Humor Me, I'm over the Hill - Hardcover

Johnson, Barbara

Hardcover

ISBN 10: 0849902894 ISBN 13: 9780849902895

Verlag: Nelson Bibles, 2007

Inhaltsangabe

A delightful reminder to age gleefully while living life to the fullest.

"They say the best way to grow old is not to be in a hurry about it,and Lord knows, I've put it off for as long as I could." says humorist and encourager Barbara Johnson. But old age happens...with little or no effort on our part. If you're alive, you're getting older! In thisthird book in the Humor Me series, readers will find hilarious ways to age both ferociously and joyfully. Created especiallyfor those who are young at heart but slightly older in other places.

Über diesen Titel

Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Barbara Johnson was the founder of Spatula Ministries, a coauthor of various Women of Faith devotionals, and the author of numerous bestselling books, including Boomerang Joy, Living Somewhere between Estrogen and Death, and Stick a Geranium in Your Hat and Be Happy.

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Humor Me

I'm Over the HillBy Barbara Johnson

Thomas Nelson

Copyright © 2007 Barbara Johnson
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-8499-0289-5

Contents

1. NOT THE WAY I PLANNED IT I'm ready to meet my Maker ... but He's apparently tied up with a previous engagement................................................12. FINDING NEW PURPOSES IN LATER LIFE How to use age spots, skin tags, and facial hair to camouflage those extra chins...........................................133. THE LOVELY PATINA OF AGE Of course I'll smile for the camera ... just as soon as I find my teeth..............................................................274. CELEBRATING SENILITY All the smart and good-looking seniors are relocating to Looneyville ... I'm just writing to give you my new address.....................435. MOTHERING MIDLIFE MAYHEM Are you sure you're the person I gave birth to?......................................................................................576. GROW OLD ALONG WITH ME We started out with nothing and still have most of it left.............................................................................67NOTES.............................................................................................................................................................85

Chapter One

NOT THE WAY I PLANNED IT

I'm ready to meet my Maker ... but He's apparently tied up with a previous engagement

If you know anything about me, you're aware that I attract strange and funny incidents the way refrigerators attract magnets. Now that I'm teetering on the tightrope between senior and senility, these things seem to be happening more frequently. For instance, during the week before my birthday last December, my phone rang, and the conversation went something like this:

"Mrs. Johnson?"

"Yes."

"This is Fred from Real-Life Prostheses, and ..."

"Excuse me? Who is this again?"

"Fred, from Real-Life ..."

"I think you have the wrong number, Fred."

"I just wanted to let you know that your new breasts aren't ready yet."

"My new what?"

"Your husband called and asked us if we could do a rush job and have your new breasts ready before Christmas. The other guy told him yes and promised to have them ready tomorrow, but then we realized you were an extra-large, and since that takes longer, they have to be special ordered. I didn't know the other guy told your husband yes; he shouldn't have done that without checking with me. I'm so sorry."

I've had occasional memory lapses lately, so I took a quick glance down at my chest to make sure nothing was missing.

"Fred, I ..."

"Oh dear. He probably wanted it to be a surprise. He said you were going somewhere special for Christmas, and he knew you would want to look your best."

"Fred, I'm so sorry to argue with you, but I really don't think my husband called you. He died three years ago, and I just checked-yes, I still have my own breasts. And by the way, they're not what you would call extra-"

"Oh, my! Oh, dear! I am so sorry. I can't imagine how this happened. I ... well ... I. Uh, have a nice day."

See how good God is? On any given day, He might have a stranger call you up unexpectedly and give you a laugh that lasts for weeks, if not for a lifetime. So the laughter lasts longer-and may reoccur sporadically as you share the story with friends. That's what happened when I told my pals about the phone call ... and the next week, when they showed up with my birthday cake, it was shaped like, well, let's just say it was anatomically correct ... or at least anatomically suggestive!

Hunting Down the Humor

When you get to be my age-and if you're reading this book, you're probably headed that direction-you've probably had lots of opportunities to laugh at life's silliness. Of course, sometimes the stuff that happens to us as we move through the maturity maze doesn't seem all that funny at the time. Sometimes you have to hunt down the humor, pick it out of the problem pileup, or crank it up from the cesspool. But if you look hard enough and live long enough, you'll find it. As Carol Burnett reportedly said, "Humor is tragedy plus time." And if you're extra lucky, over the decades you've developed just the slightest gift for exaggeration, so that when you tell your friends about funny things that God has sent your way, you find yourself improving on the humor of God Himself.

On the other hand, things that used to be funny when I was younger aren't all that hilarious anymore. For instance, my sister, Janet, used to play the piano at a nursing home to entertain the residents, and we loved to laugh together about the optimistic old lady who bragged to Janet, "I wake up every morning and I know who I am, and I say, `Praise the Lord!'"

Yes, that used to be funny. These days, however, it's losing a bit of its punch. Oh, I know who I am most of the time. It's your name I can't remember. Sometimes I'll have to run through my entire mental Rolodex, calling a friend by every name that comes to mind-from former pets and automobiles to present-day helpers and relatives-before I finally arrive at the right one.

Now, I have to admit this isn't really a new problem. I can remember how our boys used to roll their eyes as I was reciting roll call, trying to get to the right name for the culprit who needed an emergency lecture: "Bill! Steven! Whumphie! Tim! Barney! Spot! David! ... You there, chasing your brother with the scissors! Stop it right now!"

As I've grown older, the problem has gotten worse, especially with all the abbreviations and acronyms used in modern life. Lately I've sometimes felt like an English teacher who's struggling to make sense of a foreign alphabet. I might mean to report on a friend's female problems requiring hormone replacement therapy that worried her about someday needing life-saving intervention but instead say that she had frequent parcel deliveries along with worries about the war in Iraq and hoped she would never need an accountant. So it comes out as, "She had such bad UPS, she thought she needed to take WMD but worried it might affect her heart and cause her to need CPA."

I'd like to blame my tendency toward confused communication on the fact that-maybe you've heard-I was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor back in 2001. But the fact is, I've always been just a little bit absentminded, so I'm not sure the brain tumor has any- thing to do with it. (When the doctor told me what the problem was, I thought, Wouldn't you know? All these years I've wished my brain would GROW and instead I get a GROWTH!)

For me, having brain cancer has been one long headache. People treat you differently when they find out you have cancer, especially people who are acquaintances rather than close friends. They look at you differently, and a lot of the time, I don't like the unspoken words I see in their eyes: Poor you. You've got cancer. You're going to die.

It's made me want to follow another cancer patient's urges and wear a T-shirt that says:

Yes, I have cancer. Yes, I'm going to die. And so are you.

Cancer has taken away my freedom to travel and my ability to work as a conference speaker, which I've enjoyed for more than thirty years. I admit that I've shed many tears about my situation. Yes, indeed. I've endured plenty of anguish during the...

Details zur Ausgabe

• Verlag: Nelson Bibles
• Erscheinungsdatum: 2007
• Sprache: Englisch
• ISBN 10: 0849902894
• ISBN 13: 9780849902895
• Einband: Gebundene Ausgabe
• Anzahl der Seiten: 86
• Kontakt zum Hersteller: Nicht verfügbar
• Verantwortliche Person: Reckitt Benckiser Deutschland GmbH; consumerhealth_de@reckitt.com; ; Darwinstrasse 2-4; Heidelberg; 69115; Deutschland