Doing the Right Thing: Cultivating Your Moral Intelligence - Softcover

Hass, Dr. Aaron Aaron

Softcover

ISBN 10: 0743465156 ISBN 13: 9780743465151

Verlag: Gallery Books, 2002

Inhaltsangabe

Life is filled with moral dilemmas. And in this ever changing world, doing the right thing can be an increasingly complex endeavor. Now psychologist Aaron Hass leads you on a voyage of discovery that enables you to better deal with the dilemmas of everyday life.
At one time or another we have all thought, "I know what I should do, but I can't do it." By strengthening your moral self, you can. Dr. Hass' simple yet profound message is that inside, you know what's right. Freeing yourself from the fears, insecurities, and excuses that lie at the heart of your indiscretions will start you on your path to inner peace, dignity, and a renewed excitement for living. You will discover new ways of looking at:

• Guilt -- when it can be good
  
• Emotions -- how they can get in the way of doing what's right
  
• Fairness -- life may not be fair, but you can be
  
• Giving -- why keeping a scorecard makes you a moral loser

Dr. Hass brings these concepts and others into focus -- and ties them together with compassion and love. Warmly human, full of wisdom and depth of spirit, this is a book about approaching your relationships with greater empathy and kindness, and teaching your children to do likewise. With Doing The Right Thing, you will release your inherent goodness and heroic potential -- in times of crisis as well as in the smaller moments that make up the moral sum of your days.

Über diesen Titel

Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Aaron Hass, PhD, is professor of psychology at California State University, Dominguez Hills, and assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine. Dr. Hass has worked with families in his clinical practice for over twenty years. He lives with his wife and three children in Los Angeles.

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Chapter One: The Keys to Morality

I am in the parking lot of a shopping mall near my home and observe a car backing up and slightly scraping the automobile parked next to it. A thirtyish-looking man in a dark blue suit emerges from the offending vehicle, takes a business card out of his pocket, scribbles a note on the back, and puts it under the windshield of the damaged Toyota.

The act of honesty warms me, but I am also aware of being a little startled. It is the unexpectedness of it that startles. It is the same feeling I get when I witness an act of generosity ("You asked if I could give ten dollars to your charity? How about twenty?"), observe an act of considerateness ("You look pregnant and tired. Would you like my seat?"), spot an act of kindness between strangers ("You seem pale and about to faint. Can I help you?"), or experience an act of anticipation by another ("Sure, I can give you a ride to the airport. But how are you going to get back?") Simple acts, all of them. But extraordinary in their infrequency.

What motivated these people to act from their higher self, their self that encourages kindness and sensitivity to others?

To act morally, we must feel the thread that binds us to one another. The process must begin early. Psychologists universally emphasize the critical importance of an infant's experiencing a sustained, nurturing, secure attachment to an adult as a necessary precursor to becoming a caring human being.

We can be taught and inspired by the example of those around us. Rewards for moral behavior and punishment for transgressions have only fleeting impact, however. When the incentive is withdrawn, or the fear of retribution is removed, what's to keep us on the right path? Why be good when no one is watching?

Above all, what is required for me to be moral is my ability to truly empathize. I must understand your feelings, thoughts, and needs. I must be able to feel your pain. I must see the world through your eyes. I must feel secure enough in myself to extend my concern to you. I must appreciate you as worthy of my attention, simply and profoundly because you are a human being.

We call them gooks or slopeheads so we can kill them. With a clear conscience. I have to first dehumanize him so I can kill him without compunction. If he has intrinsic worth, how can I pull the trigger? Before I annihilate him, I must be certain he is not at all like me.

Using very different language, Anna Freud suggested that altruistic behavior, on the other hand, springs from the reverse process; that is, I unconsciously view you as similar to me and provide aid and comfort in order to vicariously gratify my own needs. Indeed, on a conscious level, how can I compassionately understand you if I am not a little like you?

Cheap Empathy

If I am preoccupied with myself, if I feel a fundamental sense of deprivation, I can only offer "cheap empathy." A variation of the following encounter is familiar to all of us: You run into a neighbor or acquaintance at the grocery store. Judy asks, "So, how are things going?" Despite knowing that this was simply a polite question and one designed to elicit a reflexive and dishonest "Fine," you feel overwhelmed enough to be honest. "Frank just lost his job. My mother was diagnosed with cancer of the liver last week. It's a rough time." As you unveil your woes, Judy grimaces in concern and nods her head in a sympathetic manner. But for Judy, it's time to continue with her shopping. "I'm sorry to hear it. Let me know if there's anything I can do." Judy and her shopping cart disappear around the next aisle. You are left feeling just as alone in your travails as you were before the contact.

Indeed, Judy may have felt a flicker of distress. But she moves away from it as quickly as possible. She hurriedly departs because she is intent on calming herself.

When I truly empathize with you, I allow your experience to penetrate my psyche. Ishare some of your pain. I don't run from it.

While many women may feign empathy, most men are simply frightened of it. A classic and common example of men's unwillingness to empathize occurs when a wife attempts to speak with her husband about her fears or anxieties. Amanda says: "I'm feeling old. I know I'm only forty-five, but I'm feeling old. Bonnie and Andy don't need me anymore; they're teenagers, they're in their own world. Maybe I did it wrong. Fifteen years ago, I knew I wanted to be home for the kids while they were growing up. I feel too old to start a career. Maybe I made a mistake. What's my life now?" Charley responds: "Maybe you could take up some hobby like tennis."

Men are too frightened to identify with powerlessness, indecision, and anxiety. No wallowing allowed. None of that existential angst crap. Just do something about it. Take a pill. Take a tennis class. The old adage is true: Women want to talk, share, connect, be known, and know the other. Men want to fix it. Men want to avoid the specter of vulnerability.

How Do We Develop Empathy?

A nine-month-old, Marie, becomes alarmed when she sees her seven-year-old brother, Todd, crying. But she is not sure who is hurt because she cannot clearly distinguish between herself and her brother. Two months later, Marie observes Todd fall and hurt himself. To reduce her anxiety, Marie sucks her thumb vigorously and buries her head in her mother's lap. She is still unsure of who is really in pain.

A few months later, Marie becomes aware that Todd is, indeed, a separate person. (She has achieved what psychologists term "object permanence.") When Todd falls off his bicycle, Marie understands that, while Todd is injured, she is fine. Her distress is transformed from simple empathy with her injured brother to sympathetic concern for his condition. She now not only wants to calm herself, but she also hopes to relieve Todd's suffering. However, her overwhelming self-centeredness may still cause her to offer something that would soothe her, but not necessarily comfort Todd. Marie may fetch her security blanket for him.

By two or three, Marie will understand that people's needs differ. For the first time, she will make an effort to put herself in the other's place. When Todd is hurt, she will offer him her baseball cards because Todd sleeps with his baseball glove and watches the Dodgers any time he can. By five, Marie even understands that her six-year-old cousin, Harrison, who lives three thousand miles away, is a handicapped child with certain life limitations.

Marie was not only capable of empathizing at a very early age, she was also able to act in a caring fashion. When she was one, she obviously shared, helped, protected, and nurturedwithout any necessary prompting or praise. She "fed," groomed, caressed, and talked to her dolls and stuffed animals.

Marie's two-year-old sister, Samantha, always had a very different kind of temperament. From birth, Samantha was irritable and stubborn. When she observed Todd fall off his bicycle, she was curious about what had happened, but didn't run for her favorite blanket in order to ease his pain. On a couple of occasions, she simply remarked, "Todd was riding too fast. He shouldn't have done that." Individual temperament always affects our sensitivity to others.

Since empathy occupies the heart of morality, we have a stake in fostering it in all our children. How can we do that?

Let your child fail. We can love, encourage, and reassure our children, but we can't always protect them. Nor should we. When we shield our children from life's disappointments and cruelty, they will be ill-equipped to move through the world on their own. Sensitivity...

Details zur Ausgabe

• Verlag: Gallery Books
• Erscheinungsdatum: 2002
• Sprache: Englisch
• ISBN 10: 0743465156
• ISBN 13: 9780743465151
• Einband: Taschenbuch
• Anzahl der Seiten: 246
• Kontakt zum Hersteller: Nicht verfügbar
• Verantwortliche Person: Simon and Schuster Netherlands BV; info@simonandschuster.nl; ; Herculesplein 96; Utrecht; 3584 AA; Niederlande