The Snark Handbook: A Reference Guide to Verbal Sparring (Snark Series) - Softcover

Dorfman, Lawrence

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1602397600 ISBN 13: 9781602397606

Verlag: Skyhorse, 2009

Inhaltsangabe

Snark is everywhere from the school house t to the White House. This lively collection provides hours of snarky entertainment on sex, money, children, movies, and more. Do you have a snarky friend? Buy this for them. Are you snarky? Then buy it for yourself!

At the heart of it, being in a state of snark can be one of the most useful tools at one’s disposal and hence (yes, I used “hence”), a powerful way to get what you want. With snark, you can catch people completely off-guard, and royally piss them off.

Included here is the Snark Hall of Fame, the Best Snarky Responses to Everyday Dumbassness, and much more. The snark here covers:

• Sex and Relationships
• Children
• Work and Money
• Politics and the Media
• Drugs and Drinking
• Movies and Television
• Music and Literature
• And more!

Here is a book that will make you laugh. It’s a book that will make someone else cry. It’s a book every student of the American psyche (that’s all of us, Sparky) needs to have. Let loose. Let your inner anger become a positive rather than a negative, but most of all, have fun. (Yeah, like that’s something you know how to do.)

“Why a handbook, a primer, a guidebook, a whatever? Why not? What are you, the New York Times Book Review? Because…that’s why. I know we’ve got All Franken, Jim Norton, Denis Leary, and Lewis Black—all leading champions of nsark—but those guys down’t look at the origins, at the history, of this fine and playful way of life. Within these pages are examples of snark that stretch back generations, that run the gamut from hilarity to satire.”

Über diesen Titel

Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Lawrence Dorfman has more than thirty years of experience in the bookselling world, including stints at Simon and Schuster, Penguin, and Harry N. Abrams. He is the author of the Snark Handbook series including The Snark Handbook: Politics and Government Edition, The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition; The Snark Handbook: Sex Edition, Snark! The Herald Angels Sing, and The Snark Handbook: Clichés Edition. He lives in Connecticut.

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The Snark Handbook

A Reference Guide to Verbal SparringBy Lawrence Dorfman

Skyhorse Publishing

Copyright © 2009 Lawrence Dorfman
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-60239-760-6

Contents

Preface................................................ixIntroduction...........................................3Sex....................................................9Relationships..........................................19Children...............................................33Work...................................................41Money and the Economy..................................57Politics and the Media.................................65Drugs, Drinking, and the Law...........................77Movies.................................................89Television.............................................103Literature.............................................109Music..................................................119Sports.................................................127Religion...............................................137Death and Dying........................................143Appendix: Ready-Made Snark and DIY.....................153Afterword..............................................165Acknowledgments........................................167

Chapter One

Sex

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's a pretty good one. -WOODY ALLEN

Sex is always a weird but fun place to start. We all want it, we all need it, we all gotta have it ... but we usually don't get it. At least not as much as we think we should. So let's snark instead. But be careful here. Nothing kills the mood for sex like a misplaced snark. Really. I wouldn't lie to you. And to prove it, here's some classic sex snark.

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither. -STEVE MARTIN

* * *

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." -ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

* * *

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. -MAE WEST

* * *

A guy, tells his psychiatrist: "It was terrible. I was away on business, and I e-mailed my wife that I'd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don't get it. How could she do tills to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn't see the e-mail."

* * *

The good thing about masturbation is you don't have to dress up for it. -TRUMAN CAPOTE

Don't knock masturbation-it's sex with someone I love. -WOODY ALLEN

* * *

It is better to copulate than never. -ROBERT HEINLEIN

Lines Men Use

* All those curves, and me with no brakes. * Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway. * Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. * Let's be naughty and save Santa a trip. * You'r so fine, you make me want to go out and get a job. * My magical watch says you aren't wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty. -WOODY ALLEN

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. -DOROTHY PARKER

* * *

A man enters his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with another man.

"What are you doing?!?" he yells.

"See?" the wife says to her lover. "Did I say he was stupid or what?!"

* * *

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken. -ERICA JONG

* * *

I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic and the others give me a stiff neck or lockjaw. -TALLULAH BANKHEAD

* * *

Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A: It changes their blood type. Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? A: Say, "Nice dick."

* * *

There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible. -P.J. O'ROURKE

* * *

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn. -MADONNA

* * *

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

* * *

God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. -ROBIN WILLIAMS

* * *

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. -JACKIE MASON

* * *

Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. -GEORGE BURNS

* * *

Sex is nobody's business except the three people involved.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight don't matter. -HENRY MILLER

* * * I practice safe sex. I use an airbag. -GARRY SHANDLING

* * *

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees. -JOAN RIVERS

* * *

I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anticlimax. -SCOTT ROEBEN

* * *

I once made love to a female clown-she twisted my penis into a poodle. -DAN WHITNEY

* * *

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. -LES DAWSON

* * *

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early. -JACK BENNY

* * *

Vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry. -LARRY ADLER

Excuses to Get Out of a Date

* I'm teaching my dog to yodel. * I prefer to remain an enigma. Or a conundrum. I forget which. * Sorry, I'm trying to finish He's Just Not That Into You. * My friend is on The Bachelor (or The Bachelorette) and I promised to stay single during the show in case they needed someone new. * I don't think you can afford the lifestyle I'd become accustomed to. * I'm so sorry but my shrink doesn't think you sound right for me. * Drinks are a bad idea; I have an AA appointment that...

Details zur Ausgabe

• Verlag: Skyhorse
• Erscheinungsdatum: 2009
• Sprache: Englisch
• ISBN 10: 1602397600
• ISBN 13: 9781602397606
• Einband: Taschenbuch
• Anzahl der Seiten: 192
• Kontakt zum Hersteller: SKYHORSE; https://www.skyhorsepublishing.com/; ; 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor; New York; NY; 10018; USA
• Verantwortliche Person: Nicht verfügbar