CHAPTER 1
|1| Old People
What are we to do? We don't want a computer, and we don't have e-mail. The nineteenth century is peaceful. We're not sure what a Facebook or a blog is. We frankly don't give a damn, Scarlett!
When we are ordering something on the phone (a landline—yes, they still exist) and are asked for our e-mail address, we respond that we don't have one. The person on the other end often says, "That's all right, honey." "Poor thing" is implied.
Our friends with computers often have to buy something for them or replace them. The computer needs to be faster or—bless its heart—it has a virus. Its e-mail box runneth over.
Thank goodness—we have avoided these electronic problems.
|2| Laundry and Sunshine
How about a solar dryer? For those who still wash clothes at home, the aroma of sun-dried clothes is a huge perk. No fabric softeners, no pine scent—just a wonderful, sun-dried, clean smell.
I'm told some communities don't allow laundry lines in the yard. It's time to move.
|3| Words and Phrases—They Change
Language is always evolving, but sometimes it seems to evolve backward. Perfectly descriptive phrases are changed to more obscure language. An intention tremor (a shaking of the hand as it tries to grasp something) is changed to an essential tremor (as opposed to a nonessential tremor?).
Manic-depressive (describing a person's mood and behavior) is changed to bipolar. Are we to think of polar exploration?
Dope fiend is changed to chemically challenged. Sounds as if one is not doing well in organic chemistry.
Alcoholic is changed to chemically imbalanced. Does that mean one has more sodium and potassium in one leg than the other?
|4| Zero Tolerance Is 100 Percent Wrong
We tolerate no bad behavior. No infraction of the rules. Hormonally hyped teenagers and five-year-olds who hug and kiss a classmate must be charged and dismissed. It sure makes life easier for the principal and teachers, but it can ruin a child's chances of getting into a good school or winning a scholarship.
We have all done things that we have regretted—acts that were foolish during our school years. Part of our learning process is predicated on profiting from our mistakes. Teachers need to counsel and direct students when mistakes are made. It is as much a function of the school administration as making sure math and English are understood.
Come on, folks! Let's put discipline and instruction back in the schools and stop abdicating this responsibility by saying, "You're out."
|5| The Spelling and Math Gene
Where art thou? People who have the math and spelling genes don't understand folks who don't have them. My grammar school teacher would say, "If you don't know how to spell a word, look it up." Duh. If I could look it up, I could spell it.
Have you ever used algebra or analytic geometry? I haven't and still don't know what they do. I was once told that bridges are built by using imaginary numbers. If that's not a scary thought, what is?
A life-changing and calming event happens when one recognizes there are certain abilities one doesn't have. One is freed, then, to utilize what one can do and not be frustrated. "All people are created equal" is one of the most disingenuous statements ever made.
[|6| My Mother Never Had Any] Children of Her Own
Because I was an only child, I tried to call my mother fairly frequently—but not enough, according to her expectations. Until I was in my forties, anytime I would call and say, "Hello, Mother!" she would say, "Who is this?" Finally, I asked, "How many children do you have that I don't know about?" She never asked, "Who is this?" again.
But what was the answer? Hmmmm ...
|7| TIP
This is what the waitperson wants and hopes the customer is generous enough to give. Two of my daughters have been waitpeople and have learned that the worst tips come from a group of women wearing lots of gold jewelry.
It was once thought that tip meant "to ensure promptness," but other thoughts prevail these days. In any event, if it is to elicit good service, it should be given at the beginning of the meal.
|8| Old People Get Picked On
There is a list somewhere of old people. They are solicited by all sorts of con artists (politicians included) for money. "Just send five dollars and we will tell you if you're in the final four for winning a new car or a vacation in Europe."
"Please send money (for whatever political party) to help keep Communists off our college campuses." We thought it would be more pertinent if our elderly parents sent money to keep their grandchildren on the college campuses.
These folks are persistent. They only stop when you write deceased on the envelope and drop it back in the mailbox.
|9| Things I Wonder About
Do you know that fleece comes from polyester, not sheep? What does virgin wool mean? Does it come from sheep that outran the shepherd?
Who ate the first oyster and the first artichoke? Was this guy near unto death from hunger?
|10| You Deserve It
Rarely so. It is a catchphrase that is very common these days. One can work for something, one can inherit something—but to say one deserves something is as if some great feat has been accomplished, which is most often not the case.
We all want things but rarely deserve them. Along this same line are people who say they want respect. "You disrespected me." Respect is earned, not given.
|11| Things Change—For the Better?
A five-cent ice cream cone can cost four dollars, and you can't get six Cokes for a quarter. Regular mail was twenty-two cents. (I still have trouble deciding if anything I write is worth forty-six cents.) In the 1940s, a movie with a cartoon, a continued serial, and a newsreel, along with a Coke and popcorn, was eleven cents. Five dollars would fill the backseat of the car with groceries. Comics were a dime. Bubblegum cost a penny and was wrapped in a cartoon.
Inexpensive cars now cost more than houses did in the 1940s. It certainly is change. What will these things cost in seventy years?
|12| Withering Feminism
Women want to be equal. The he/she thing. There should be words that define women, not just the male word used for both. These words do and did exist.
Man Woman
hero heroine
usher usherette
murderer murderess
executor executrix
actor actress
dominator dominatrix
Lately, women have been referring to themselves using only the male equivalent. What's going on?
|13| Tennis Commentators
Why must they jabber on and on? Most of us are not interested in interviews while play is in progress. Do these people get paid by the word? Please, just show the action.
|14| Cybersex
Despite what some might believe, cybersex is good. Where else can one have a sexual experience without worrying about pregnancy or acquiring a sexually transmitted disease?
|15| Somali Pirates
Shoot them! Blow them out of the water! The international maritime community is "solidly against armed guards and the firing of weapons on vessels at sea" (somebody needs...
