Codependence and the Power of Detachment: How to Set Boundaries and Make Your Life Your Own - Softcover

Casey, Karen

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1573243620 ISBN 13: 9781573243629

Verlag: Conari Press,U.S., 2008

Inhaltsangabe

Codependency--living as if what others think matters more than what we think, and trying to please or change othersis an insidious and pervasive addiction. And there is a simple way out of it: detachment.

In Codependence and the Power of Detachment, bestselling author Karen Casey shares her story and the story of others who have suffered from codependency. Based on the insights and tools she's discovered during her many years of sobriety to address codependency, Casey takes readers through the steps of detaching from a bad situation: admitting the attachment, surrendering the outcome, forgiving, and focusing attention on what works. She describes how to pay attention, be aware, and take care of ourselves, and let others--husbands, family, and coworkers--become accountable for themselves.

Codependence and the Power of Detachment shows that detachment is a power anyone can claim. It is the power of sanity, of peace, of finding one's own inner strength.

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Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Karen Casey is a popular speaker at recovery and spirituality conferences throughout the country. She is the author of 20 plus books, including Each Day a New Beginning, which has sold more than 2 million copies. She and her husband spend their time between Florida, Indiana, and Minnesota.

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Codependence and the Power of Detachment

HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES AND MAKE YOUR LIFE YOUR OWN

By Karen Casey

Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC

Copyright © 2008 Karen Casey
All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-57324-362-9

Contents

Introduction
CHAPTER 1 From Enmeshment to Freedom
CHAPTER 2 Detachment in action
CHAPTER 3 An Acquired Habit
CHAPTER 4 Surrender at Last
CHAPTER 5 Breakthrough
CHAPTER 6 Relief
CHAPTER 7 Strength Does Come
CHAPTER 8 Choosing Survival
CHAPTER 9 A Spiritual Action
CHAPTER 10 Following the Footsteps
CHAPTER 11 Tempering the Inner Fire
CHAPTER 12 Fellowship through the Back Door
CHAPTER 13 From Darkness to Dawn
CHAPTER 14 Choices
CHAPTER 15 Learning to Let Go
CHAPTER 16 A Journey Begun in Youth
CHAPTER 17 Enough Is Enough
CHAPTER 18 Changes
CHAPTER 19 Revising Expectations
CHAPTER 20 Hope Revisited
CHAPTER 21 Letting Go
CHAPTER 22 Nothing Less Than Freedom
Conclusion: Choosing a New Perspective
Appendix: The Twelve Steps of Al-Anon

CHAPTER 1

FROM ENMESHMENT TO FREEDOM

MY STORY

When we're caught in the pain of enmeshment, we don't know who we are, what wethink or want, or what direction is right for us to move in. We have traded inour own identity for the identity we think another person prefers. And when wehave many significant people in our lives who we assume we need to satisfy, wenecessarily develop many personalities. Chaos reigns, at least in our own minds,when we are living for and through other people.

That's how I lived life for my first thirty-six years. I vividly rememberstanding in our kitchen and crying after my first husband, Bill, and Iseparated, because I had no idea what I wanted to fix for my dinner. I had spenttwelve years cooking whatever he wanted, and the sad part was that it had notoccurred to me that it could have been different. It wasn't because he wasabusive and demanded that I cook his favorite things; I had simply lived my lifearound him in every regard. I remember feeling as though I were on the hot seatwhenever he asked me what I thought about a book we had both read, a movie wehad recently seen, a philosophical idea he had painstakingly explained to me, oreven something as simple as the weather. I would nervously search my mind toguess what he might be thinking about the topic so my answer could match, or atleast complement, his ideas. I feared his look of boredom whenever I offeredwhat he considered an obviously uninformed answer.

Did he really look at me this way? Probably not. Did he demand that I pay himthis homage? of course not. It was simply what I had learned to do inrelationships in order to avoid being rejected. But in the end, my panderingcould not keep him in the relationship. And it had given me no happiness either.

My experience with Bill was not the first relationship I had tried to control byseeking to make myself indispensable. With my first boyfriend in high school, Ihad behaved similarly. If Steve was moody, I was the reason. I needed to be moreexciting perhaps. If he didn't call when I expected him to, I was certain abreakup was imminent. If he had not asked me for a specific weekend date, I knewit was because he was waiting for a better date to surface. I lived my lifearound his every mood and meager offerings of attention. I watched him like ahawk to assess how I was doing in my role as girlfriend.

My early relationships illustrate the too-common behaviors of the enmeshed,attached, codependent person. My identity was clearly an extension of thepartner I was with. If he turned away, I felt invisible. If he praised me orfocused attention on me in any way, it suggested I mattered. I was continuouslyafraid that every relationship partner and friend would eventually reject meunless I was the perfect counterpart to his or her identity. Mine was animpossible assignment. My inner turmoil and overwhelming self-doubt onlyincreased in magnitude.

Considering myself a whole person, worthy to be valued solely on my own terms,was beyond my comprehension. While growing up, I had not received the kind ofperspective from my family that would have helped me develop a positive self-image.Being constantly available and ingratiating was the only way I knew toget the feedback I craved. At the end of my relationships with Steve and Bill, Iwas aware that the behavior I had tried to master could not prevent rejection.But I had no other behavior to resort to. I didn't even realize it could bedifferent.

My reliance on open expressions of love from significant other people in my lifewas absolute for a number of years. I didn't really appreciate the depth of myown dependence on others' approval until I had been sober and in AlcoholicsAnonymous (AA) for a while. It wasn't that I didn't see how much I wanted to benoticed and liked—I had just never acknowledged how anxious I felt when theattention I sought was not forthcoming.

But while I assumed that AA was going to change all of the behaviors,perceptions and assumptions that had haunted me for years and fed my self-doubt,toward the end of my first year of recovery, I was closer to suicide than at anytime previously in my life. I had considered suicide the perfect out for manyyears; however, I had never planned it in as much detail as I did after abouttwelve months of sobriety. Stacked on my kitchen table were the towels I plannedto stuff around the windows of my apartment. All I needed to do was tightly tuckthem next to the sills and turn on the gas from the stove. I felt numb and yetrelieved that the pain would soon be gone.

Then there was a rapid, persistent knocking at the door.

I wasn't expecting anyone and considered not answering, but a voice begancalling my name. It sounded quite impatient, so I eventually opened the door. Myvisitor, a woman I barely recognized, insisted we had made an appointment todiscuss financial planning. She brushed right past me and walked into mykitchen.

After a good bit of probing on her part, I told her about my overwhelming fearand depression, although not my planned suicide. She said she understood, hadexperienced this form of anxiety herself, gave it a name, and told me I was onthe threshold of a great spiritual awakening. She said that my experience wassimply a point on the continuum of spiritual growth and that most individualswho were seeking a deeper, better understanding of their purpose in life, as Ihad been, went through this phase.

Something inside me told me she was right. I could feel a change throughout mybody as she spoke. A calm settled over me. I had not felt calm for many weeks. Ihad the quiet but profound knowledge that I hadn't ever needed to discussfinances with her. But I had needed to speak to someone about my cripplingfears. Within a few minutes of her mysterious presence in my home, I was freedfrom the need to end my life. She left almost as quickly as she had come, butshe was, without a doubt, God-sent.

STILL ADDICTED TO APPROVAL

One might think that following this profound couple of hours with the mysterious"financial planner," I would never have experienced fear again. While it's truethat the overwhelming, free-floating kind of fear was gone, I still soughtconcrete evidence of approval from most of the significant people in my life. Istill feared what others were thinking.

In the third year of my sobriety and following the completion of my Ph.D., Itook a job that I was not well prepared for and had a boss who was demanding anddemeaning. My well-worn habit of making another person my "god" was acceleratedon that job. Having lived that way since childhood and having never really freedmyself of the need to please others at any cost, I found that with a boss suchas mine, all of my old responses were easily triggered. I was addicted toapproval, period!

I also began to understand my need for control—control over what another personwas thinking about me. It was a constant need in nearly every relationship in mylife, as much as I did not want to admit it. As diligently as I tried, Icontinued to scan the expressions of others, particularly the expressions of myboss and my significant other, for my "control fix." Getting the fix one needsin order to continue living from one minute to the next, whether from a drug orfrom the praise of a person, is a debilitating way to live. I wouldn't say thatthe addiction of codependency is more harmful than addiction to alcohol or othermood-altering chemicals, but I can't say that it is less harmful either.

Eventually the pain of my work environment and my boss's behavior sent me intooutpatient treatment for codependency, and I hurried back to Al-Anon, theprogram I had sought help from before I got sober myself. I had begun my journeyin Al-Anon in 1975, as a desperate measure to try to change the drinking patternof the significant person in my life. I didn't glean from that first meetingthat Al-Anon wasn't created for that purpose. In fact, I came home with an AlAnonbook and eagerly read it from cover to cover. At the next meeting, whenasked how I was doing, I said that I was fine—I had finished the book! The othergroup members laughed and suggested I begin reading again, this time readingonly the page for the day. The book's title, One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, hadnot even registered when I picked it up that first night.

What I had not yet fully understood was that I had only a moment-by-momentreprieve from codependent feelings, and these moments were the direct result ofmy willingness to look only to my Higher Power for my good feelings. I am sograteful to have been introduced to the concept of a higher Power in Al-Anon. Itrelaxed me to envelop myself in the comfort of "a god" as I understood him, acomfort that was always there when the comfort from a partner might not be.

THE LEARNING CURVE

Seeking approval from others for my very existence was such an ingrained habitthat knowing I didn't need approval was beyond my comprehension for a long time.Fortunately, my sponsor reminded me often that I was on a learning curve andthat I was right where I needed to be. Her words of comfort and her wisdom keptme from losing all hope.

Meanwhile, a treatment counselor suggested that when we feel as if we're fallinginto old patterns of behavior, we should retreat to a safe place for a prayerand an inner pep talk. The bathroom became my haven. I can remember how quicklyand frequently I would head for the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror andsilently remind myself that God (the God I didn't yet really trust) did love meand that I was worthy with or without acceptance, approval, or love of anyparticular person.

I can't say exactly when the change began to happen for me. I can only say thatit did. I simply noted, on occasion, that I seemed unaffected by harsh words orintentional scowls directed at me by the important people in my life. It wasn'tthat I no longer cared what others might think; it was that I had begun to feela new confidence. Was the change because of meetings, daily readings, reachingout to others in new ways, or prayer? Probably it was a result of thecombination of all of these. More specifically, my confidence probably developedbecause I had let go of my shame around the attachment, the enmeshment that Ifelt with so many other people in my life, and I had started discussing theproblem in meetings.

I also learned that controlling others so that they provide me with what I thinkI need to feel good about myself is like traveling through a maze that has noexit. I would never find what I am seeking. Grasping the essence of the FirstStep of the Al-Anon program—that we our powerless over alcohol and thuspowerless over those who suffer from the disease of alcoholism, as well as overall others, too—offered me the first sign of relief, and thus hope, that I cansurvive within a relationship.

My second experience in Al-Anon has continued to this day. I am convinced thatmy sobriety owes nearly as much to Al-Anon as to AA. I say this because in mythirty-three years of recovery, I have known far too many people who havereturned to drinking as the result of painful relationships. Al-Anon has nottaken away all the pain in my significant relationships, but it has given me thetools to deal with the issues that surface when people honestly relate to eachother.

It is very, very hard to change the only behavior that you're familiar with;mind-sets are deeply ingrained. But they can change. I am living proof.

INSIGHTS

When we are overly attached to the feelings, the opinions, and the action ofothers, we have no life of our own. We are not emotionally separate and healthy,but enmeshed and unfocused. When we are willingly, obsessively encumbered by theemotional presence of the other person, we cannot have clarity about our ownlives, and we cannot hear the messages that are trying to reach us about theright path to take or the right decision to make.

Offering attention to others is not a bad thing. But there is a significantdifference between offering loving attention to someone in need and totallygiving up attention to one's own needs in the process. Nobody is helped by ourobsession with others. While it is neither right nor helpful to isolateourselves from the people who happen upon our path, learning from them comes asthe result of healthy interaction, not obsessive, compulsive attention.

The value of detachment is that it frees both persons who are caught in the webof obsessive attention and attachment. Detachment doesn't mean a sudden decisionto ignore a loved one. Rather, it means lovingly moving our attention away fromthem. It means looking about our life fully and appreciatively, not narrowly, aswe are wont to do when we have captured a hostage by means of attachment.

CHAPTER 2

DETACHMENT IN ACTION

JEAN'S STORY

I first became acquainted with Jean in an Al-Anon meeting. It was a large groupof men and women, and it was the custom of this particular group to staytogether as one unit throughout discussion, so I never spoke to her individuallyuntil I happened to sit next to her at one of the noon meetings. Instantly Icould tell she had the kind of program—i.e., a gentle way of living—all Al-Anon-goersseek. I was curious about her history and told her so. I also wonderedwhat happened to her, because Jean's glow told me what life was like for hernow.

We met for lunch, and she gave me the short story on how she had come to Al-Anon.Jean was the middle daughter in a middle-class "functional" family, twicedivorced, and the mother of two boys. She had been an artist, making her livingin the arts for more than twenty-five years in Vermont. Because of a change inher personal life, she gravitated to her present home and the city where I mether.

"I knew years ago that I wanted to be on a spiritual journey," she said. "[T]heuniverse sent me an alcoholic, and the journey began."

Like so many of us, Jean had gotten romantically involved with a charming, fun-lovingman who turned out to be an alcoholic. He followed her to Florida, wherethey shared a vacation condo for a time, and the cycle of pain and chaos began.He got sober, then relapsed—again and again. She propped him up for a while,expecting the next round of sober days to last forever. Eventually he moved on,but before that time, she was guided toward Al-Anon.

STEPPING BACK

One of the first things Jean said to me was that before Al-Anon, she felt shewas on a "brain train," trying to analyze and control every event and outcome.She is aware that for many years, men had been projects for her. When shecouldn't change the man, she would change herself to make the two of them appearmore compatible as a couple. That habit rings true for many of us in Al-Anon.It's one of the classic symptoms of our disease. No matter what circumstance wefind ourselves in, we will try to change it or us to provide the outcome wethink we deserve.

One of the things Jean learned in Al-Anon was detachment, which she describes as"stepping back and leaving room for God to do God's work." Detachment can meanstepping back not only from people, but also from places, things, or activities.Jean shared that she had never known contentment until she decided to quit doingmany of the activities that had consumed her time for years.

Jean has attained balance in her life now—balance coupled with a peacefulnessthat radiates from her. She now works as a personal chef for an elderly couple,and she loves the quiet rhythm of her life. Her creativity has continued toblossom; she simply exhibits it in new ways, such as in how she cares for thecouple, how she prepares meals for them, and how she is nurturing them on thefinal phase of their life's journey. Caring for others deeply from an objectivestance—which is, of course, one way to define detachment—is what she isconstantly practicing.

INSIGHTS

Jean's image of stepping back is a great one to conjure up during those momentswhen we're tempted to take charge of a person or an experience that is clearlyin God's domain. Stepping back allows us to let God take ownership of thesolution. Deciding to leave the situation in God's hands rather than trying tochange it ourselves offers us the same relief that we ask for in the SerenityPrayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change."

One of the best reasons for stepping back or detaching from a person, place, orthing is, as Jean discovered, the quiet contentment that almost immediatelycomes over us. Our minds cannot be on two things at the same time. No matter howorganized we are or how much of a perfectionist we want to be, our minds cannothandle more than one thought in any single moment. When we try to cram in morethan one, our anxiety level rises. Thinking only one thought at a time, and thenoccasionally getting really quiet between thoughts, will profoundly change howwe experience life. We may need to remember to step back many times a day, evenmany times an hour, but the payoff is worth it.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Codependence and the Power of Detachment by Karen Casey. Copyright © 2008 Karen Casey. Excerpted by permission of Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Details zur Ausgabe

• Verlag: Conari Press,U.S.
• Erscheinungsdatum: 2008
• ISBN 10: 1573243620
• ISBN 13: 9781573243629
• Einband: Tapa blanda
• Sprache: Englisch
• Anzahl der Seiten: 176
• Kontakt zum Hersteller: Nicht verfügbar