About The Author: Follow along as the author searches for the funniest word in the English language. Be there when he is offered a job by Chicago Syndicate Boss Sam Giancana. Discover his plan for getting Pete Rose into the Hall of Fame. Read about his joke writing experiences involving Bob Hope, about why he loves golf but never plays, and about how he came within minutes of joining the Army Secret Service. Written with a sense of mischief and fun these 28 essays are usually humorous, sometimes bizarre, invariably informative, and always entertaining. Personal experiences are a springboard for discussions on a wide variety of topics including gambling, violence, sports, UFOs, intelligent crows, and the meaning (?) of life. In 2002, Mengeling's book on Ray Bradbury, Red Planet, Flaming Phoenix, Green Town, was published by AuthorHouse.Now happily retired from university teaching, publishing, and administrating, Marvin E. Mengeling lives and writes for fun in Oshkosh, Wisconsin, with wife Frankie (the poet), son Tom (the photographer), and Katrina (the cat). Daughter Brenda Jo and husband Michael are medical researchers at the University of California Davis. And so it goes.

Crows, Pete Rose, UFOs

and Other Pretty PiecesBy Marvin E. Mengeling

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2011 Marvin E. Mengeling
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4567-6095-3

Contents

1. Preface.........................................................................................................xi2. What's In a Name?...............................................................................................13. Pete Rose and the Hall: Let's Make a Deal!......................................................................64. WHEEEEEEE!......................................................................................................125. O That Reptilian Brain!.........................................................................................176. Send Not to Know................................................................................................257. Lucky Loser? You Bet!...........................................................................................288. Gleason, Bacaud, and the Funny Dancer...........................................................................349. Upgetum.........................................................................................................4010. Katzenjammer Capers............................................................................................4811. Mr. Know-It-All................................................................................................5512. A Scientific Investigation Into a Linguistic Matter of Some Importance.........................................7013. O Brave New NBA World!.........................................................................................7514. Basketball in Eden.............................................................................................8215. Don't Be A Fool!...............................................................................................8516. Don't Be a Fool—Again!...................................................................................9417. Strange You Should Ask That....................................................................................10418. The Strange Affair of the Missing Hyphen or Who Put the Ugly Gnomes in Mr. Irving's Story?.....................11019. Just Say No?...................................................................................................12620. The Hooters Have It or Knock! Knock! Hooter's There?...........................................................13121. No, I Won't Take a Number Please!..............................................................................13622. Yankee Doodle Dandy............................................................................................14023. Twangs A Lot!..................................................................................................14824. Who Wants To Be Buddy Sorrell?.................................................................................15725. Size Matters...................................................................................................16726. Golf: A Subtle Helix...........................................................................................17427. The Crapshoot?.................................................................................................18728. Caws & Effects.................................................................................................198

Chapter One

What's In a Name?

Once upon a time when I was a callow and know-it-all young fellow, I worked in a toy factory warehouse with another young man—let's call him Tony—who was invariably cheery and friendly but seemed far from being the brightest elf in our little Santaland. Tony was likeable enough in most ways, so it was only behind his back that the rest of us referred to him, somewhat derisively, as our town's "Great Philosopher," this because (with what Nathaniel Hawthorne once described in a short story as the smile of a "crafty nincompoop") Tony would reply to virtually all questions requiring any degree of thought or reflection: "It kind of makes you wonder, don't it." He always declared this; he never intoned it as a question.

Now an old man, Tony is still living in that little town and despite cancer of the prostrate problems is still smiling and boosting the same philosophy. Unlike the "Great Philosopher," I moved from both warehouse and town, only to find the cocky surety of my youth peeling away as my experiences in the wider world increased. Not only didn't I know everything, I came to realize I knew extremely little with any certainty, and today feel that perhaps Tony's ambiguous response to most questions is probably the most accurate one, if only we'd admit it. The more I heard, read, saw and experienced, the more I figuratively scratched my head and came to realize that in Tony I had unknowingly been dealing with some sort of wise fool. Indeed, the more I have wandered the more I have wondered.

Right now, for example, I wonder why Tennessee's professional football team is called the "Titans." I realize that many high school and college teams have this same tired moniker. The teams at my local university are "Titans" all. But I wonder why any school or organization would consciously choose (after, one assumes, some sort of fan/student voting and executive deliberations on alternate possibilities) a name for their team that is historically associated with "losers."

A few years ago the new Baltimore franchise (formerly the Cleveland Browns, named after their first coach, football genius Paul Brown) was renamed the "Ravens," ostensibly in honor of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven," arguably the most famous poem ever written by an American. Granted, Poe lived in Baltimore off and on and died there in 1849 under mysterious circumstances, but really, a professional football team named after a poem? It all becomes more appropriate, though, if we know that Poe's raven is an omen of defeat for the poem's narrator, and that, as ornithologist Bernd Heinrich points out in his book Mind of the Raven, these somewhat ominous looking birds are extremely intelligent and often use expert teamwork to win out in the competition for food over seemingly more powerful predators like eagles, hawks and wolves. Intelligence, productive teamwork, and an omen of defeat for those who meet them—yes indeed, "Ravens" is a good and proper name for a football team. And, to paraphrase Poe, your opponent from out that raven's shadow that lies floating on the field, shall be lifted Nevermore.

But "Titans"? The "intelligences" that made the final decision on this name were either unaware or just didn't care that in Greek mythology (do they teach such stuff in Tennessee schools?) the most powerful of that bunch of immortal giants called Titans was Cronus, who "incested" with sister Rhea, who then birthed the Olympians (Zeus and his bunch), but not before Cronus had first castrated and exiled his own father Uranus. Then, afraid his own offspring would rise up and overthrow him, Cronus swallowed them whole right after each was born, until Rhea got tired of producing kids who ended up groceries. After the birth of Zeus, she gave Cronus a stone and told him it was the new baby. Apparently not having the intelligence even of a raven, Cronus swallowed both story and stone, thus giving son Zeus a chance to live and bulk up a bit. To make a long myth short, Zeus and his brothers and sisters (we'll skip the part about how and why Cronus spit them up) challenged the Titans to a fight. Apparently...