So Now You're a Zombie: A Handbook for the Newly Undead - Softcover

Austin, John

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1569763429 ISBN 13: 9781569763421

Verlag: CHICAGO REVIEW PR, 2010

Inhaltsangabe

Being undead can be disorienting. Your arms and other appendages tend to rot and fall off. It&;s difficult to communicate with a vocabulary limited to moans and gurgles. And that smell! (Yes, it&;s you.) But most of all, you must constantly find and ingest human brains. Braaaains!!!

            What&;s a zombie to do?

            Thankfully, zombiologist John Austin details everything you need to know, as a newly undead soul, to hunt, fight, and feed on the living. As the first handbook written specifically for the undead, So Now You&;re a Zombie explains how you ended up in this predicament, the stages of zombification, and what you need to survive in this zombiphobic world. Dozens of helpful diagrams outline attack strategies, such as the Ghoul Reach, the Flanking Zack, the Bite Hold, and the Aerial Fall, to secure your human prey. You&;ll even learn how to successfully extract the living from boarded up farmhouses and broken down vehicles.

            This handbook also explores the upside of being a zombie. Gone are the burdens of employment, taxes, social networks, even basic hygiene, allowing you to focus on simple necessities in &;life&;: the juicy gray matter found in the skulls of the living.

Über diesen Titel

Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

John Austin is the author of MiniWeapons of Mass Destruction, Cubical Warfare, and Prank University. For more information, visit

http://www.johnaustinbooks.com/zombie.html 

Auszug. © Genehmigter Nachdruck. Alle Rechte vorbehalten.

So Now You're a Zombie

A Handbook for the Newly Undead

By John Austin

Chicago Review Press Incorporated

Copyright © 2010 John Austin
All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-56976-342-1

Contents

Introduction: The Road to Brainville, 
1 What the Hell Am I?, 
2 Your Zombie Body, 
3 Know Your Enemy, 
4 Hunting for Brains, 
5 Transportation, 
6 Attacking, 
7 Human Buffet, 
8 Infecting, 
9 In the End, 
Appendix: The Zombie Code, 
Final Word: A Message for the Living, 

CHAPTER 1

WHAT THE HELL I AM?

Zedulations, you're a zombie! You are one of the newest appendages of an alliance of infected ex-humans, a creature seasoned for a single duty: to gorge upon the living. The zombie virus stuffed in your innards borrows the human body — similar to "borrowing a tissue" — shutting off all your wasteful bodily functions then reanimating you with a hunger that defies the laws of human science. Your body is now controlled by roughly 50 billion contaminated neurons in the brain (though, admittedly, we've never counted them), all manipulated to a new purpose: to hunt, fight, and feed.

Prior to your body's metamorphosis, also known as zombitication, these neurons were highly developed, capable of problem solving, language, memory, and perverted thinking. But once you became infected, all these mental processes were dissolved in a traumatic brain event, even the kinky ones. This viral dementia is precisely the reason you don't remember joining up! Going forward, it will affect your ability to use weapons, hunt cooperatively, and communicate during the pursuit of the living. These attributes have been replaced by screaming, drooling, shambling, and other zed mannerisms, which may or may not come in handy.

Once the z-virus is introduced into a system, it is 100 percent incurable, so rest assured: your position in the Army of Darkness is irrevocable. However, in order to remain a productive member of our team, you must consume and absorb uninfected flesh to decelerate decomposition.

The good news is, you are well equipped with the weapons necessary to gain access to your tasty prey. Your newly transformed brain cells still erratically control all gross motor skills, allowing your zombie body to be clumsily mobile and react to the world in a limited, instinctual way. With the help of newly enhanced zombie senses, these crude motor skills are all you need to track and dine on the living. In addition, you're impervious to pain and capable of absorbing large amounts of damage, including the loss of appendages or major organs. Your body will keep on ticking until it's disconnected from your brain, whether through decapitation, blunt force trauma, fire, or cranial penetration.

It's a lot to absorb, but throughout the rest of the book all the information you need will be regurgitated in body-dragging detail.

Screw Responsibility!

They say infection, we say solution! In your past incarnation, the world was filled with what humans call "responsibilities," grotesque obligations that held you accountable to your peers. But as a zed, you are no longer bedeviled by these rules. In fact, high standards and quality living are actually frowned upon in the zombie world. As the Zombie Code clearly states, "A zombie shall never follow the laws of man, punishable by decapitation" (see "The Zombie Code," page 143). So F responsibilities!

Need specifics? Here are just a few of the human distractions from which the z-virus has freed you.

* Taxes. The government may be looking for you, but it's probably not because your 1040 form was late. If they want it, they can come and get it. You could give a rat's ass about W2s when you have WWZ on your tainted mind.

* Work. In past lives, most zombies were chained to demeaning desk jobs and tortured by asshole bosses. Consider this an early retirement. The time for pushing pencils and processing numbers is over — this is the time to burn bridges!

* Investments. Remember having to save for your financial future? No, you probably don't, and that's for the best. If you'd known that the currency-free existence of a zombie awaited you, you could have just bought that damn sports car!

* Dieting. South Beach, North Beach ... you've counted your last calorie. The Brain Beach Diet is not restrictive.

* Hygiene. Body maintenance is now out of your hands, assuming you still have them. Even without a daily grooming routine, you'll still turn heads, trust us. A slow shamble down any main street will have all the girls and boys screaming.

* Sleep. Party all night long! Zombies don't need sleep, which allows us to hunt continually, sun up or sun down!

* Social Networking. As a human, you probably spent much of your time dodging shady acquaintances and their "friend requests." Now they'll be the ones avoiding you.

* Dating. Zeds are not great with relationships; they often mistake attempts at intimacy for an aggressive attack and respond accordingly. Think on the bright side: no more buying flowers or forgetting anniversaries. Good for you, bad for Hallmark.

Zombie History

Like zombies throughout history, you roam in the present by the seat of your soiled pants. You have enough trouble just staggering day to day, and probably don't have any interest in eyeballing your gloomy past. Unfortunately, this fixed mindset can be unhealthy (just like you!). When it comes to sustained destruction, the undead have a mediocre legacy, and without some slight rubbernecking, history can easily repeat itself. We've ripped out most of the blood-soaked details, narrowing it down to a skeletal outline.

Prehistoric Zombies

Zombo sapiens stumbled into West Africa roughly 200,000 years ago, hauntingly close to the time of modern man — Homo sapiens. Evidence indicates that in the beginning, breathers and the undead had many similarities. Both species exhibited shoddy communications skills, lacked personal hygiene, and occasionally experimented with cannibalism.

The ancient zeds lacked any zombie culture, though they did exhibit primitive communal dynamics, assembling into hordes, also known as mobs or zombie walks, to hunt down their elusive prey. With relatively few humans to feed on, the ancient zeds were often on the brink of severe decomposition. Once massed together, early Zombo sapiens would rely heavily on the newly reanimated to sniff out hidden human flesh. If a human victim was located, the new recruits' screams and moans would shatter the stale air and stimulate the starved pack to close in on the bewildered human. Flesh proportions would have to be shared.

Not only was Zombo sapiens' existence a constant struggle for survival, but also the ancient strain of the z-virus was weak by today's standards. For both these reasons, our earliest ancestors succeeded in infesting only a minuscule portion of the human population.

Soon, however, populations of Homo sapiens and Zombo sapiens were both on the rise, and it became more difficult to coexist. Uninfected humans invented stone tools, including blunt weapons, and embraced pointlessly aggressive behavioral patterns. Armed and dangerous, the living were now killing zombies for pleasure, a murderous pursuit that previewed humankind's bloody future.

With an undead genocide underway, the zeds were forced to evolve in order to survive. They developed a...

Details zur Ausgabe

• Verlag: CHICAGO REVIEW PR
• Erscheinungsdatum: 2010
• Sprache: Englisch
• ISBN 10: 1569763429
• ISBN 13: 9781569763421
• Einband: Taschenbuch
• Anzahl der Seiten: 145
• Kontakt zum Hersteller: Nicht verfügbar
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