CHAPTER 1
Aging and the Elderly Humor
WHO DID THE SHOOTING?
An 80 year-old man goes to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asks him how he is feeling.
The man says, "Things are great. In fact, I've never felt better. I've got a 20 year-old bride and she's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor is quiet for a moment, and then says, "I have an older friend, a lot like you. He's an avid hunter. Never misses a season. One day he set off into the woods to pick up some game. He was in a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large deer standing at the water's edge."
"He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature," says the doctor, "but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle and yelled, "Bang! Bang! Bang!" Miraculously, three shots rang out and the deer fell over dead. Now, What do you think about that?"
The old guy says, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that deer."
The doctor says, "My point precisely!"
AGING - SOME THOUGHTS
- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
- Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
- It's not hard to meet expenses - they're everywhere.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter ... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
- Unable to remember if I have mailed this to you or not.
THE THREE SISTERS
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knocking on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's go have a beer."
THE 80 YEAR OLD COUPLE
An 80-year-old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor's office they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down. I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
CREATIVE THINKING IN THE ELDERLY
An elderly man in Alabama had owned a large farm for several years. He had a beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the road, and he'd fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and he'd planted some nice flowers and fruit trees next to the pond.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn't been down there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw that 5 young women had parked their car at the side of the road, climbed the fence and were skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went hurriedly splashing to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're naked and we're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and yelled back, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."
SUPERSEX
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex!" She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex!" He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
GRANDMA'S IDEA
A young man goes to visit his grandparents.
When he arrives he notices his granddad sitting on the porch in a rocking chair,...
