Handbook of Hope: First Aid for Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One - Softcover

Burgess, Mary Elizabeth

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1491841575 ISBN 13: 9781491841570

Verlag: AuthorHouse, 2013

Inhaltsangabe

Grief/Consolation Written in short, to the point suggestions, Handbook of Hope provides practical, meaningful, and immediate aid for family and friends of loved ones who die by suicide. Sometimes classified as disenfranchised grief because society's attitudes do not permit "normal" mourning, suicide is one of the most difficult kinds of loss to cope with. Handbook of Hope is designed to help with the period immediately following the suicide as well as many months later. It points the way, step by step, to acceptance of the reality of devastating loss. Drawing from many perspectives, including her own losses and illness as well as the mourning styles of her family, Mary Elizabeth Burgess writes with the warmth and conviction of one who's "been there" She also facilitates Grief Support Groups. "From Mary Elizabeth Burgess's personal tragedy was born this slim volume of hope and wisdom. It is comforting to read for those new to the raw grief which flows in the wake of suicide-and full of straightforward navigational advice" -Sarai Alpert, M.A. Grief Therapist "At the darkest moment of my life, a total stranger reached out to me with her Handbook of Hope. Only someone who has experienced the suicide of a loved one could write these clear and loving words. Please keep your copy close. You will need to refer to it often. You are not alone" -Debra Lloyd, Mother "Believe this: You will survive"

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Handbook of Hope

First Aid for Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One

By Mary Elizabeth Burgess

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2013 Mary Elizabeth Burgess
All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-4918-4157-0

Contents

Acknowledgments, ix, 
Preface, xi, 
The Emergency Room, 1, 
The Recovery Room, 15, 
Recuperation, 31, 

CHAPTER 1

THE EMERGENCY ROOM

Expect to feel in shock.

Shock and numbness may last for days, even weeks or months, off and on. You will want this wrenching loss to go away, to wake up to find it was all a nightmare.

You may often re-play the chaos.

Expect to re-live:

- the disintegration of your gut when the first realization hit or when you found your loved one,

- the indignity of emergency vehicles, police and coroner,

- denial, hurt, explanations (any and all that leaped to mind),

- playing a role, being someone else: calm, cool, collected, or hysterical.

It was all a surreal montage in which nothing made sense, only that your world had suddenly exploded.

No doubt you will have trouble sleeping and eating.

Keeping your thoughts together is another problem. You haven't lost your mind—just a very precious person.

If you were the one who found your loved one dead, that image may haunt you for awhile. In time, it will be softened by pleasant images as they surface to your memory from better days.

Ride the roller coaster of emotions.

Many different feelings will overwhelm, one after the other.

It's okay to feel anger, relief, guilt, regret and sorrow too deep for words—but don't act on your feelings if they're destructive.

It's not uncommon to want to join the loved one in death. But if you feel this way, TELL someone.

Let others enter the pain.

They want to help bear your load. You would do the same for them. This is love in its sweetest, most mysterious guise at work.

Talk as much as you need to.

The need to describe your experiences and feelings is a naturally strong one and part of the beginning of healing.

Friends and family may be your best sounding board now. Or contact a trusted clergyman or counselor if you need objective, caring advice.

When you need to withdraw, do so.

Don't ignore your need to ventilate, but, at times you must find a retreat, your own special sanctum, to sob, yell, beat your breast—or just be alone.

It's not unusual if all you feel right now is numb. You can let other feelings back in when it's safer to deal with them.

Crying is good for the soul—and the body.

It's believed tears release some of the body's negative chemicals when it is experiencing pain or stress.

Don't be concerned about what other think. Crying is one of the healthiest ways to vent your feelings.

If you think you'll never stop, remember that you have the rest of your life to weep. You don't have to do it all today, this moment.

Visit your doctor.

Use medication if you really need it, especially to sleep or soothe the stomach, but only temporarily and only with the advice of a physician.

Avoid or reduce usage of other chemicals.

Alcohol, caffeine or nicotine may temporarily numb, but they ultimately interfere with the body's own healing mechanism.

And, of course, NO illegal drugs.

Make extra allowance for yourself.

Especially if this is the first major loss in your life, you will feel in an altered state. Realize that the worst has already happened to you.

Others deeply acquainted with grief may be helpful, but each loss is unique. If what people suggest is not healing, disregard their advice.

On the other hand, try to be open to any suggestions that may ease your distress.

Eat something, even if you haven't an appetite.

But do so gently. Eat small amounts at a time, perhaps more frequently than usual.

The so-called soft foods—gelatin, puddings, bland soups, toast, potatoes, pasta, fruits—are easiest to digest. Avoid fatty and highly seasoned foods, except in wee quantities.

Yes, chicken soup is good for more than the soul.

Allow God's love to fill you, surround you, uplift you.

Such love comes directly, or through the care, concern and prayers of others. Lean into and on it.

Use the words that are comfortable for you.

They may be "committed suicide," "took his life," or, simply, "died." (Committing suicide sounds too much like committing murder—which it is. Your loved one was both victim and killer, an unhappy thought. At some point, you may want to try to understand why this is the most complicated and devastating of griefs.)

In the long run it is not healing to make up a story about accident or illness (other than depression) taking your loved one's life. Be truthful with others and you will be able to be truthful with yourself.

Repeat your story as often as necessary.

Talking makes it real. Eventually, you will not have to re-live every detail.

Ask "Why?" but don't expect answers.

Not yet. Avoid ruminating. Thinking too much results in a cycle of frustration.

Avoid blaming yourself. This act was your loved one's decision, not yours.

If children or teenagers are among the survivors, seek professional help.

Many experts believe suicide is the most devastating death to encounter. Its after-effects on adults, let alone children, can be lifelong. Though they may appear to be handling the grief well now, children and teens can enter a stage of denial from which it is difficult to emerge. They need to be able to talk about the death freely to prevent wounds from causing later emotional problems.

And you need to separate your grief from theirs.

However, if the news is given honestly and sensitively, a child's wisdom may be healing for others. One four-year old, after pondering the news that her father's best friend had died (she'd made a get-well card while he was sick), said simply, "He couldn't live anymore."

The fear you may feel is normal.

You face many unknowns just now. Deal with them one at a time as you are able.

Most problems can be postponed for awhile. When you are able to face things with clearer thinking, you will find people ready to help you through many of the things that now loom over you.

Breathe deeply.

This relieves tension and fills you with a life force. Lie flat, place one hand on your abdomen, the other on your chest.

Let air slowly fill your body so that your abdomen rises. Air will automatically inflate your lungs.

Release the air very slowly and easily. (This is the way babies breathe, totally relaxed.)

Repeat several times, letting tension ooze from the muscles of your arms, your neck and shoulders, your back, your front.

Shame and embarrassment may accompany the mixture of emotions you feel.

This is because the view of society-at-large seems to be that suicide is a cowardly, selfish, even unforgiveable act.

Taking his or her life did not make your loved one a bad person, only a very depressed one.

Understand that no one takes his or her own life on a whim. A long and agonizing struggle precedes the act, whether it is for days or months or hours.

In the midst of unfathomable pain, it can take great courage and strength to resolve that struggle whether...

Details zur Ausgabe

• Verlag: AuthorHouse
• Erscheinungsdatum: 2013
• Sprache: Englisch
• ISBN 10: 1491841575
• ISBN 13: 9781491841570
• Einband: Taschenbuch
• Anzahl der Seiten: 66
• Kontakt zum Hersteller: Nicht verfügbar
• Verantwortliche Person: gpsr@libri.de; gpsr@libri.de; ; Friedensallee 273; Hamburg; 22763; Deutschland