Scaredy Kat - Softcover

Timothy Morrison Ed.D.

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1934035696 ISBN 13: 9781934035696

Verlag: Trent's Prints and Publishing, 2009

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This book is a testament to the fact that I have emerged from a debilitating, crippled state that immobilized me well into my forties. I had gone through every imaginable type of drug and psychotherapy, including electroconvulsive shock (ECT) in a mental institution on my 27th birthday. Where I live today is a different place than the one I lived in before. It is an altered consciousness from the weird, strange, frightening, despairing place that was my life for forty years. I never remembered anything but fear and terror shrouded in black depression. This book is not about recovery, but discovery, from mental illness. To recover would infer that at some point there was a normalcy to my life. An inference that there was a time I could RE-turn to and RE-sume a life with no illness. Never happened. This book is about a conscious effort to dismantle a living nightmare; a theoretical premise that consisted of trial and error that resulted in a tiny fragment of reality. Each piece of reality was a totally new experience. I didn't RE-anything. I lived from my earliest memory at three years-old to the age of fifteen in a shell of panic, anxiety, and terror. From the time I was fifteen to about the age of forty, I wished at some point during the day that I was dead. I lived most of this time wishing something would simply snuff my life out so I did not have to suffer this excruciating psychic, emotional pain every day. I didn't want to die every other day or every two weeks or once a month. This pervasive feeling of cesspool futility never left. I mean every minute of every day. If there was a God, I prayed that He would take me and spare someone in a cancer ward who would enjoy a life filled with a feeling of...? How about just feeling? I was numb. When I heard of people cutting themselves simply to feel something, I immediately knew why. I had no idea why I felt the way I did. I was very talented in sports and music among other things. I was funny and entertaining. It appeared that I had it all yet no one knew the horror behind the slick togetherness I tried so hard to exude. I was a miserable failure at it yet fooled enough people to get through to the next five minutes. This book is a celebration, a potential finally realized. A peace attained because of an attachment to reality after having living detached for most of my life drowning in obsessions, compulsions, and shocking hallucinations. Having a relationship with my parents that I cherish every day. Having had a year and a-half with my now deceased brother before he died. Every day is something new to this fifty-three year old child. I am grateful that I survived this. Many acquaintances fell by the way of suicide. This is in no way a bloated, egotistical account of a fabricated legacy I wish to tell anyone about. When I was screaming and crying on the phone at yet another psychiatrist to please help me during the Christmas of 1997, I vowed to my helpless parents that if I ever got out of this hellish abyss I would try and help those people and their clueless families as to what to do with someone who is mentally ill like I was. An accumulation of forty years of hopeless futility that consisted of a myriad of numerous psychiatric maladies would not be in vain. I will tell you exactly what it was like, what I did, and how my life is now. I am grateful to my parents who stood by as their son disappeared into the chasm of mental illness. They never left me. Without them, I wouldn t be here. It is my hope that this book helps those bewildered souls whose minds are not their own. I hope it helps those around the afflicted who are dumbfounded by the surreal hopelessness and despair of the nightmare that swirls around them. Hope is a priceless commodity in the face of overwhelming odds. This is my story.

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