Your Ex-factor: Overcome Heartbreak & Build a Better Life (Psychology) - Softcover

Poulter, Stephan

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1591027241 ISBN 13: 9781591027249

Verlag: G38-Prometheus, 2009

Inhaltsangabe

Over two-thirds of American families are "blended," which means they are made up of remarried adults and often stepchildren. Although it’s good news that many divorced people remarry, the bad news is that too many of them carry the animosities and negative behavior patterns of their former heartbreaks into their new situation.

In this supportive and uplifting book that is aimed at both men and women, Dr. Stephan B. Poulter—acclaimed author of The Father Factor and The Mother Factor—tackles this pervasive problem with great sensitivity and understanding. Dividing the work into three parts, Dr. Poulter takes the reader step by step from the anguish of divorce to the security of a stronger and more fulfilling future attachment.

In part one, he explains how breakups happen and explores the challenges of dealing with the emotional wreckage, from guilt and anger to feelings of rejection and despair. Part two describes five relationship styles and helps readers develop insight into their own styles so that present and future relationships can grow in a healthy and refreshed atmosphere. In part three he shows ways to go beyond blame, tension, and other "ex-factors" and objectively assess inner needs. As Dr. Poulter shows, the key to forming lasting bonds with another is discovering exactly what one needs to feel loved.

Your Ex-Factor will be a welcome resource to anyone trying to move forward beyond the pain of emotional loss and rediscover the joys of loving again regardless of prior history, circumstances, "old baggage," or fears. This invaluable guide will open your eyes to promote healthy and truly fulfilling relationships now and into the future.

Über diesen Titel

Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Stephan B. Poulter, PhD (Los Angeles, CA), is the author of The Father Factor, The Mother Factor, Your Ex-Factor, and two other books. He has practiced as a clinical psychologist specializing in family relationships for more than twenty-five years. Dr. Poulter lectures widely and appears regularly on radio talk shows and news programs.

Auszug. © Genehmigter Nachdruck. Alle Rechte vorbehalten.

YOUR EX-FACTOR

overcome heartbreak & build a better lifeBy Stephan B. Poulter

Prometheus Books

Copyright © 2009 Stephan B. Poulter
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-59102-724-9

Contents

FOREWORD....................................................................................................13Chapter 1: How Did This Ever Happen? The Process of Breaking Up.............................................19Chapter 2: Emotional Whiplash-Five Stages-The Pain of Being Left............................................45Chapter 3: The Pain of Leaving-The Guilt Syndrome...........................................................73Chapter 4: The Power of Disappointment, Betrayal, and Affairs-How They Break Your Heart.....................97Chapter 5: Picking Up the Pieces-Processing the Damage......................................................127Chapter 6: Which Parent Did I Marry? Lifelong Patterns......................................................151Chapter 7: Rebuilding Your Love Life-Expanding Your Ability to Be Loved.....................................177Chapter 8: Your Relationship Style-Five Styles of Intimacy-Building a New House.............................199Chapter 9: Dating and Picking Your Life Partner-Your Nonnegotiable Factors..................................219Chapter 10: Personal Responsibility-Your New Choices........................................................243Chapter 11: Your Journey into Your New Life.................................................................265ENDNOTES....................................................................................................279BIBLIOGRAPHY................................................................................................285INDEX.......................................................................................................291

Chapter One

HOW DID THIS EVER HAPPEN? The Process of Breaking Up We had had problems for years. She threatened to divorce me on a regular basis. This time Tamara wrote me a letter and demanded I move out. I could have prevented this, but this pattern of coming and going had been our style since we dated. I don't want to lose my family or be a failure. -Matt, age fifty-six, married for twenty-eight years, divorced We dated for seven years. We were engaged for three years and lived together for two, and he left me. I knew we had issues but I always thought we would work them out. We went to therapy and I thought we were making progress. Then I found out Brad had an affair with his personal trainer at the gym. I am still devastated-six months later! -Tracy, age thirty-nine, single and dating again

THE ENDING

Picking up this book will be the beginning of a great journey. The trip will require of you things that you might not expect but that you truly need. It will start with your complete honesty and end with finding within yourself your own personal truth and courage. You picked up this book because you have had an intense relationship crisis, a traumatic breakup, an unforeseen loss, and/or a great disappointment in your adult romantic life. But regardless of how devastated, emotionally betrayed, bitter, angry, hateful of the opposite sex, and hopeless you feel, deep down in your heart you still believe in relationships and their curative nature and power.

Intimate relationships are the gold standard by which we measure success or disappointment in our lives. Business and careers will come and go, but nothing is more timeless than the experience of a solid marriage, a lifelong partner, and a loving relationship. A scholar once said that your life is the summation of all your relationships. I would also like to add it is the ongoing summation of all your intimate love relationships. Regardless of the despair, fear, and disappointment that you have experienced, you can recover your sense of well-being and build a new relationship life that better fits who and what you are today.

Despite the disappointment, embarrassment, and heartbreaking pain, we cannot get away from the fact that love relationships matter. We all know it, and that truth never changes. We never truly stop attempting to re-create deep emotional attachments when relationships end. Ironically, it is in trying to recover and overcome the heartbreak that we often set up the roadblocks that will damage our future love relationships. The underlying problem and crisis in not resolving your ex-factor issues is the "pain" will continue to persist in your life. The key is not to take the prior disappointments and bitterness wrapped up in your relationship with your ex-husband/wife/lover with you into your next intimate relationship. You can't bring your ex-husband on your honeymoon. It will never work. Again, you know this-but how do you stop recycling your pain and disappointment? This question will be repeatedly addressed, examined from all possible perspectives, and answered and explained thoroughly throughout this book. The short answer is that you can stop making the same self-defeating choices; creating the same painful attachments; and getting caught up in the same old patterns of abuse and loveless, codependent romantic connections.

Never before has the concept of the "ex" been so significant to families, children, new marriages, and future partners. According to a November 2007 article appearing in Time magazine, approximately 66 to 70 percent of all American families are some type of blended family combination. Blended families are those in which children live with one biological parent part of the time. Being a blended family has nothing to with marital status but rather the birth parents not living together with their biological or adopted children. Second marriages, two adults cohabituating, stepchildren, no new children, new wives, new husbands, and in-laws are all impacted by this growing social family phenomenon. Overcoming your heartbreak is essential to the possibility of creating future intimate relationships. Divorce or emotional rejection by a lover isn't the death sentence it once was to future intimate relationship potential. Now, emotional despair and disappointment can be catalysts for a more fulfilling relationship future and for creating the type of family that you desire. The emotional and psychological ability to move forward in your life after heartbreak is as important as your physical health. The ending of a relationship isn't the final stop in your romantic adult life, but rather a fork in the road of your life. In today's world, you have romantic choices and new opportunities that once were not even considered possible.

EX-FACTOR FACTS

An article in the January 24, 2008, edition of Time magazine states, "Married people live longer and are healthier throughout those extra (over 62) years; Studies have linked marriage to lower rates of cardiovascular disease, cancer, respiratory disease and mental illness; Marriage helps both spouses cope better with stress, though men benefit more than women." There is no doubt-medically, psychologically, or biologically-that we are wired for emotional attachment and intimate loving relationships. Men typically report the highest levels of satisfaction in long-term relationships. Women report being more emotionally content and less anxious in marriage-type love relationships than women who aren't in such...

Details zur Ausgabe

• Verlag: G38-Prometheus
• Erscheinungsdatum: 2009
• Sprache: Englisch
• ISBN 10: 1591027241
• ISBN 13: 9781591027249
• Einband: Taschenbuch
• Anzahl der Seiten: 306
• Kontakt zum Hersteller: Nicht verfügbar
• Verantwortliche Person: Simon and Schuster Netherlands BV; info@simonandschuster.nl; ; Herculesplein 96; Utrecht; 3584 AA; Niederlande