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Chapter One
ONE
I wasn’t always crazy, but I was never sane.
I learned this the hard way, of course, and as with all the best lessons, I understood it too late to heed it. What should I have done? Could I have changed things? The questions don’t so much swirl around my mind as circle the drain of my sanity. Which leads to another question: Would knowing what I know now have helped me at the beginning?
Maybe by the end you’ll be able to answer that.
You better hope you can.
I’m no longer scared, which is a first. I’ve spent my whole life afraid: of the world, of pain, of fear itself. Fear has been my lifelong companion, the friend I didn’t want but who never took the hint. In that way, it was my one true friend, my most loyal friend, yet now even that friend has deserted me.
I can’t say I’m at peace—the mad can never rest—but I’m content as the end draws near. I’m content because I now understand what I can do. What I should do. A final good deed. One for the road, so to speak. This, what you’re reading now, is that good deed.
You’re welcome.
But let’s not be any more morose than we need to be so early on when there’s plenty of misery to come. Let’s start with a celebration instead, a party. They’re fun, right? I’ll tell you about my birthday.
Not the most recent one. I don’t want to overburden you before you’re ready. Besides, you don’t need to know that I didn’t even notice when the clock struck midnight or that I spent the hours that followed lost in my work, in my research. Too busy to see, too determined to listen. Too focused on trying to stay alive. So there’s no point starting there.
Stay tuned for more of that fateful day later.
No, I’ll begin by telling you about the last birthday I enjoyed, the last birthday that meant something. It meant so much in so many ways.
Ready? Here comes the flashback:
Steve said, “I don’t expect you to listen to us.”
Jenny said, “But you really should.”
I wasn’t listening because my heart was racing as I tried to make sure I had everything. The holy trinity: money, makeup, and medication.
My parents were exchanging looks and gestures. A whole silent language at work. I could see them out of the corner of my eye as I checked the contents of my bag. I felt like I was forgetting something, but I was so out of practice socializing I didn’t really know what I should be taking with me. My first house party at eighteen years old.
“You’re going to be freezing,” Steve said.
“I’ll be outside for like a minute tops.”
“If you take a coat, you can take it off. You can’t put one on if you don’t have one.”
“I have a jacket.”
He gave a sort of snorting huff. “If it doesn’t cover your behind—”
“Leave it behind,” I finish, rolling my eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I know.”
“Don’t ‘yeah, yeah’ me. I’m only trying to—”
“I think you look lovely, dear,” Jenny interrupted, her soothing hand finding Steve’s arm.
I didn’t respond because I didn’t like all this talk about what I was wearing. I was self-conscious enough as it was and terrified my clothes were just as lame as I thought. Missing so much high school meant I didn’t know the rules. There was only so much magazines could teach me about the outside world.
Jenny brushed a stray hair from my shoulder. “Your father doesn’t remember what it was like to be your age because he was born a grumpy old man. At the hospital they skipped the neonatal ward and took him straight to geriatrics.”
She smiled, pleased with herself. She was on her second glass of wine already. Steve made a throaty grumble of displeasure Jenny’s way, which seemed to give her a small measure of extra satisfaction. I guessed the pills were starting to kick in given the glassy sheen to her eyes. I was glad she was feeling upbeat.
In the past they would have laughed, perhaps Jenny continuing the gentle mockery for a few more barbs as Steve stumbled over his words to defend himself. No doubt I would have joined in the fun, and Maya, too, the three girls in his life ganging up and taking turns to tease him, the big cave bear. And he, in response, probably chasing us around the house as we squealed and screamed while he bellowed threats to make us pay by way of raspberries, noogies, or the dreaded wet willies.
I realized they had both fallen silent for a moment like me, as if the three of us were all thinking the same thing at the same time, momentarily lost in the identical, impossible fantasy.
Steve was first to return to reality. “Regardless of what your mother says, I do remember what it was like at your age. I remember the pressure to fit in with my friends.” He was speaking in a soft tone because he wanted me to listen to his words as if he were a peer, not a father. “When everyone else is doing something, it’s incredibly hard not to go along with it too.”
Even before, Steve had been the worrier of the two. Tonight was my first night out in forever, and it was almost like I could hear each of his thundering heartbeats. He knew once I stepped through the front door he could no longer protect me.
Jenny didn’t add to his comment, but I knew the D-word was in her thoughts too.
No, not
that D. Get your mind out of the gutter.
“I’m not going to take drugs,” I told them both. “Seriously, it makes like zero sense when I have a nightstand full of them already.”
Steve’s little speech was because ecstasy was in the headlines again as the go-to tabloid bogeyman. They were concerned because they’d read horror stories of supposedly quiet, ordinary teens suddenly turning into addicts or dying at raves, boiled in their own body heat. I didn’t get why anyone would want to go to those things, take pills bought from strangers with crazy eyes, and dance all night to such awful, soulless music.
“The last thing I want to do is swallow even more pills.”
There was frustration in my voice, but I couldn’t get angry with them. I didn’t want to lose them either. I was forever telling Steve to cook with less oil. I was always telling Jenny to slow down with the wine. We were holding on to each other so tightly we didn’t realize all three of us were asphyxiating under that unbearable pressure.
I know now they were more scared than I acknowledged at the time. Steve was doing everything possible to resist asking me to please stay home. It wasn’t a coincidence that Jenny was on that early second glass of wine. I think they were always scared. I think they were so used to hiding what they really felt that I wonder now if they ever showed me their true selves. I never truly recognized their pain because I was too distracted trying to cope with my own.
Grief is selfish like that.
I’d spent my middle teen years in more hospitals than classrooms, with more doctors than teachers, talking to more therapists than school friends. I could barely recall the time before that, so as I was about to leave the house, it felt like I’d been waiting my entire life to start finally living.
Not my...