution is still two." He paused. "No, actually it's four now, thanks to your racial choice of cat." He again searched through his unseen menus. "Oh, I see now. It's actually a combination of four things. You both also have that Desperado pass, which precludes several of the classes right off the bat. And Donut has that tiara on her head, which narrows it even further. But that's all right. There are still a few great choices on there."
"So what's good?" Donut asked, looking at the list. "Ohh, that one sounds cool. It sounds menacing yet mysterious and fun. I pick that one."
"Wait," I said, jumping to my feet. I caught the now-asleep Mongo in the crook of my arm and rushed to the screen. "Do not pick anything yet until we've looked it over carefully."
Donut pointed at something entitled NecroBard.
Mordecai grunted. "That's actually not a bad choice. It's one of the three recommendations."
I looked over the list. The only base classes available to her were Bard, Magic User, and Barbarian. Each of the base classes had a few...
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