SEPARATION BEGINS

Child Questions Synaptic abundance "Why" births Y Discernment divides Longing begins Return me.

Background

Some early memories of my parents when we lived in Dallas, Texas, come easily and are indicative of the times (1943-1952).

Dad worked as an electrical engineer for the petroleum industry inventing ways to find oil. He would go on trips to search for new oil sites. I remember giving him a big hug to welcome him home from such a trip, but I had mumps at the time and knew nothing of transmittable diseases. I learned by the next day or so what those big words meant when I saw that Dad's puffy face looked like mine. I remember riding on Dad's shoulders during a Texas-size lightning-and-thunder storm. I held on tightly as he took me to the garage with the big door open so I could safely watch and listen to the storm and overcome my fear. I remember watching in horror as he beheaded the chickens we raised for dinner. Mostly, I remember his workshop, where he spent many hours doing strange things with strange tools on strange-looking devices.

Mother was a housewife with three children. She de-feathered and cooked those headless chickens, taught me the dangers of putting a knife in the toaster to get out the stuck toast, and let me lick chocolate chip cookie dough off the beater blades. I would help her hang the washed clothes out on the drying line or find the hamster when it got out of its cage. Mostly, I remember her keeping my school uniforms cleaned and pressed, driving me to the Catholic school, making my first communion dress, and helping me practice my catechism lessons.

I believe I was around six years old when I had two events that changed my awareness about the world: I became aware of human creativity from a television set, and I became aware of infinity from my catechism.

The Television-Set Awakening

I had been taught that "in the beginning" (of what, I wasn't sure), God created everything. I had taken it very literally. I thought I was in school to learn what was already created. In fact, that was true in the beginning of my education, when the school focus was on reading, writing, arithmetic, and recess — although I doubt I believed God had created the latter.

One day in the late 1940s, I walked into Dad's workshop and saw a wooden box with an eight-inch square cut out of the front. Something glass filled the hole. Most of the time, the front glass had an image of circles, lines, and an Indian head. Dad spent hours either adjusting knobs to make the image very clear or working with his hands inside the back of the box. He seemed to be having fun, but I thought it was boring and preferred to spend my time hunting for tadpoles and turtles at a nearby creek. Then one day, I passed by the front glass in the box and saw a man walking in a funny way making funny faces while music played along. It turned out to be Charlie Chaplin.

It was then that I asked Dad, "What is this box?"

He told me, "It's a television set, a TV. We will be able to see pictures and hear sounds from it, sometimes from places far away from home. Many people worked many years to invent it. This is one of the first ones available to buy."

I left his workshop very puzzled because I thought all things were already created. How could there be this brand-new thing? Surely God hadn't just made it and put it here! Dad said humans had created it over years. I thought, If humans can create TVs, then they can create other things. Humans could invent new devices! I may have looked around the house and realized the toaster and electric beater in the kitchen were in the same category: invented! I wondered if this was what Dad had been doing in his workshop all this time. I reasoned that if things could be invented or created by humans, then I myself could become an inventor or creator of new things when I grew up. There could be many new things in the world in the future. My imagination had a curtain of misinformation ripped away! I was very excited!

The Catechism Awakening

One time, I started to think about what "forever and ever" really meant. It appeared frequently in catechism answers and at the end of almost all prayers. I thought, Just how long is that, anyway? I lay on my bed, shut my eyes, and tried to imagine myself in heaven, a place where "forever and ever" occurred. What would it be like? I assumed there were still days and nights, and I had been told about angels, clouds, and singing, but not much more.

I imagined that on the first day, I would sing songs with the angels; the next day, I would jump from cloud to cloud; the third day, I would dance around with an angel; the fourth day, I would listen to a harp; and so it went. Then I ran out of ideas of what to do, so I had to imagine repeating these entertainments, and repeating, and repeating, and repeating. It finally struck me that "forever and ever" really meant it would go on and on and on! It would never stop — never! I didn't know the word ITL8ITL at that time, but the concept was there. My child brain couldn't process this concept, and I got very scared, jumped out of bed, and ran to Mother. I told her, "I was trying to figure out 'forever and ever,' but I can't do it, and I'm scared." I don't remember what specifically she said, but she let me snuggle up to her and diverted my attention by talking of other finite things.

I thought it best if I never again tried to figure out how long "forever and ever" was. I had never experienced an idea that my mind could not at all grasp. It seemed to send my mind into a whirl. Perhaps I feared the whirling would continue "forever and ever."

Initial Separation

These two childhood experiences represented new ways of thinking and approaching my world at an early age. I view them in retrospect as an introduction to two paths of knowledge. They illustrate the beginning of my internal separation into two contrasting activities: one related to creative thinking, the other to spiritual beliefs. When I was a child, my understanding was very simple. No doubt I noticed their primary events occurred in different locations: school or church. For one, I sat at a desk; for the other, I knelt. I might have used words such as learning and praying instead of science and religion. I doubt I was aware that each used different methods of gathering and processing information. Everything indicated that these...