The subtitle for this collection reflects the fact that some of the entries originated as decades-old jokes spread by word of mouth or later as prose--often at great length--in newspapers and magazines. Radio, television, and the Internet have served to speed the transmission and recycling of humor to the point that one can sometimes hear and read the same amusing stories in different languages. Rhymed distillations of those stories supplement original compositions in this collection. None have been published in this form before. Join Blondie's fans in enjoying her romp through life!
A Blondie Reader
Old Wine in New VersesBy James R. WachobAuthorHouse
Copyright © 2009 James R. Wachob
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4389-7180-3Chapter One
BLONDIE AND ACCIDENT REDUCTION The cops declared her skills impaired; she needed more instruction. With some remorse she found a course in Accident Reduction.
She paid her fee but proved to be a victim of deception. She learned one day to her dismay it dealt with contraception.
BLONDIE AND DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME
Blondie's scared of global warming; polar ice will swamp our shore. Congress, which she says was reckless, gave us sunshine one hour more!
BLONDIE AND GAS PRICES
Though others gripe that prices soar, my costs don't ever climb. As I drive up, I give the man just twenty bucks each time.
BLONDIE AND PORNOGRAPHY
Blondie spurned pornography; the offers made her laugh: "What could I appreciate without a pornograph?"
BLONDIE AND SIGN LANGUAGE
She's taking a sign-language course with the hope she'll later be able to find a job that will put her new talents to work: to teach at a school for the blind.
BLONDIE AND TECH SUPPORT
She sat at her computer on a dark and stormy night. Her monitor stopped working, and it gave her quite a fright.
She couldn't keep on surfing, so she phoned to Tech Support: "Just now I got a problem of a very crazy sort."
"Please read the model number," said the techie loud and clear. "I can't," said Blondie sadly, "there's a power outage here."
BLONDIE AND THE BARKING DOG
The neighbors' dog barked loud and long, a tiresome nuisance nightly. So Blondie left the couple's bed, went out, returning sprightly.
"I fixed the problem," Blondie said, while cagily explaining: "I moved the dog to OUR backyard; now THEY can start complaining!"
BLONDIE AND THE BIOLOGY TEST
"What birds," was the question, "give others their young? The answer goes into the box." So Blondie wrote "cuckoos," explaining her choice: "No room for the young in the clocks."
BLONDIE AND THE BIRD
While strolling with Blondie one day in the park, a friend cried: "Poor birdie! It's dead!" But Blondie, not thinking to look on their path, was searching the heavens instead.
BLONDIE AND THE BLOOD TEST
She's cramming so she won't appear to be a blonde buffoon. She wants to know the answers for her blood test scheduled soon.
BLONDIE AND THE BOMB THREAT
Blondie has heard there are bombs that are "dirty," whose fallout can stifle computers with ease. Fearful, she wonders if bombing her building would cause the erasure of all her CD's.
BLONDIE AND THE CAR REPAIR
When her car was badly dented and she planned for its repair, then a neighbor said, "Save money, you can do the job with air.
"Put your lips around the tailpipe, and you blow until you're blue. All the dents will pop out quickly, and your car will look like new."
When the neighbor saw no progress, he unfairly asked her why. "I forgot to close the windows," said dear Blondie in reply.
BLONDIE AND THE CRASH COURSE
"You need to take a crash course now," her patient teacher said. So Blondie took those words to heart and started Drivers Ed.
BLONDIE AND THE DINOSAUR PARK
She went to a dinosaur theme park one day, robotics of cinema grade. Disheartened, she asked for a refund and said: "A couple were fake, I'm afraid."
BLONDIE AND THE DOG FOOD
She had a lot of dogs around, some black, some white, same breed. She wondered why it always was that blacks cost more to feed.
She called a vet to visit her, who urged her to relax. He smiled and said, "It's simple, ma'am, you've twice as many blacks."
BLONDIE AND THE DRESS CODE
The girls in the classroom were scantily clad and thought it was perfectly "cool." Describing them Jezebels luring the boys, the teacher made long sleeves the rule.
But Blondie liked T-shirts and wore them a lot; she wanted to show off her charms. Defying the teacher, she wouldn't obey and cited "the right to bare arms."
BLONDIE AND THE DRUGSTORE SCALES
When Blondie wondered what she weighed, she quickly spent a dime. Unhappily she read the words: "Just one, please, at a time."
BLONDIE AND THE EXERCISE PROGRAM
"Exercise gives added years!" The thought was very heady. Blondie, starting, said, "It's true; I've aged ten years already."
BLONDIE THE CUB REPORTER
The editor, angry, took Blondie to task: "So where's your report for today? The mayor was married at noon, as you know. Now why the outrageous delay?"
"There's really no story," said Blondie unfazed, "it's perfectly simple, you see. I'll tell you what happened at twelve in the church and think that you'll surely agree.
"The couple was standing in front of the priest when someone insulted the bride. The mayor turned 'round and unholstered his gun and shot while the womenfolk cried.
"The murder caused chaos, the candles fell down, the altar cloth quickly caught fire. The priest went unconscious inhaling the smoke; the flaming reached up to the choir.
"And now," added Blondie, "you know what I knew in making my best judgment call. No sense in pretending the wedding took place. There wasn't a story at all!"
BLONDIE AND THE GUN
When Blondie found her man in bed, a sweetie by his side, she drew a pistol from her purse to show her wounded pride.
"I'll kill myself in front of you," said Blondie clearly vexed. The man cried, "NO," but she replied, "Shut up or you'll be next."
BLONDIE AND THE JIGSAW PUZZLE
She finished the puzzle in 17 months, concluding a long stretch of tears. She's proud she succeeded in winning the race; the label said "3 to 5 years."
BLONDIE AND THE LOTTERY
She cried herself to sleep each night; her case seemed kind of funny. She often guessed the numbers right but never got the money.
She raised her problem up to God and prayed for help to lick it. A patient voice said, "Blondie dear, you've got to buy a ticket!"
BLONDIE AND THE NEW BUS
She waited in vain for her Bus 44 but saw then a Bus 22. Exhausted from standing, she welcomed a ride and felt that the new bus would do.
She boarded the bus she knew nothing about, and frankly she hadn't a care. She thought she'd get home on the Bus 22 by doubling the regular fare.
BLONDIE AND THE OFFICE PLOT
The girls in the office found out that their boss, a woman, left always at three. They one day decided to do the same thing and hoped that the boss wouldn't see.
When Blondie got home, she believed she could hear the sounds of a love-making pair. She peeked in the bedroom and saw with surprise her husband and boss lying there.
A couple days later, when Blondie was asked to join with the girls in their plot, she turned down their offer and timidly said: "The last time I nearly got caught!"
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