Despite their traditional modesty and reluctance to discuss sexual matters, even insular Orthodox Jewish communities are no longer silent regarding child molestation. Mandel (CEO, OHEL Children's Home and Family Services, New York) and Pelcovitz (Jewish education, pastoral psychology, Yeshiva U., New York) introduce a dozen essays that dispel myths and treat this issue from the perspectives of victims, religious law, and prevention. The book includes a child's circle of protection graphic, list of signs and symptoms of abuse, guidelines for talking to children about possible sexual abuse, culturally-appropriate prevention and treatment models, and a glossary of Hebrew terms. Annotation ©2011 Book News, Inc., Portland, OR (booknews.com)
BREAKING THE SILENCE
SEXUAL ABUSE IN THE JEWISH COMMUNITYKTAV Publishing House, Inc.
Copyright © 2011 David Mandel and David Pelcovitz
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-60280-165-3Contents
INTRODUCTION: TRANSFORMING VICTIMS INTO SURVIVORS Dr. David Pelcovitz and David Mandel......................................................xiPREFACE AND ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Dr. David Pelcovitz and David Mandel............................................................................xixBIOGRAPHIES..................................................................................................................................xxiChapter 1 INTERVIEWS WITH MALE SURVIVORS OF SEXUAL ABUSE Gavriel Fagin......................................................................3Chapter 2 THE VOICES OF FEMALE SURVIVORS OF SEXUAL ABUSE Excerpts from Letters (compiled and adapted by Ethel Gottlieb).....................16Chapter 3 UNWANTED TOUCH: A PREVENTIVE APPROACH FOR PARENTS Dr. Susan Schulman..............................................................25Chapter 4 A SCHOOL PREVENTION MODEL Debbie Fox..............................................................................................46Chapter 5 A COMMUNITY SAFETY PLAN TO RESPOND TO SEXUAL ABUSE David Mandel...................................................................97Chapter 6 MOLESTATION — A HALACHIC PERSPECTIVE Rav Dovid Cohen........................................................................121Chapter 7 THE 411 ON 911: REPORTING JEWISH ABUSERS TO THE CIVIL AUTHORITIES Rabbi Mark Dratch...............................................129Chapter 8 CHILD WELFARE INVESTIGATION PROTOCOLS Adam Lancer, Esq............................................................................149Chapter 9 TREATMENT OF VICTIMS OF CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE Dr. David Pelcovitz....................................................................167Chapter 10 CLINICAL CONSIDERATIONS IN THE TREATMENT OF THE ADOLESCENT OFFENDER Barry Horowitz...............................................195Chapter 11 TREATMENT OF ADULT OFFENDERS Hillel Sternstein...................................................................................238Chapter 12 SEXUAL ABUSE IN THE RELIGIOUS COMMUNITY: SYSTEMS, EXPERIENCE AND REPAIR Dr. Isaac Schechter......................................304GLOSSARY.....................................................................................................................................339
Chapter One
INTERVIEWS WITH MALE SURVIVORS OF SEXUAL ABUSE Gavriel Fagin
I have had the privilege of working with survivors of sexual abuse for close to ten years as a mental health professional. My interactions with survivors have taken place in two main venues: as a former team member at OHEL serving victims of sexual abuse and more recently, as a private practitioner. Whether these interactions have been in the confines of individual therapy or in the transformational experience of a group process, a single theme has emerged: pain, anguish, and torment.
In this chapter I will share with you some of the most intimate experiences that male survivors of sexual abuse have gone through and often continue to feel. These emotions that I will share are painful for anyone to read. They are real — culled from interviews, individual sessions, and group interactions with survivors. I will try to present the information in the words of the survivor, often utilizing direct quotes. Presented in this chapter are the typical experiences of the typical survivor. While not every survivor grapples with the same issues, common themes are very frequently found regardless of age, type of community, and religious level. Indeed, the male survivors that I continue to work with come from Chassidish, Litvish, Yeshivish, and Centrist homes. The age of victimization has ranged from infanthood to late adolescence. The perpetrators of these abuses have been classroom teachers (Hebrew & English studies), school principals, school janitors, camp counselors, division heads, head counselors, people doing work in the child's home (contractor, locksmith, plumber), adolescent neighbors, adult neighbors, youth group leaders, tutors, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.
Sexual offenders can be anyone. Rarely has a child that I have worked with been abused by a complete stranger. Reading this list of perpetrators and hearing the stories of abuse, one is certainly struck with the realization that abuse can take place at any time, in any venue, and with any individual. For parents, teachers, and community leaders reading this chapter, please understand the victim's pain. For therapists reading this, never lose your sensitivity to the survivor's pain. Finally, and most importantly, for survivors reading this chapter, you are not alone. Your pain can be understood. People might not get it fully, but we can try. You will not be rejected or judged for being a survivor. I will present the issues in an "interview" format, in order to help readers truly feel as if they are hearing the information directly from the victim.
Q. Is there anything anyone could have told you that would have prepared you to avoid being abused?
To a large extent, victims of sexual abuse grapple with this question throughout their entire life — could I have been protected or educated to avoid all of this pain? Parents will often cast undue blame and guilt on themselves that they did not do enough to protect their child. Ultimately, it is a question that is inherently unanswerable, but one that has practical implication for the potential protection of children.
When survivors are asked what, if anything, could have helped to avoid the abuse, one survivor said: "Parents and teachers need to know what abuse looks like." Another survivor encourages parents: "Speak to your kids. Tell them to be careful. Tell them that they can come talk about it. Tell them, please! [that] it is not their fault. They need to know that pain is pain and that it needs to be helped, not punished."
Victims of sexual abuse come from a very diverse population, and as such, each family and community has a different manner of addressing sexuality generally, and avoidance of abuse specifically. In some communities, the issues of sexuality are not discussed at all with children, be it healthy or unhealthy sexual touch or development. As such, these children will generally gather information from informal sources (such as friends or older siblings). Consequently, there is a very limited knowledge about what is appropriate sexual behavior. This lack of knowledge about healthy and unhealthy sexual touch and development puts a child at greater risk of being taken advantage of or of exploring sexuality on their own. Educating a child in a culturally sensitive manner can be accomplished through the guidance of a Rov or mentor and/or Mental Health Professional who shares or appreciates similar values.
In other families, children are taught to be afraid of "a bad person that will want to hurt you or touch you", and the child develops what is known as "stranger danger". The child is made to be afraid of outsiders or individuals who have been portrayed as a "monster" in some manner. The fact is that the overwhelming majority of children who are sexually victimized have a close and personal relationship with the abuser. As such, educating children regarding strangers only is not an effective educational tool....
