The Impact of Post Traumatic Stress on All Levels of Leadership

Having served in the Middle East for approximately 32 months, I often become overwhelmed by the thoughts and reminders of my time there. It is really tough to acknowledge such feelings to peers or superiors without concerns that they may see weakness in me as a leader, Soldier, and person. I had the toughest time dealing with these constant thoughts and reminders as I transitioned from my duties in a unit that frequently deployed, to my duties as a Brigade Command Sergeant Major of a Basic Combat Training unit at Fort Benning, Georgia. In my new position, I continued to embody the traits and characteristics that I thought had kept my Soldiers and me alive for 32 months in the Middle East and to incorporate them into my everyday work habits.

Becoming the 192nd Infantry Brigade Command Sergeant Major when I returned from Iraq in 2005 was a wonderful honor. For most of the first nine months after my return, my men did not seem to realize that their Brigade CSM was not doing well at all. I was able to perform my military duties on a daily basis without any negative thoughts whatsoever. However, in February of 2006, I had to attend a Soldier's memorial service. As I walked into the chapel, my body began to tremble, and my mind began flashing back to memories of the Soldiers I had lost during my last deployment with 2nd Squadron, 11th Armored Cavalry Regiment (ACR). The chaplain spoke and then the roll call was given. I felt my body quivering inside, my eyes began to water, and then tears rolled like a waterfall down my face.

I asked myself almost instantly, "How did I get like this? What was the root cause of these issues? What did I see that triggered these recurring memories?"

I had no control; as a warrior and a member of a team, I found that being reduced to this condition was tough to swallow.

After the roll call finished and we all stood up, I said to myself, "OK, the worst is over."

Then, without warning, the bugler began playing Taps, and that sound struck like a knife into my heart. I could feel my knees buckling, and then I couldn't feel my legs at all, so I grabbed onto the front bench. The Brigade Commander, Colonel Charles W. Durr, Jr., looked at me and immediately knew that this experience was having a negative effect on me. You know, it's really nice to have good leadership while you're serving your country—to have an inspired leader is almost the norm—but to have one who is also compassionate makes a big difference to a Soldier. The Commander reached out to me later, and we talked briefly about this service having been worse for me than any memorial I had attended in Iraq. Soon after the memorial service, I began to lose control of my eating habits, and nightmares came every night. I worked longer hours in order not to have any free time. The only problem is that one can work only so much! I struggled, wondering what had triggered these issues and whether or not my fellow Soldiers were having the same problems.

I was diagnosed in March of 2006 with Post Traumatic Stress (PTS), but like many leaders, I put off any treatment—I was too busy. Too busy almost cost me forever! Later when I talked with Yvonne Wilbanks, Fort Benning's Alcohol & Drug Control Officer, I learned that PTS needs to be treated early to try to avoid other serious problems such as depression and substance abuse. Her office, the Army Substance Abuse Program, had sponsored training on PTS in conjunction with National Depression Screening Day at my unit.

On May 5, 2006, while attending a course at Fort Jackson, everything came full circle when I found myself crying continuously for about an hour. I couldn't stop thinking about those Soldiers who had died in Iraq. Earlier that morning, I had awakened from one of the worst dreams I had ever had. It wasn't really a dream, though—I was there! I was experiencing the after-effects of losing two great company commanders and watching their bodies being placed into bags. I knew then that I should go for counseling.

Although I had not developed substance abuse issues, I did gain weight and was up to 260 pounds. In spite of the weight gain, I was remarkably fit and able to run better than most. However, I found myself not feeling very well, and I consulted a primary physician assistant who sent me to the hospital to have some lab work done. Early the next morning I received a phone call from the TMC (Troup Medical Clinic). The caller sounded a little anxious.

She said, "CSM, you need to come to the TMC right now."

I replied, "I am in a meeting."

She said, "CSM, don't make me come get you."

I went into the physician assistant's office, and he told me that my lab work showed signs of heart disease. He said that if I didn't do something about it soon, he couldn't predict a timeline for me. We talked about the findings and about my family history. My father and his brother had both passed away at the ages of 64 and 65 from heart disease, so my family history was not encouraging. After contemplating all this information, as well as learning of my booming blood pressure, I took a hard look in the mirror. I decided to receive counseling, via the telephone, from a combat stress doctor at Walter Reed Medical Center. I had been counseled by this same doctor in Iraq during my last deployment. I started dieting and working out harder and harder. The TMC folks continued to stay on top of my progress, monitoring my daily blood pressure checks and monthly lab work. During this period I learned that the root causes of all my issues were the anxiety and emotional instability that I had been dealing with since my extended stay in the Middle East.

Though we, as leaders, choose to fight most of our individual battles by ourselves, it's comforting to know we have excellent medical personnel who care about Soldiers of all ranks. We definitely don't appreciate them enough! Ms....