CHAPTER 1
WE ARE BULLIED EVERY DAY
No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
The people in your life who present you with the greatest challenges are often your best teachers.
You cant control things, but you can control your reaction to things.
Bullying is an every day occurrence, even towards grown-ups. Think about it:
– being cut off in traffic,
– when someone honks the horn to make the driver go faster,
– the neighbor who tells you to cut your grass,
– when someone makes fun of how you behave.... you get the idea.
Every time someone insists you do things their way, you are experiencing a form of bullying. Some of the things on this list don't seem like such a big deal to you, do they?
How you react or respond is an indication of your emotional connection to it. None of the things listed deserve any energy or worry.
Activity: List some places outside of school where you think bullying happens. They don't have to be things that have happened to you; perhaps you have noticed something happening to someone else and you didn't like what you saw. Next to the occurrence, write how it made you feel inside and how it made you feel about the person it was happening to.
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Note: The bully is teaching you that they don't have what it takes to be your friend. Let me say this again:
the bully does not have what it takes to be your friend.
You choose who your friends are.
You choose how you spend your time together.
This is part of your power; keep it and use it.
CHAPTER 2
WHO IS THE BULLY?
You're probably thinking the best answers to this question would be: someone at school, someone at afterschool care, your brother or sister. It's possible. But I am focusing on the one you meet in school.
Nevertheless, I think that every time you make a mistake, even a little one, and in your head, you call yourself bad names, then the bully is you. The old-fashioned expression is You Are Your Own Worst Enemy.
What do you tell yourself when you mess up?
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I'm guessing that you tell yourself a combination of pep talks and hurtful thoughts too.
Which one might make you feel better: telling yourself "You're such a dummy!" or "What a dumb thing to do." Do you think you're dumb about everything? I don't think so. One comment is directed at you in your heart. The other talks only about the thing that happened. What words would you say to your friend whose feelings are hurt?
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Why don't you say them to yourself? Do you think you deserve being bullied? No, no, no, you do not.
People talk and write books about forgiveness all the time. It's a difficult thing to do, forgiving yourself. Pick one thing that doesn't go well for you and start the process of forgiving yourself. How? Apologize to yourself for something.
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For me, it's about my weight. My weight is completely my own fault. I don't look the way I would really like to look. Some days, its easy to watch what I eat, and some days its not. It's a long process – it took a long time to get to be this size, and it will take a long time to get back down to a reasonable and healthy size. Every day is a chance to start over and do better.
Everyone wants to be perfect all the time, and they are afraid of what might happen if they aren't. Does this describe you? The not-so-secret secret is that its impossible.
Goal: be the best you can be at this moment in time.
Be a hero for yourself.
CHAPTER 3
WHAT DO YOU THINK IS WRONG ABOUT YOU? WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU CANT CHANGE?
There is a lot of work in this chapter. Please don't do all the work in one day; I truly want you to think about your feelings.
Let go of what was, accept what is, and have faith in what will be. Past, present and future.
Activity: honestly write what you think is 'wrong' about you.
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Notice that I did not give you a lot of space in which to write. What sort of hateful things did you write? Did you write the things the bully is saying to you? Would you ever say those things to someone else to hurt them? Why do you say them to yourself?
There are so many things you cant change....
Height story: Shawn was the shortest boy in fifth grade, and was quick-witted and serious about school. He was also an excellent basketball player. The boys figured out how to get to him – they teased him about his height and this teasing caused him to fistfight. One day, while Shawn was in tears, storming off the court, I was able to get him to walk and talk with me. I made the point that there was nothing he could do about his height and that in fact he should be celebrating it because he was fast on his feet and could easily get under the taller boys to steal the ball, which he did all the time. That made him laugh, and he admitted that he was proud of himself for being able to do that.
This-is-how-I-was-born story: Another young man I admire is now a motivational speaker and travels the world to share his story. His name is Nick Vujicic. Nick was born without arms and legs (he has a partial foot on one side). He was teased in school so much, he thought about killing himself because he didn't see how he could ever be happy and live any kind of normal life. He changed his mind because his family had been really loving and supportive and he didn't want to hurt them by doing it. Instead, Nick tried to do everything everybody else did (sometimes with success but sometimes not), and learned how to do many things. Watch the video that introduced him to me: http://www.cbsnews.com/videos/against-all-odds/. He is thankful for everything he does have instead of being angry for everything he doesn't have.
Check in: How do you feel about the stories you just...
