CHAPTER 1

THE SPORTING LIFE

A Day on the Mountain

Or

Why Skiing Is an Especially Apt Metaphorfor Life Itself

What do you get when you combine the annoyance of golf, the vastexpense of scuba, and the bodily risk of skydiving? That's right—skiing,a pastime whose origins are lost to antiquity, but which, in all likelihood,involved some Swiss or Austrian misanthrope—let's agree to call himGunther—living high on a mountain, who awakens one day to discoverhe is snowed in by a couple feet of fresh powder from the previousnight's storm, and on the very day he had meant to go into the village atthe base of the mountain for his semi-annual consignment of groceries.Well, shucks, our antiquarian hero says to himself, looks like the only wayI'm going to make it into town today is if I strap a couple pieces of wood tomy feet, rub a little goose grease on the bottoms to slick them up a bit, andslide down on top of all that snow. And so, for the moment neglectingto consider how he is going to make his way back up the hill with allthose groceries, Gunther deftly navigates his way down the mountainand into the village, to the astonishment of his fellow citizens, who stopand stare in awe at the grace and speed with which he makes his waydown the village's main street. And thus (at least for the purposes ofthis discussion) skiing is born.

Fast forward a few hundred years and you will find at your typicalmodern ski resort not socially-challenged mountaineers, but half-hourqueues, hundred-dollar lift passes, and eight-dollar cardboardhamburgers. But, like a first-time skier staring over the precipice of adouble-black diamond, I am getting rather far ahead of myself here. Imean to explain all of the nuances of the sport in good time, but first abit of backstory is required so that you understand the context for whatmight otherwise come across as an unnecessarily negative expositioninto what is, admittedly, a wildly popular pastime.

It will not be news to those who have participated in a sport of anykind that the earlier in life one begins said participation, the better at itone tends to be throughout the remainder of one's life, most especiallyif that early start is augmented with some quality instruction, and if,of course, the individual is amenable to that instruction. All of whichis a long and obtusely structured way of suggesting that I achievednone of these objectives, at least as far as skiing goes. The fact thatI grew up in Maine probably counts for something in all of this.Goodness knows, I came of age no stranger to snow, though all ofthe terrain on which its copious quantities lay during my upbringingwas unremarkably flat.

I not only grew up in Maine, but also lived in the same house formy entire memorable childhood. Our family was on the decidedlylower end of the economic scale, and we didn't engage in any of thesorts of recreation that required one to actually pay money. In fact,upon reflection, it still astounds me that I managed to grow up inMaine without once doing any of the things that people travel greatdistances and spend enormous sums to come from other parts of theworld to do. Oddly enough, I do not even recall having any friends inschool who were skiers. I include this apparent biographical digressiononly to help explain why it is that I took up skiing at such a relativelylate age.

It was only when I got to college, at the lofty age of twenty-four,that I first had the opportunity to give skiing a try. Once I mustered theverve to strap on a pair of boards and hit the slopes, I quickly discovereda few things, the lessons of which I mean to impart in the paragraphsthat follow. If you have never skied and are keen to give it a try, theseinsights will serve you well.

The very first thing you need to know is that skiing is expensive.If there existed a sliding scale that compared the prices of the variousathletic and recreational activities available to the average American,skiing would easily reside in the upper decile. In fact, there are tworelated but distinct components that comprise the overall budgetfor ski gear. The first has to do with the skiing itself, meaning theequipment needed to make one's way from the top to the bottom of themountain. The second tranche of expense has less to do with skiingper se, and more to do with surviving the abysmally cold temperaturesduring which most skiing takes place. Into the former category fallthree primary items—skis, bindings, and boots. Bindings, for theuninitiated, are the items used to connect the former to the latter, andwhose secondary but equally important function is to facilitate theseparation of you from your skis in the event of a spill, on which topicmore and...