Making Marriage Simple: 10 Truths for Changing the Relationship You Have into the One You Want - Hardcover

Hendrix, Harville; Hunt, Helen Lakelly

Hardcover

ISBN 10: 0770437125 ISBN 13: 9780770437121

Verlag: Harmony Books, 2013

Inhaltsangabe

Change the relationship you have into the one you want.

Welcome to the Relationship Revolution! Making Marriage Simple is the accessible, essential road map to building a strong marriage in the modern world. Bestselling authors Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt distill into ten essential truths what they've learned about how to create a successful and satisfying relationship—both from their decades of “R&D” in the marriage lab of their workshops, and from their own relationship journey. In each chapter, Harville and Helen introduce a simple truth—such as “a frustration is a wish in disguise,” “incompatibility is grounds for marriage,” or “conflict is growth trying to happen”—and then walk couples through easy yet effective exercises to help them apply each truth in real life, every day.

Harville and Helen have spent their careers helping couples transform their marriages through research, workshops, and counseling. But marriage—even for marriage experts—is never easy, and a number of years ago they found themselves on the brink of divorce. Harville and Helen put themselves back through the exercises they’d coached so many other couples through, saving their marriage and helping them achieve a true partnership.

This book is for all couples. It offers the practical tools needed to transform one’s relationship into a rewarding and joyous marriage. Written with humor, compassion, and honesty, and illustrated throughout with engaging line drawings, Making Marriage Simple is a strategic blueprint for creating a stronger, more satisfying partnership in today's world.

Über diesen Titel

Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

HARVILLE HENDRIX, Ph.D, author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, has more than forty years of experience as a clinical pastoral counselor, therapist, educator, clinical trainer, and public speaker. He has appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show 19 times. HELEN LAKELLY HUNT, Ph.D, was elected to the Women's Hall of Fame for her work in women's philanthropy. Harville and Helen co-created Imago Relationship Therapy and are founders of Imago Relationships International, Inc. They have six children and five grandchildren.

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TRUTH #1

Romantic Love Is a Trick

Helen

Although Harville and I come from very different worlds, when we fell in love, we had so much in common. Both of us were divorced. In addition, we each had two children, were passionate about psychology, and loved BBQ. We even had the exact same idea of our ideal vacation: driving around the United States in a rented RV with our newly blended family. Imagine how compatible we (thought we) were!

I can’t remember a single thing we disagreed on.

Ahhh, the splendor of a newly budding relationship!

One minute you’re involved in your life as you know it, when suddenly you see the one. Your eyes meet (perhaps across a crowded room). Heart palpitations start. And the fairy tale of romance begins. Flowers, batting eyelashes, shared meals, laughter. Sunset walks and little love gifts to each other. You spend hours looking forward to your next time together. Maybe you’ll see a movie or simply hang out--talking about everything and nothing.

Each of you finds yourself saying: “It feels like I’ve known you forever. . . .” And in some ways you have. This new person has some very strong similarities to your childhood caregivers.

Now this “falling in love” business might not be so intense for everyone. For some, it’s more gradual. But either way, you begin to think about each other a lot. Being apart feels unbearable. So you text and call each other frequently. When together, you seem to know each other’s thoughts. You complete each other’s sentences. You know exactly what the other one wants because, well, it’s exactly what you want too!

The early stage of a romance brings out the best in people. Both homes are always tidy. Personal grooming is done with special care. Neither one of you burps around the other person. Before you even know what’s happening, you’ve fallen head over heels in LOVE.

Romantic Love that is . . .

It is a mysterious attraction: you feel moments of absolute ecstasy!

Unfortunately this bliss doesn’t last.



FROM ECSTASY TO AGONY

Romantic Love sticks around long enough to bind two people together. Then it rides off into the sunset. And seemingly overnight, your dream marriage can turn into your biggest nightmare.

Now, once in the throes of full-blown Romantic Love, you can do no wrong. When Romantic Love fades however, it feels like you can do no right. The person who was once your greatest fan can become your worst critic. Adoration is replaced by nagging. You notice yourself thinking, “Who IS this person I married? We used to be so compatible. We agreed on everything.” The pit of your stomach churns. And you ask yourself, “How can my partner think that way, act that way, say those things? They fooled me into believing they were someone else!”

When rudely awakened from the dazzling dream of compatibility, people can get very grumpy. Desperate to end the pain and disappointment Romantic Love leaves behind, many couples get divorced. Others who decide not to do the mind--numbing work of dividing up the stuff may stay together. But they wind up living parallel lives, without any true connection. They assume this is as good as it gets. But secretly they think something must be terribly wrong.

Let us reassure you, nothing has gone wrong.

Romantic Love is just the first stage of couplehood. It’s supposed to fade.

Romantic Love is the powerful force that draws you to someone who has the positive and negative qualities of your parents or caregiver (this includes anyone responsible for your care as a child, for example: a parent, older sibling, grandparent, or babysitters.). You felt like you knew your partner forever when you first met because they have the positive qualities of your parents. And because they also have your parents’ negative qualities, you wind up feeling irritated and disappointed by your partner. This is why agony can replace the initial ecstasy. Why relationships can get so painful and hard.

Whoa! The idea that your partner is really a composite of your parents can be a bit upsetting at first. Though we love our parents, most of us got over (consciously) wanting to marry them when we turned five or six. Then, when we hit our teenage years, all we wanted was our freedom. But the fact is, we’re unconsciously drawn to that special someone with the best and worst character traits of all of our caregivers combined. We call this our “Imago”---the template of positive and negative qualities of your primary caregivers.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “But wait, there is no resemblance between my partner and my parents,” let us clarify: Your partner may not look like your parents, and on the surface they may not act like your parents. But you will end up feeling the same feelings you had as a child when you were with your parents. This includes the sense of belonging and the love you felt. But it also includes the experience and upset of not getting all your needs met.



RELIVING CHILDHOOD

We call the result of not getting all of your needs met your “childhood wounding.” You become sensitive in the present to what was missing in the past. Our unconscious mind is set up so that the only way to heal these wounds is to have someone with traits like our caregivers learn how to give us what we needed--and missed out on--in childhood. Though frustrating to endure, this design of relationship has a wondrous plan: to heal each other’s childhood wounds.

Rest assured that when we talk about childhood wounding, we’re not blaming anyone’s parents (ours or yours). The reality is that nobody’s parents were perfect. Ask any one of our six kids if we were perfect, and they will assure you we’re certainly not! But even when parents are great, there are ways their parenting misses the mark. In other words, it’s impossible to parent “perfectly.”

So whether your parents were lousy, or if their wounding was more subtle, the results generally fall into two categories. Your parents were either overinvolved, which left you feeling controlled and smothered.

Or your parents were underinvolved, which left you feeling abandoned.

As a young girl, I felt smothered by the expectations of others. My parents required me to be sweet and thoughtful to everyone, no matter how I really felt. Born and raised in the South, my whole culture expected me to be a gracious Southern Belle who pleased others. I was even taught how to execute a perfect curtsey--seriously, I was expected to bow to others. Busy volunteering at the hospital, my mother was rarely around when I got home from school. And, like her, I was expected to volunteer the majority of my free time.

Now fast-forward to my marriage.

You’d think I’d be the perfect wife, caring for Harville in every way. . . .

Well, the truth is yes . . . and no.

When we got married, I vowed to be the best wife I could be to Harville. Utterly devoted, I prided myself on paying attention to all the details of his life--every single one of them. Pretty soon, I felt like I knew him better than he knew himself. (Oh dear, watch out!)

When friends asked Harville a question, I’d often proudly jump in and answer. I’d set out his breakfast and pridefully cook dinner for him without asking what he wanted. I didn’t have to ask. Because I already knew. Given his love of Star Trek, I just knew he’d be delighted with the Star Trek mugs and bath towels I surprised him with from time to time. I was so attentive to Harville that if you wanted to...

Details zur Ausgabe

• Verlag: Harmony Books
• Erscheinungsdatum: 2013
• Sprache: Englisch
• ISBN 10: 0770437125
• ISBN 13: 9780770437121
• Einband: Gebundene Ausgabe
• Zeichner: Perrachione Elizabeth
• Anzahl der Seiten: 197
• Kontakt zum Hersteller: Nicht verfügbar
• Verantwortliche Person: Nicht verfügbar