My oldest daughter, Courtney, died in December, 2010, at the age of forty, of complications from twenty years of drug addiction. This is not the story of her life, but her afterlife, in which she is communicating with me, through automatic writing, about what she is learning on the "other" side. Although I have done automatic writing at various times in my life, I have never before had such a long, ongoing communication. But then I’ve never before had a child pass over. Courtney was a very sociable, talkative, witty, sensitive, loving, and spiritual person when she was alive. Drugs took some of that away, but the essence of who she was on earth and who she is showing me through these writings definitely remains. She writes, through me, about life on the other side, the reason we come to earth, and the lessons we need to learn. Her writings have been helpful to my family and friends, and my friends have passed them on to some of their friends. It seems to make people feel better and look at things differently. I know it’s made everything a lot easier for me, knowing she’s still around and continues to learn, grow, and pass that information on to us. I hope you’ll find her words as inspiring, helpful, and life-affirming as we have.

Conversations with my Daughter on the Other Side

The First YearBy Barbara B Lauman

Balboa Press

Copyright © 2012 Barbara B Lauman
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4525-4856-2

Chapter One

The Writings Begin: Dec 18, 2010

Courtney—look back on past what good I did and what I didn't do—feeling much better now all is clear don't only think about what might have been—it was what it was—hard life. Not now, what is done is done, but what's important is know it doesn't really matter because I'm still here and doing what we always been doing: loving. We're really unchanging in our love. My love is like a continuous fountain that just got stopped up for awhile and flows now again, but was never gone. Love Courtney. Love you , love to Bleu and all. More later.

Dec 22

Mom—Ok you are doing well and I am doing great. Thank you for helping me to cross over. You are right about feeling like I came home. I had such a hard time on earth–that plane called earth and life, but this is life for me, not that, unless you are evolved enough to know what is going on there. All of us love life here. At first it's not so easy because you do see your whole life and what you've messed up and what you did good too, but the mess-ups are hard to look at and I slept for awhile at first but that was okay too. There was energy of people who helped me wake up and go through my life but no judgment from them, just like holding me up and surrounding me with love and non-judgment. What a relief. I took things so seriously, so sensitive, what a waste of time that is. Go lightly through the world was an excellent quote and so true. It's a game and a school and an observation, but it's not really life. This is life. I was way more dead there than here. Tell Bleu I love him and to laugh at life there and have fun, real fun, not serious. He's so wonderful and learning so much with you. Keep up the good work and thank you for being my guide when I'd let you be.

Once I woke up, I felt so strong I could open your computer. The cat got the candy cane off the tree and I placed it. I will try to show you more, but am getting busy. I'm doing more here than I did there. Will let you go and I love you.

(I asked Courtney for some signs that she was really still around and the next day I found my laptop open, which I'd closed and locked, and a candy cane on the kitchen table right at the place I always sit)

Dec 26

Bleu will be okay. He's such a good kid, let him be for now. I will keep allowing him to feel me in whatever way he can and I will visit him at night. If he can remember, it will be good for him. This life you are living is the illusion you've read about and have understood at times and it is the love that is real. All for now, love Courtney

Dec 27

The only home I'd ever known until now was with you. And don't take this wrong, but there is no home on earth that compares to the feeling of home here—it is all encompassing. There is a feeling of safety that nothing on earth can touch. You prayed that I would find a safe place while I was there AND I HAVE.

I love you, thank you for your prayers for me.

(I asked about putting an ad—the fourth one—to find a home for the cat, Remmie):

Answer: December thirty ad in at 5pm

(I did as she said and a woman called who had picked out another cat, but it fell through and she came over at the time Courtney said she would and Remmie found a good home with her)

Jan 3, 2011—Bleu's 12th birthday

Twelve years ago, I could have changed my life there, but I didn't. I don't know why I thought I couldn't. Basic immaturity, I think, too much responsibility, I think. It wasn't a lack of love for Bleu. I loved him greatly and I did try at first, but I also knew that you would take over the responsibility when I could no longer keep it up. He also knows that and why he came through me to you. Twelve years, forty years, sixty-four years—it's a blink of an eye just used on earth to keep some kind of order, but truly meaningless. Time is all now. All for now, love you all and always. Later on gab more Molly.

(Molly is one of our dogs)

Jan 4

Life can't be destroyed because energy can't be destroyed and we all have our own energy which is why we're recognizable to those who know us. This comes as a real shock to those who don't believe that there's more to life than on earth. I'm glad you always taught that there was more, because to some souls it can be traumatic for awhile to find out they're still alive after their body is gone. But they get over it eventually with a lot of help from both those on earth and those here.

Jan 6

Good morning and it is nice that you're receiving my messages in different ways and recognizing them as from me. (I started writing down signs I was receiving from Courtney—from songs, to butterflies, to dream visits and more) Yes, I will continue even if I'm busy here—that won't interfere with being there with all of you. Just keep being aware and you will know I'm here and there and it's all the same.

I visit Molly * (my 14 yr old dog who loved Courtney) at night. Share this with her because another month and she will be here with me.

* (When Courtney was 13 we moved from Milwaukee to Birmingham, AL. When she was 17 we moved to Charlotte, NC. When she was 25, we moved to Denver. Courtney started traveling and ended up in Eugene, OR, where she got more and more into heroin and trouble. She called one day in 1997, not to ask for money, which she did regularly, but to ask to come to Denver and get clean. For the first time ever, my husband, Richard, and I had a house to ourselves. Nine months earlier we had bought a house after our two younger daughters moved out. We were having a wonderful time, but when Courtney called, I said yes, she could come and stay with us for six months and we would support her getting clean.

She arrived in Denver on July 4, 1997. After seeing our house for a minute, she asked to go to the hospital to treat an awful abscess she had on her upper right arm. They kept her for surgery and she stayed in the hospital on a morphine drip for three days. She was happy. A couple weeks later, a dog appeared at our door – a husky, shepherd, collie mix. She immediately fell in love with Courtney and we named her Molly, after no one claimed her. She slept with Courtney every night.)

Jan 7

I can't believe I hid myself from myself and everyone else for so long. I was a kind and fun person until I started doing drugs and then believed I couldn't live without them. It was that belief that did me in. I'm so glad that's over and that I can help others in the same situation and keep growing and learning and helping here, which is what I wanted to do there. How freeing this has been. Beliefs really are lies many times, but they're the first step to knowing. You don't have to hang on to beliefs that are no longer needed, but they are important to temporarily ground you until you know more. It's the negative beliefs you hang on to and let run your life and relationships and stop up the love that should be flowing all the time. That's why it doesn't matter what you eat, drink, etc. It's your belief about it that makes it real for you and when a lot of people have the same beliefs about one thing then it becomes a consensus and appears to be a truth. People get herded into "truths" that aren't even true and that's why you always need to look within for the truth for you and...