CHAPTER 1
The Judgemental K(not)sthat Limit the Flow
When we experience judgemental thoughts, they indicatethat some aspects of our current situation are not inaccordance with our authentic flow of energy and naturalease. In particular, the brain—or specifically, our thinking—isthe origin of these stories. I'll explore a type of culturalmentality I call "blame-game programming" and show howit assists in depressing and repressing our emotions throughthe reinforcement of judgemental thoughts that locate blameon someone (yourself or others). I call these sophisticatedmental stories about events and/or people "k(not)s."
These stories are like recorded responses that replay inour minds, telling us that certain people, events, or evenour own behaviours are reasons we're not happy. Haveyou noticed patterns in the stories that keep coming up inyour mind? In this chapter, we're going to explore the linkbetween our thinking, our perceptions of the world, and theway the world may actually exist.
Please read the following statements and ask if you'veever said them to yourself (perhaps with slightly differentwording) and if you believe that they are true: My life(or aspects of my world) should not be like this. I am notpowerful enough to create my life the way I choose. I cannottrust my world, and so I must control it.
I used to believe that all of these statements were trueto varying degrees, although I didn't realise it until I wasin my mid-forties. When I came to this realization, I beganto wonder why I thought this way and how I'd come tobelieve in these three key assumptions about life so strongly.I now realise that I grew up in a culture that reinforces thebelief that the world is a limited place where the lucky fewhave access to more than enough and the majority muststruggle to get a share of what's left. And if we don't getour fair share, then it's someone's fault! I call this culturalmindset "blame-game" mental programming, because it isbased upon a judgemental view that seeks to place blame onsomeone or something for what appears to be wrong in ourlives. A blame-game culture is characterised by a viewpointthat if life is not working out the way we want it to, thenthere is wrongness in the world, and we seek to locate wherethe blame is to be placed.
At first glance, the world view we have developedappears to be our normal reality; therefore, we are proneto feeling uncomfortable when confronted with the ideathat our so-called reality is actually a cultural construct.Indeed, the way we think about the world is so ingrainedin our perceptions that we believe our construct representsthe world as it actually exists. In fact, it may not be possibleto agree on an objective reality, as we will discuss in laterchapters.
Notice how our newspapers, radio, and televisionprograms tell us who is to blame on a regular basis andhow many of our conversations focus on our judgementsabout particular people or situations. In fact, we often alignourselves with other people primarily because we share asimilar view of the world with them; this is a tribal viewthat says we feel most comfortable with those who agreewith our judgements.
How does blame-game programming limit our beliefsand therefore restrict our authenticity? This is a subtle issuethat I will explain in more depth throughout the book, butessentially, it creates a sense of limitation within ourselves—inthat we are not enough and lack in one way or another—andtherefore we must seek ways to increase our sense of powerand worth. My parents raised me in an environment thatsupported this blame-game view; everything—includinglove—was anything but abundant. Rather, it was limited.
To have a part of the American pie (yes, I'm Americanby birth), I needed to do the right thing and be judged asworthy. If I didn't feel worthy, there had to be a cause toblame: myself, my family, or perhaps even my world in itsentirety. I struggled with feeling that I wasn't good enoughfor many years. I tried to find the job, partner, or lifestylethat would allow me to feel loved and accepted. SomehowI just couldn't feel loved even when I did have a partner orfeel worthy even when I did have a job. What prevented mefrom really knowing that I was fine just as I was? And didothers feel the same way, or was it just me who was somehowinsufficient and insecure?
I had a breakdown before I had the breakthrough thatwould save my life. Afterwards, I started to piece togetherthe evidence and work out why my world had shattered soviolently. The answer that I eventually came up with wasshocking. It was my thinking; it had entirely shaped the wayI felt about my life. It was not a consequence of difficult earlyexperiences within my family, my health, my universityeducation or being born as a white woman in a Westernculture. All of these did contribute to the mental view I hadbuilt up about the world, but at the heart of it all, there wasa fundamental, core world view that secretly shaped how Isaw myself and my relationship with the world.
The blame-game cultural program that I uncovered in mythinking process reinforced pernicious stories in my mind. Itfunctions by making out that objects outside of us or our owninnate deficiencies block the flow of love, joy, and abundance.This type of thought program or pattern of thinking createsa distinctive way for us to view ourselves; it dictates how wespeak to one another, how we act in the world, and evenwhat we expect from the world around us. The program is sointrinsically woven into our lives that we can't easily separateourselves from it. Because blame-game mental programminglimits who we think we are, it keeps us living in fear throughthe application of our judgemental stories.
Another way to view the three statements is as k(not)s:"My life is not ... because ..." "I am not ... because ...""The world is not ... because ..."
We often say these words to ourselves or out loud toothers. Do we realise how many times a day we say suchthings—hundreds, perhaps? I call these kinds of statements"blame-game k(not)s," because when we judge ourselves,other people, or the world, we operate from a blame-gameview. That view ties our natural connections to the flow ofour authentic beings in knots. We literally reverse the flowwhen we say words that limit who we are and what...
