CHAPTER 1
In The Struggle
Everybody has their own struggle. So be kind.
Author Unknown
Where Are You Dad? ... My Story
I awoke to the sound of sobbing from my mother's bedroom. Wiping the sleep from my 8-year-old eyes and stumbling into her room in my flannel pyjamas, I was unaware that my life had just taken a radical turn. My father, Lt Colonel Bryan J Wadie had been killed in a car accident the night before, on his way home from a golfing trip. He was ripped away from me in an instant. The link to my closest masculine influence had been severed, and I was set adrift to find my own way to manhood.
Of course, I did not realise that at the time. I shared tears with my mum and sister and then off I went to school that very same morning. The shock was still preventing the emotion from setting in. I discussed my father's death with my mates like it was a school project that I had completed on the weekend. Well, that was that. So I then joined them for a game of soccer and got on with my school day as normal. My memory is not the best, but on that morning I distinctly remember switching on the "numb button". I had done what the playground had prepared me for: to stuff away and bury the pain, deep down where I thought I would never find it. I stopped the tears and cut off any emotion. I toughened up, soldiered on and did my best to be a man. At least, what I thought a man was supposed to be.
As the years went on my dreams continued to haunt me. I often woke up believing that my father was still alive; that, in fact, he had been on a secret mission and would one-day return to our family, expecting him to waltz right back in through the door with a broad grin on his face. This expectation only led to an increase in my sadness; however, tears would never come as I continued to push the pain deep down in order to survive, as I knew best.
"Kids are so resilient-they bounce back." Is a common refrain I encountered from adults around me. Oh, how wrong they were! I became an expert in surviving by burying my wounds, festering and raw. Repressed and denied, the wounds never healed and resurfaced in my late thirties when I found myself spiralling out of control and lost. With no clear direction or purpose, I was far from leading a life of purpose. I was only surviving, and barely. I found myself screaming, "Where are you Dad? I am lost! I need you to show me the way!" I was deep in the struggle, at risk of losing my wife, my daughter, my savings and my desire for life.
Myths of Manhood
We are living in an important and fruitful moment now, for it is clear to men that the images of adult manhood given by popular culture are worn out, a man can no longer depend on them. By the time a man is thirty five he knows that the images of the right man, the tough man, the true man, which he received in high school, do not work in life. Such a man is open to new visions of what that man could be.
Robert Bly, Preface from Iron John - Men and Masculinity.
Where is our community of men with their wisdom to show us the way to manhood?
Examining the past few generations, as a result of our ongoing developing and expanding industrial world, a number of fathers and their fathers were distracted and taken away from their sons. In many cases this was and still is the consequence of several wars, long work hours, marital break-ups, migration, etc. In many families there has been an erosion of this male social structure once provided by fathers, uncles, elders and mentors. That is, there are many boys lacking a father or male role model in their home as they grow up. As a result many boys have had to try to find their own way into manhood without proper guidance. The media, the Internet, public role models and their peers frequently fill this masculine vacuum, proving insufficient if not entirely detrimental in many cases. This deviation away from ancient wisdom and tradition has resulted in many boys mistakenly adopting many manhood myths presented by popular culture; leaving them lost, underdeveloped and searching for meaning.
Our society is continually bombarded by the media in the form of advertising, movies, pornography and poor high profile role models creating a persistent shower of masculinity myths. Shining light on these myths will help us establish where many modern men find themselves today. It will provide a chance to examine what has and continues to shape our perceptions of manhood. It is time to expose these myths for the lies and misconceptions that they are. It is time to look for the truth that will protect and serve on the path to a more authentic and mature masculinity.
The following are a few of the common myths about masculinity:
Men should never show emotions or affection - it's a sign of weakness
As early as in the kindergarten playground, boys are conditioned to hold their tears and stop being mummy's boys. It's not just the kids; teachers and parents who will also state, "No one likes it when you cry" or "There are no tears at school." Later peers will tell their mates to "Suck it up princess." Men are encouraged to hide emotions and even affection. To do so is a sign of weakness. In addition, to show love to another man is considered "gay", and again boys are suppressed back into their shells.
This issue of emotional suppression leads to an inability to comprehend and deal with the full spectrum of feelings and emotions. The expression of love, anger, fear, shame or sadness is crucial for any human being. An emotion is a message from me to me. Being expressed psychologically and physically, emotions drive behaviour and motivation towards resolution and fulfilment. For example an emotional message may be to feel anger mentally and physically. Recognising this, a man can choose to process the anger by confronting someone with the truth and move towards resolution as opposed to stuffing it down deep, and letting it be projected towards an inappropriate target at the pub, at home or even it may resurface amplified years down the track. This smothering of emotions may result in emotional numbing, and eventually build up unprocessed, leading to disproportionate outbursts. It has been said that, "boys who don't cry shoot bullets". How can men understand the feelings of others if they can't comprehend and process their own feelings?
Today many men are socially conditioned to separate their hearts from their heads, leading to a lack of self-understanding and a lack of empathy which can easily lead to bullying, gender violence, aggression, and abuse. As a result, many men remain isolated, not really knowing how to enter and hold meaningful relationships with family, friends and partners. When connected to their hearts men can be empowered to heal their wounds and take responsability for their own feelings by expressing them with truth and integrity. Giving them a deeper self-awareness and ownership of their decisions, actions and reactions.
A real man is a sexual expert and defined by his sexual conquests.
His money, his car, and his job...
