There are two common parenting styles with defined negative effects at two extremes: rigid and chaotic. Rigid parenting involves excessive rules, narrow expectations from parents for their children, and unreasonable punishments. Children raised in these conditions become adults who frequently suffer from anxiety, OCD, and perfectionism. They are often defensive and reactive, seeking out acceptance and approval from others In contrast, chaotic parenting offers few to no rules, allowing children to do whatever they want without boundaries or consequences and failing to help them discover their strengths and capabilities. These children become adults who have identity issues, codependency, and poor boundaries. Their relationships often focus on becoming what they think others want them to be. By uncovering what kind of parenting you received, you can better understand who you are and why you do the things you do and be able to determine what changes you would like to make. Becoming a healthy person is about being the person God intended you to be. This guide can help you take the steps necessary to becoming that person.

How You Became You (And Why You Do the Things You Do)

How Abusive Parenting Styles Debilitate ChildrenBy Judy R. De Wit

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2012 Judy R. De Wit
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4759-2677-4

Contents

Acknowledgments...............................................................viiNote from the Author..........................................................ixIntroduction..................................................................xiPart 1 Rigid Parenting Style..................................................1Chapter 1 Growing Up under Rigid Parenting....................................3Chapter 2 What the Rigid Parenting Approach Looks Like........................7Chapter 3 The Effects of Rigid Parenting......................................15Chapter 4 Stories of Rigid Parenting Approach.................................25Part 2 Chaotic Parenting Style................................................31Chapter 5 Growing Up under Chaotic Parenting..................................33Chapter 6 What the Chaotic Parenting Approach Looks Like......................37Chapter 7 The Effects of Chaotic Parenting....................................43Chapter 8 Stories of Chaotic Parenting Approach...............................51Part 3 Healthy Parenting Style................................................57Chapter 9 Growing Up with Healthy Parenting...................................59Chapter 10 What the Healthy Parenting Approach Looks Like.....................61Chapter 11 The Effects of Healthy Parenting...................................71Chapter 12 Stories of Healthy Parenting Approach..............................81Conclusion....................................................................87Chapter 13 How You Became You.................................................89References....................................................................95

Chapter One

Growing Up under Rigid Parenting

Honor your father and your mother. –Eph. 6:2

She was depressed and anxious and was now in tears.

Confronted by her therapist to speak the truth, Lou fell silent. All along she had struggled inside about whether to tell her therapist her real thoughts and feelings about her parents and her growing-up years. She had never told others or admitted to herself what those years were about because she was taught that speaking badly about her parents was disrespectful to them. Until now.

There were many rules. There were rules about her dress, rules about her behavior, rules about how to behave, rules about respecting authority, and rules about what to say and not say. There were rules about what she could and couldn't do on Sunday, rules about obeying her Sunday school teacher, and rules about what God wanted little girls to be like. There were rules about cleaning her room, doing the dishes, and how best to vacuum the living room. She was expected to clean out the garage on Saturday, help her dad with the lawn in the summer, and babysit her sister when her mom and dad were gone. Sadly, all she could remember was that there were a lot of rules.

Her dad and mom were strict. There were punishments and scoldings when she didn't do as she was told. She remembered having to stay in her room for the day because she forgot to feed the dog. Another time her dad made her rewash all the dishes because one of them wasn't clean enough. Once when her bed wasn't made up right, her mom removed the bed from her room for the night. She slept on the floor instead.

There were punishments. She and her brothers were beaten and hit with a stick or a belt. She had bruises on her legs and her brothers had bruises on their arms. She feared that if her dad became angry, he would throw something at her. If she was bad, she knew that if her mom reported to her dad what had happened, things would be even worse when he got home.

She remembered her parents calling her names—like stupid, lazy, and moron. If she did something wrong, her mom would tell her grandma and then her grandpa and grandma would also discipline her and make fun of her for what she'd done.

Then there was school. Lou's parents expected As. Lou said that if she got a B on her report card, she was grounded for a week. She worked hard at learning how to play the clarinet, but her dad and mom said it wasn't good enough. She remembered giving a speech for a speech contest. Later, her dad made fun of her and told her that she shouldn't ever give speeches again. She went to her room and cried. A short time later, Lou's dad came into her bedroom and told her to stop crying like a baby.

When she was old enough to date, her boyfriends were never good enough for her dad. He was critical of them and said they were dumb and worthless. Lou and her dad often ended up fighting over the boys she dated. As time went along, Lou learned how to work around her dad. She did late-night sneak-outs or said she was going over to a friend's house when her dad asked where she was going. She was tired of his rules and was determined to do the things she wanted to do.

Lou was pregnant at age seventeen. Her dad and mom were furious when she told them. Hurt by the way they responded, she left to live with her boyfriend. She managed to balance having a baby and going to school. Eventually she married the child's father.

Things were never good enough for Lou's parents. It was never right. However hard she tried to be perfect, it wasn't good enough. And her parents made sure Lou knew that.

As she finished up the session, her face was wet with tears. For the first time in her life, she was honest with herself. She felt like a burden was lifted, and she realized how much her past had hurt her. When exiting the room, she turned to her therapist and said, "I cannot honor my father and my mother without first being honest with God and myself about what my childhood was like."

Chapter Two

What the Rigid Parenting Approach Looks Like

Fathers, do not embitter your children. –Col. 3:21

What is rigid parenting?

Rigid parenting is a parenting style that is driven by excessive rules and the use of anger to control and belittle children. Parents who practice this style of parenting demand perfection from their children, send messages that they don't measure up, and use high levels of criticism.

What does rigid parenting look like?

"It's never good enough." That is what rigid parenting is based on. Characteristics of rigid parents include

• blame;

• shame;

• guilt;

• anger;

• undermining decisions;

• narrow expectations/rigid boundaries;

• telling children how to think and feel;

• criticizing appearances;

• conditional love;

• threats;

• possessiveness and jealousy of children;

• the "know-it-all" syndrome;

• withholding acceptance and approval;

• creating a false self;

• physical and emotional abuse.

Let's take a closer look at rigid parenting.

Blame

Controlling parents blame. They blame their children or anyone else that is nearby for things that go wrong, even when it's not their fault. In the context of the family, these parents use statements such as "You weren't thinking," "You should have," "You never," and "You always." Children receiving the blame for things they didn't do come to believe it is their fault. And then they come to believe they are the problem.

Shame

When parents shame their...