If you're an adolescent dealing with depression, anxiety, substance abuse, or suicidal thoughts, you know all about living behind a mask. In Behind the Mask, author Dennis Rozema helps you let go of the mask, reveal your true self, and become the person you were born to be. Using personal examples from his work as a former high school counselor and adolescent therapist, Rozema helps teens (and those trying to help teens) understand the issues troubled youths face. Behind the Mask examines the following: ¿ Three of the masks teens wear ¿ The despair that lies behind the mask ¿ Emotions and behaviors that fuel that despair ¿ The relationship of the mask to addictions ¿ The importance of love and trust, and how they can lead to recovery ¿ Steps to make recovery possible Behind the Mask shares the personal experiences of adolescents and offers quotes from real journals to illustrate how teenagers minds' work. It provides information for young people to throw off their masks and live happier, more fulfilling lives.

Behind THE MASK

Adolescents in HidingBy Dennis Rozema

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2011 Dennis Rozema
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4502-8357-1

Contents

Preface......................................................................................................xiAcknowledgments..............................................................................................xviiHurt Where It All Started...................................................................................3Anger Lies between Hurt and Depression......................................................................6Depression Spiraling Down...................................................................................13Alcohol and Drug Use It Feels Right for a While, But It Only Makes Everything Worse.........................22Fear Formed in the Past, Living in the Present..............................................................31The Loss of Love Perception Is More Important than Reality..................................................37Choosing Life Instead of Choosing Death.....................................................................40Confusion Starting Recovery.................................................................................49Trust It's Their First Step.................................................................................54Awareness Learning To Think a New Way.......................................................................57Letting Go of the Mask With Love and Forgiveness, There Is a Light That Erases the Mask.....................60Recovery It Is a New Beginning, Not the End.................................................................64Afterword....................................................................................................73Discussion Guide For Behind The Mask.........................................................................79

Chapter One

HURT Where It All Started

"It hurts so much when all you want is someone to care that you're crying hysterically, helplessly, that your life is a mess, and they don't. All I want is someone to care."

The mask didn't just show up one day. It grew over time. It may have developed over a short time, or it may have taken years, but it started growing in the past. And it usually started because of some kind of hurt that was experienced. There are a lot of ways to be hurt, but if the adolescent doesn't deal with that hurt, the result is the same. She ends up with pain so deep that it makes her want to hide. Hiding seems necessary at the time, and the best way to hide and still appear to be okay is to hide her hurt behind a mask.

When someone is hurt, is in pain, or has experienced trauma, she eventually feels anger. The anger is there because she has not expressed the pain. When you just think about it on a small scale, it becomes obvious how this works. If someone has his new bike stolen when he is five, he cries. He may even get angry. But if he never cries and holds it all in, his anger would eventually grow. As more hurt happens, which it does for all of us, he learns to just keep hiding it. As he grows older and deals with larger hurts, he has to either let it go or form the mask that hides it. The larger the hurt, the more important it seems to hide it.

Many people experience trauma in their lives. If someone has learned to hide his feelings, it is because the trauma he experienced becomes something important to hide. I have known kids who have completely fallen apart because their girlfriend or boyfriend of two weeks broke up with them. At other times, I have known kids who have suffered through unimaginable difficulties and had the skills to deal with it well. It is not the people on the outside of an event that determine it was traumatic; it is the person who experiences it that makes that determination.

Trauma and other hurt come in a lot of forms, and it builds on itself. Experiencing a painful event causes pain. Thinking in negative ways about the event and its pain leads to feeling anger. The troubled adolescent can hide the anger and hurt or act it out. Acting out the anger inappropriately causes more negative events, which cause more pain, and on and on it goes. Hiding the hurt leads to the cheerful or neutral mask. Acting the anger out creates the angry, defiant mask. How the adolescent thinks about and perceives events is the key to understanding and learning to let go of the mask. I will talk a lot about thinking later in the book. Some examples of trauma, hurt, and pain and the thinking that goes with them are quoted below.

"I've kissed two cousins and have slept with my brother. I was between 8 and 10 years old. Gosh, I've been waiting to say that out loud for so so so long. One time, we made a tent under the ping-pong table, and another time, we did it in one of our box forts. Wow. The more I write, the angrier I get. Who teaches this shit?" "Everything good is so temporary, and all the shit, the bad stuff, is permanent. It hurts so much when all you want is someone to care that you're crying hysterically, helplessly, that your life is a mess, and they don't. All I want is someone to care." "I can't stop thinking about her. I have to accept that she is no longer here, but I can't. I can't let her go. The more I think, the harder it gets, but I can't stop. What's wrong with me? Everyone else seems okay, and here I am all fucked up. The only relief is when I'm high." "He asked the right questions today. I can't tell him. I hate to lie. He has been so good to me, but if he knew what happened, what would he think of me then?"

Hurt needs to be expressed. When it is expressed through inappropriate anger, it leads to more hurt. Expressing anger in constructive ways allows the anger to dissipate, but it may not allow someone to understand and express the hurt. Being willing and able to actually talk about and experience the hurt gives that person the ability to actually let the hurt go. I understand it is not an easy task, but with the proper help from family and friends, it does happen. When family and friends are not enough, it is time to seek more professional help. Without that help, hurt and anger spiral downward until the person is depressed.

ANGER Lies between Hurt and Depression "The angry me is very much awake. I'm starting to listen to what it is saying to me too. I think the angry part of me is right: I should self-destruct."

Anger and Violence

Hurt may be what lies behind the anger, but it is often anger that people see. Anger can be kept behind the mask, or it can be the mask that hides the hurt. When the anger gets expressed, it usually causes more hurt due to the consequences of angry behavior. This cycle of hurt causing anger and anger causing hurt builds until the person loses the ability to think calmly enough to make any kind of positive change.

"There must be a very angry person on the inside of me that wants to release its fury but doesn't want to hurt someone else so it attacks itself, which is me. The problem is that I don't know how to calm this angry person down. I don't...