I Hear You: Repair Communication Breakdowns, Negotiate Successfully, and Build Consensus . . . in Three Simple Steps - Hardcover

Ebenstein, Donny

Hardcover

ISBN 10: 0814432190 ISBN 13: 9780814432198

Verlag: AMACOM, 2013

Inhaltsangabe

If you’ve ever tried negotiating through an unresolved conflict with a boss, colleague, employee, or client, then you know that it’s easier to sell ice to an Eskimo. Whether big or small, conflict eats into productivity and thickens further even the most stubborn of people. In short, conflict makes people feel stuck.Yet the key to conflict resolution is not as complicated as most think. The answer lies in better communication. No, not you learning more persuasive ways to make your point, but rather simply learning to actively listen to the other perspectives. In I Hear You, readers backed up against a wall built by conflict will learn proven techniques for stepping outside one’s point of view and seeing things from other perspectives. They’ll learn how to:• Tell the other person’s story--the cornerstone of real engagement• Look from the outside in and see themselves as others do• Recognize the role systemic factors play--and transform a conflict into a shared challenge• Overcome the defense mechanisms that derail dialogueComplete with sample dialogues that show how this shift in thinking leads to better conversations and greatly improved outcomes, this invaluable resource is the secret to changing opposition into understanding and mere talk into real trust.

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Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Donny Ebenstein is an international expert in negotiation, communication, and conflict resolution. Beginning in 1996, Donny worked in the Middle East. During that time he co-founded the Jerusalem Mediation Institute, one of the first mediation centers in Israel. Donny's work in the Middle East included training for the Israel Defense Forces on how to collaborate more effectively on joint patrols with their Palestinian counterparts, and joint workshops for Israeli and Palestinian Border Crossing Staff on skills for resolving conflict. In 2000, Donny formed Ebenstein Consulting Incorporated to serve clients in negotiation, communication and conflict resolution. He has worked with professionals of all levels of seniority, from recent college graduates to partners, directors, and the top levels of management. Donny is a graduate of Harvard Law School and holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Michigan.

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Frustrated with the difficult people in your work life? With the boss who barks orders, the colleague who misses deadlines, the client who can’t articulate what he really wants? Conflict at work can be especially draining when everything you say or do to solve the problem only seems to make it worse. So how can you get unstuck and fix the inevitable breakdowns in communication?

Even situations that seem hopeless can be turned around quickly, and you have the power to do it. The key is to not merely use different words but to learn to think differently.

Written by a skilled mediator and conflict negotiator, I Hear You supplies proven techniques for stepping beyond the confines of your own viewpoint and fully grasping the perspectives of others: what drives them to do the things they do, and how very differently they might perceive the same situation. By making this simple but radical shift in thinking, your words will follow suit, paving the way to better conversations and greatly improved outcomes.

I Hear You delivers a wealth of valuable resources to guide you on the path from opposition to understanding, conflict to consensus, including:

• Sample dialogues illustrating both con­structive and damaging conversations

• How to tell the other person’s story—the cornerstone of real engagement

• Tips for erasing internal resistance and defense mechanisms that can block you from seeing other viewpoints and derail dialogue

• Guidelines for identifying the systemic factors that fuel your conflicts

• How to use the powerful technique of role playing to improve your skills in stuck situations

When conflict erupts in your professional or personal life, it’s natural to categorize the players and issues as “right” or “wrong”. But that splintered thinking is rarely helpful and often leads to further turmoil. You can’t fix people, and you can’t control every situation. But I Hear You will give you the insights and practical tools to view communication challenges through a wider, more nuanced lens, and to locate the words, the tone, and the perspective needed to empathetically hear the other side—and help them hear you.

Donny Ebenstein is an international expert in communication, negotiation, and conflict resolution. He has trained, coached, and mediated for private and public sector clients across five continents, with extensive experience in the Middle East. He holds a degree from Harvard Law School and lives in New York City with his wife and three sons.

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From Conflict to Consensus

In the three years I spent acquiring my degree from Harvard Law School, I learned that I actually didn't want to be a lawyer. Instead of being a gladiator on behalf of my clients, I wanted to help people listen to the other side, communicate more effectively, and resolve their conflicts amicably. If I were successful, they would learn and grow from their difficult situations, avoiding conflict in the future.

Shortly after my graduation, I got the chance of a lifetime, winning a fellowship to intern at a conflict resolution center sponsored by the Supreme Court of Costa Rica. I had been in Costa Rica for less than a week, living in the capital of San José. It was Sunday night when I got a phone call from Gabriela, the training director. A presenter who was scheduled to accompany her on a trip to the south suddenly had to cancel for personal reasons. The team, she explained, was now one presenter short--could I go in his place?

A combination of excitement and terror filled me. I was going to have a chance to teach people about the power of conflict resolution. But was I really ready to do that, in a foreign country and speaking a foreign language? What if I flopped?

"Of course I'll go," I said.

The presentation was taking place in Sierpe, a small tropical town in swamplands near the Pacific coast. The weather was hot, humid, and extremely uncomfortable, and I cursed my American button-down shirt, necktie, and wool dress pants. My stomach was in agony from drinking the water that my American stomach couldn't handle. Sweating and miserable, I made my way over to where the presentation would take place--a concrete floor with three grass walls and a grass roof. Our hosts had set up an overhead projector and some sixty chairs for the audience--but no microphone. The acoustics were terrible; to be heard I almost had to yell.

Despite these obstacles, the presentation was a huge success, flawed Spanish and all. My confidence soared, and I went on to do several more such presentations, as well as actual mediations, in other cities and in San José. Success built on itself, and I returned from Costa Rica determined to build a career in this field. Since then, over the past seventeen years, I have been fortunate to be able to turn my passion into a profession. As I think about how my career began with that presentation, two lessons come to mind.

First, I learned that when I shared a message and taught people skills that I truly believed in, I could be effective in virtually any setting. I have worked successfully as a trainer, mediator, facilitator, consultant, curriculum designer, and coach. I've done so with many different types of populations--senior business executives, teachers, psychologists, army officers, hedge fund managers, social workers, police officers, salespeople, attorneys, school administrators, bankers, judges, and more. I have worked all around the world, including in Latin America, the Middle East, Australia, China, Japan, and throughout Europe.

Second, I realized that the need to answer some basic questions is nearly universal: How can I communicate more effectively? How can I build and improve relationships? How can I resolve conflicts? No matter where people worked or what they did for a living, these were the questions that kept surfacing. The desire for help in these areas is both intense and widespread, and when presented with tools that will help, people respond. I've written this book to help people communicate more effectively, particularly in their most stuck, conflict-ridden situations.

BECOMING YOUR OWN COACH

My first encounter with conflict resolution came while still a law student, mediating in the local small claims court. Small claims cases are disputes where the dollar amounts are typically low (a few hundred dollars) but the emotions are high. They might involve an unhappy customer, an unpaid contractor, feuding neighbors, or even quarrels between family members. The goal of small claims mediation is to help the parties resolve their dispute amicably, without having to go before a judge. There are many benefits to settling a dispute rather than receiving a judgment, including better enforcement of the agreement, saving time, protecting one's reputation, and improving relationships (which can be especially important between neighbors or family members).

I volunteered to become trained as a mediator. In the thirty-two-hour mediation course, we learned many different skills, including how to build rapport with the parties, how to ask questions, how to listen effectively, and how to show empathy.

As I began mediating actual cases, I was amazed to see how this process unlocked what appeared to be intractable conflicts, assisting the parties in reaching a mutually acceptable resolution. I asked myself, "Why is mediation effective? If it was possible to settle the case all along, why didn't it settle before? And if it was not possible previously, what has the mediator done to change that?"

Over time, I came to realize that the mediator played an essential role in fostering mutual understanding. A mediator can listen to each side's perspective, understand and validate that perspective, and simultaneously help each party listen to and understand the other side's perspective. The mediator bridges the gaps in understanding between parties. It is this fostering of mutual understanding, in turn, that unlocks the situation and opens up new possibilities for the parties to communicate with one another and to ultimately think creatively about possible solutions that had not been considered before.

But it's not always practical to call in a mediator. Whether your stuck situation is with a colleague, a subordinate, your manager, an important client, or anyone else, you may not have the luxury of calling in a skilled and neutral outsider to bridge the gaps in understanding. And in those cases, you need to help yourself by becoming your own coach, your own outside neutral party. Unilaterally, you can bridge the gaps in perspective, the way a mediator would, and harness the power of mediation to get unstuck all by yourself. This doesn't mean giving in, and it doesn't mean giving up. It just means stepping outside your perspective and looking at your situation from a neutral vantage point. This book provides you with strategies and techniques to do just that.

Chapter One describes the problem of being stuck. We all encounter situations where we don't know how to make things better, making us feel trapped and helpless. The first step is to recognize that you have the power to change things by behaving differently yourself. Even when things seem hopeless, the dynamics of an interpersonal interaction can be changed by just one of the parties doing something differently.

In order to interact differently with your counterparty, you need to find a way to think differently. Looking for new words to say isn't the answer; you need to learn to shift your perspective and flex your mind to create new possibilities in how you interact with the other side. This is the subject of Chapter Two. Flexing one's mind, however, is no small feat. Chapter Three describes the barriers to engaging in this process that can get you stuck, and it provides you with some suggestions for how to get past these challenges.

We've all heard similar advice...

Details zur Ausgabe

• Verlag: AMACOM
• Erscheinungsdatum: 2013
• Sprache: Englisch
• ISBN 10: 0814432190
• ISBN 13: 9780814432198
• Einband: Gebundene Ausgabe
• Anzahl der Seiten: 288
• Kontakt zum Hersteller: Nicht verfügbar
• Verantwortliche Person: WordUnited GmbH; distribution@wordunited.com; ; Theodorstrasse 105; DUSSELDORF; 40472; Deutschland