Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict - Softcover

Robinson, Jonathan

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1573245836 ISBN 13: 9781573245838

Verlag: Conari Press, 2012

Inhaltsangabe

Restore Your Relationship, Enhance Your Marriage

New York Times Bestseller
#1 Bestseller in Marriage & Family, Family Relationships, and Divorce

Cultivate effective communication and a lasting relationship. Communication Miracles for Couples by psychotherapist, popular professional speaker, and bestselling author Jonathan Robinson has helped hundreds of thousands of couples repair their relationships and their marriages. Continuously in print since 1997, Communication Miracles for Couples has sold over 100,000 copies. Whether you are looking to enhance your relationship or want to resolve existing conflict, successful techniques taught by Jonathan Robinson can help you develop effective communication and a lasting relationship with a spouse or partner.

Honeymoon gift, anniversary gift, or just a gift for him or her. Create lasting harmony and keep love alive with Jonathan Robinson's powerful and effective methods for relationship communication. He has reached over 250 million people around the world with his practical methods, and his work has been translated into 47 languages. Learn how to enhance your relationship by learning to communicate with less blame and more understanding.

Find a deeper happiness in your relationship:

• Feel totally loved
• Never argue again
• Have your partner really hear you
• Repair broken trust

If you have read books such as 4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work─Anywhere; The 5 Love Languages; Mindful Relationship Habits; Communication in Marriage; or Couple Skills; you will love what Jonathan Robinson's Communication Miracles for Couples does for your relationship.

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Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Jonathan Robinson is a psychotherapist, a bestselling author of nine books, and a professional speaker from Northern California. His work has appeared in Newsweek, USA Today, and the Los Angeles Times, as well as dozens of other publications. In addition, Mr. Robinson has made numerous appearances on the Oprah Winfrey Show and CNN, as well as other national TV talk shows.

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Communication Miracles for Couples

Easy and Effective Ways to Create More Love and Less Conflict

By Jonathan Robinson

Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC

Copyright © 1997 Jonathan Robinson
All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-57324-583-8

Contents

Introduction
What Is a Communication Miracle?
Part One: Creating Intimacy
1. What We All Want (But Never Ask For)
2. Charming Your Partner's Heart
3. Creating Love Beyond Words
Part Two: Avoiding Fights
4. Would You Rather Be Right or Be Loved?
5. How to Never Argue Again
6. Speaking Your Vulnerable Truth
7. The Best Way to Create Lasting Harmony
Part Three: Solving Problems Without Bruising Egos
8. How to Get Your Partner to Really Hear You
9. How to Get Your Partner to Really Change
10. Negotiating Your Way Past Any Problem
11. Repairing Broken Trust
12. Keeping Love Alive Long-Term
13. Exercises for Communication Mastery
14. Reminder Cards
Acknowledgments

CHAPTER 1

What We All Want (But Never Ask For)

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

—AESOP

In order to get the most out of your car, it helps to know what it needs to operateeffectively. You need to know what fuel and oil it uses, and how to get things fixed whenit's not running right. The same is true for human beings. Luckily, at our core, all humanbeings are pretty much the same. We all want the three As: acknowledgment,appreciation, and acceptance. In fact, the three As are like high-octane gasoline thatmakes the human personality run. They are the essential ingredients that convey lovefrom one person to another. Without them we become defensive and refuse to let anyonein. If you want to have a great relationship, you will first have to satisfy your partner'sneeds for acknowledgment, appreciation, and acceptance. And the more effectively youcan help him feel loved, the more loving he will be toward you.

I've created a metaphor that I find helpful in explaining how the human personality works. Icall it "the self-esteem bank account." I define self-esteem as the degree to which aperson feels good about herself in any given moment. Let's say the average person hasabout ten "dollars" in her self-esteem bank account. When people have only two dollars intheir bank account, they become violent. In newspapers, we read about people who wentberserk when someone simply looked at them the wrong way. These people were at two"dollars" of self-esteem. When people are at zero "dollars" of self-esteem, they often try tokill themselves. With only ten "dollars" of self-esteem, we're highly motivated to not lose orspend any of our meager supply. Yet, the way we tend to go about protecting our accountis almost always ineffective.

When couples are having difficulty, they inevitably blame their partner. Blame is a way oftrying to "take" self-esteem "dollars" from your partner and give them to yourself.Unfortunately, this results in your partner feeling attacked, who then proceeds to blameand insult you in self-defense: "You think I'm selfish, you should look in the mirror. You'rethe one who everyone thinks is selfish!" The cycle goes on. Have you ever been in one ofthese downward spirals? I sure have. It's no fun at all. Neither partner ends up getting thelove and respect they really want.

Even if your partner is very upset, the key to get him to be able to hear you is to give himplenty of acknowledgment, appreciation, and acceptance. The three As are like depositsfor your partner's self-esteem bank account. When you give your mate the three As, hisself-esteem bank "balance" temporarily goes up. As his bank balance goes up, he willnaturally become more loving, more giving, and better able to listen. Therefore, when yourpartner is feeling stressed, the best thing you can do is make a "deposit" into hisselfesteem bank account. Almost like magic, he will become more agreeable toward you.As he is better able to listen to you with love, you'll feel better too. The destructive cyclewill be over.

Bob and Jill came to see me for counseling as a last measure before filing for divorce. Boband Jill were what I call "subtle blamers." They never shouted or called each other names,but the underlying intention was still to "score points" at their partner's expense. Iexplained to them the concept of the self-esteem bank account, but Jill would still makeher subtle, blaming statements. Each time she did, I would stop her and ask, "Do you thinkBob is more or less likely to listen to you after blaming him like that?" It soon becameobvious to Jill why Bob "never listened" to her.

Jill asked me, "Well, how can I get Bob to hear me?" I told her that Bob will need at leastsome funds in his selfesteem bank account before he can risk listening to you. Isuggested she first acknowledge or fully validate Bob's experience of her. Normally, whenBob told her his point of view or how he felt, Jill would say how wrong and ridiculous hewas. This invalidation of Bob's feelings and reality just made him shut down more. So Iasked Jill, "What's the positive intention behind Bob trying to explain his actions to you?"She responded, "He wants to show me how he's right and I'm always wrong." Thisstatement made me aware Jill was lacking funds in her own self-esteem account, sinceshe was feeling blamed. Therefore, I acknowledged and validated her experience. I said,"I understand you feel blamed by him and I bet that doesn't feel very good." Once I hadacknowledged her experience, she was open to hearing what I had to say.

If, in the previous example, I had told Jill she was wrong about Bob's intention, she wouldnot have been open to hearing me. It's a little-known fact that human beings are equippedwith a secret device in their brain called a "blame detector." When anyone tries to blameus or make us wrong, even in the most subtle manner, our blame detector alarm istriggered. When our alarm goes off, it automatically shuts down the ability of our ears tohear whatever anyone says to us. Had I made Jill wrong for what she said, her ears wouldhave shut down, and I would have been wasting my breath to say anything more. Whenpeople have low funds in their self-esteem account, they need to have their version ofthings be acknowledged before they can hear what you have to say. Acknowledging theirview of things is not the same as agreeing with them—or suggesting they're right andyou're wrong. It simply means you validate their personal experience. You accept thatwhat they say is the truth as they see it.

Once I had acknowledged Jill's view of Bob, I repeated the question, "What do you thinkwas Bob's positive intention of explaining his actions to you?" This time she said, "What doyou mean by positive intention?" I explained that a person's positive intention is what theyultimately want from an action they take. Jill thought about it and finally said, "I guess he'sexplaining himself so I will stop blaming him and finally accept him as he is." Bingo! I toldher that what everyone ultimately wants is to feel acknowledged, appreciated, andaccepted, and the more you give these three things to your partner, the more they will givethem to you.

I suggested to Jill that she first accept Bob's version of reality by validating his experience.She did this by stating, "I can see how you've felt blamed by me, and how that must havereally hurt. I'm very sorry you've felt that way." Next, I suggested she communicate exactlywhat she appreciates about her husband when she's not upset with him. As Jill sincerelytold Bob how important he is to her and described things he does that she treasures, hebecame less defensive. He began to get tears in his eyes. Then, Jill proceeded to tell Bobabout the fear and hurt she'd been feeling because they haven't been getting along. Boblistened intently. As Jill finished talking, Bob tearfully reached over to hug his wife. Theyboth apologized for the hurt they had caused each other. The downward spiral that hadbeen going on for months ended in fewer than five minutes. A communication miracle.

Acknowledgment

People often ask me, "What's the difference between acknowledgment, appreciation, andacceptance?" I define acknowledgment as being willing to agree that your partner really ishaving the experience they say they are having. For example, let's say your partner says,"I'm sick and tired of you nagging at me." Perhaps you might respond, "I'm not naggingyou, I'm simply telling you how to clean up properly." This seemingly innocent responsewould likely lead to a juicy disagreement. Why? Because it invalidates your partner'sreality and feelings. From their eyes, you are nagging, and they are really bothered by it.Until you acknowledge their viewpoint and feelings, their ears will be turned off. Byindicating you empathize with their perspective and their feelings, it allows them to beopen to your perspective and your feelings.

In the preceding example, you might acknowledge your partner's words by saying, "Itsounds like you feel I'm constantly nitpicking you. I guess that must really hurt. I'm sorryyou feel that way." Only when your partner feels fully acknowledged (understood) will theybe open to hear your version of things, not before. Therefore, the first thing you should dowhen things get a bit heated on your mate's side is to acknowledge her experience—evenif you think it's crazy. Remember, you don't have to agree with her perspective toacknowledge she has it. You might not have been nagging, but if she feels you have beennagging, that feeling will need to be acknowledged before she will be able to hear you.Acknowledgment creates trust, and the more you validate her experience, the more shewill trust you. Of course, the more you invalidate your partner's reality, the more she willfeel she can't trust you.

I've created a simple way to remember how to acknowledge and validate your partner'sexperience. It's a fillin-the-blank method I call the Acknowledgment Formula:

1. It sounds like (or, It seems) you ...

Paraphrase in a sentence or two what your partner's experience seems to be.

2. That must feel ...

Guess as to how such an experience must feel.

3. I'm sorry you feel ...

Guess as to what they're feeling.

Previously, Jill told me "Bob wants to show me how he's right and I'm always wrong."Rather than disagree with her, I used the Acknowledgment Formula. I said, "It sounds likeyou feel blamed by him, and I bet that doesn't feel very good. I'm really sorry you feel sohurt." That's all that was needed for her to feel I had really heard her. Now she was opento hearing me. As with all "fill-in-the-blank" methods, you need to adapt it in a way thatuses your own words so it sounds sincere. Your partner won't care what you have to sayuntil they feel that you truly care about their feelings. If you use the AcknowledgmentFormula to sincerely better understand your mate, I guarantee that your relationship willbe transformed.

Unfortunately, most of us have had precious little experience in acknowledging our mateor having our own feelings validated by others. Instead of providing acknowledgment,most people immediately try to "fix" their partner when they express their pain—or defendagainst what they said if it seems like a blame statement. Neither approach works. Whenwe're in pain, we first need our experience validated—before we can be interested inhearing ways to fix or solve the situation. That's just how human beings are. Yet, onceyour partner feels you've really heard him (by acknowledging his experience), he'llprobably be very open to hearing whatever you'd like to say.

I often see clients get frustrated when they lovingly offer advice to their mate, only to seetheir partner knock down everything they say. It's not that the solutions being offeredaren't effective; it's simply that the timing is off. People need plenty of empathy andunderstanding before they are receptive to solutions. Have you ever had to deal with athree-year-old who's had her feelings badly hurt? If so, what did you do? You probablydidn't start off telling her what she did wrong and what she should have done. Instead, myguess is you gave her plenty of empathy. To help the child know you cared, you probablysaid how sorry you were she got hurt. You lovingly listened to her tale of woe. Then, onceall her tears were gone, if she seemed receptive, you may have offered some advice forhow to better handle such a situation in the future.

When we're upset, we're just like three-year-olds. We need to know that someoneunderstands how bad we feel. If instead of acknowledgment we are first given advice, wefeel misunderstood. We feel cheated. Yet, once we feel our pain has been sufficientlyvalidated, an opening for new input is created. Depending on your partner, he may needjust a little sympathy and acknowledgment, or a whole lot. The more lovingly you offeryour acknowledgment, the sooner he will be open to other things you'd like to say.

In my opinion, the Acknowledgment Formula is the single most powerful method thatexists for increasing intimacy and decreasing conflict in a relationship. Although it's simplein theory, it can be hard to do in real life. Yet, it's worth the effort. When done with a desireto understand your mate, it consistently creates miracles.

Appreciation

Appreciation is different than acknowledgment. I define appreciation as the art of tellingyour partner what you like about him or her. To get in touch with what you appreciate, youcan simply ask yourself, "What do I like or appreciate about my partner?" By focusing onthat question and occasionally expressing your answers to your sweetheart, it will help tokeep her self-esteem bank balance in abundance. In addition, when difficulties arisebetween the two of you, expressing an appreciation can help your partner let go ofblaming you or being defensive. After all, as her balance goes up, she will become moreable to listen to you.

To make the best use of the art of appreciation, it's best to use it frequently. Just as it doeslittle good to exercise infrequently, it does little good to appreciate your partner just once amonth. The more you appreciate each other, the easier it becomes and the better you'll beat using this simple but underutilized tool for creating intimacy. It's also helpful to makeyour appreciation very specific, precise, and graphic. It's not very effective to express ageneral appreciation such as "I like the fact that you're pleasant." On the other hand, it'svery powerful to say, "I felt so proud of you when you offered to help that man in thewheelchair down those steps. You're always doing little things for me like buying meflowers or leaving me love notes. All those things really warm my heart." Can you sensehow being specific and graphic is much more powerful? Let loose the poet in you toexpress your sincere appreciation to your partner.

In workshops I lead about communication, I show participants two little dolls I boughtcalled Mr. and Mrs. Wonderful. When touched on their belly, each doll delivers effusivewords of appreciation. Mr. Wonderful says such things as, "Thinking of you is the best partof my whole day!" Mrs. Wonderful cheerily remarks, "You're right. We don't needdirections. Maybe we'll find a shortcut." These dolls never fail to get the participantslaughing. When I ask why they laugh, people inevitably state that their partner wouldnever say such things to them. What a shame. A person shouldn't have to buy a doll thatsays the words of appreciation and encouragement we all crave to hear. Even if yourwords sound a bit corny, go ahead and say them. The additional feelings of love youcreate will be well worth it.

Acceptance

Acceptance is the third A, and usually the last one to occur. Acceptance means you loveyour partner just as he is, warts and all. Another term for acceptance is "unconditionallove." Acknowledgment and appreciation are both specific behaviors you can "do" withyour partner, whereas acceptance is a shift in your attitude. In general, parents accept andlove their infants even when they don't like their behavior. It's possible to have the sameunconditional acceptance for your partner. In fact, your partner hungers for it.

I've noticed that many people are afraid to accept their partner unconditionally. They thinkthat such a shift in attitude would lead to their partner walking all over them. Yet, theopposite is true. When people feel fully accepted, they do their very best to make theirpartners happy. After all, they are being supplied with the one food they are most hungryfor. Of course, unconditionally accepting one's partner is not an easy thing to do. We tendto think we'll love someone more once they change in some manner. It's common to think,"If only my mate were nicer, thinner, richer, neater, and so on, then I would really accepthim." The result of this way of being is that your partner never feels fully loved, andtherefore never fully accepts you.

One way to help you accept your partner unconditionally is to learn to "tune into" thepositive intention she has at any given moment. Since people all ultimately want to feelworthwhile and loved, they always have a positive intention behind their behavior. Even ifyour partner says things to hurt you, her positive intention is to increase the self-esteem inher own account—so she can feel worthwhile. You need not tell her you like her actions—becauseyou don't. You need only be aware that, despite how she is acting, she doeshave a positive intention.

A practical way to help you feel acceptance for your partner is to simply ask yourself,"What is the positive intention behind what he (or she) is doing?" When you realize yourpartner is a human being in emotional pain, trying to get back to the feeling of love as besthe knows how, you have the experience of acceptance. It's been said that everythingpeople do is either a loving response or a cry for help. When babies cry for help, it's easyto see their vulnerability and their positive intention (to feel better). Therefore, it's easy tostill love them, even if you don't like their behavior. When our partner "cries" for help bybeing a jerk in some way, it takes a conscious effort to see his positive intention and pain.Yet, if you look for it, it will surely be there. Accepting your partner does not mean that younever get annoyed at him. It merely means that you always love him—despite hisoccasional display of unskillful behavior. The attitude of acceptance is like a powerfulmedicine that heals the souls of both you and your partner.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Communication Miracles for Couples by Jonathan Robinson. Copyright © 1997 Jonathan Robinson. Excerpted by permission of Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Details zur Ausgabe

• Verlag: Conari Press
• Erscheinungsdatum: 2012
• ISBN 10: 1573245836
• ISBN 13: 9781573245838
• Einband: Tapa blanda
• Sprache: Englisch
• Auflage: 3
• Anzahl der Seiten: 174
• Kontakt zum Hersteller: Nicht verfügbar