CHAPTER 1

The Ego is Who You Think You Are

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Be careful how you are talking toyourself because you are listening

—Lisa M. Hayes

This quote by Lisa Hayes reminds us that we are listeningto our self-talk. We develop opinions about who we are aswe collect data during our everyday experiences. We listen atmany levels and absorb data from many sources, around the clock.Although we are not aware that we are listening, we are taking ininformation at an astounding speed. We are often not consciouslyaware of the information we are absorbing, yet that information iswhat our ego identity draws on, as we live each day.

I would like to demonstrate this by sharing the story of a littlegirl who was sent to live with her aunt and uncle for the first fewyears of her life.

Then when she was roughly three years old and her fatherhad been released from jail, she returned to live with her parents.Her father was an alcoholic and a heroin user. Her mother wasoverwhelmed by life and angry much of the time.

Her father took this little girl to the bars with him andprostituted her, starting when she was three and continuing untilshe was a young teen. Her mother constantly called her a tramp,told her she was ugly and useless, and said she had better pray thatsome man would want her when she grew up.

The girl loved to spend time with her dad and played guitarwith him. Her dad liked to laugh and sing and was not angry andmean like her mother.

Her mother scolded her for being a daddy's girl and made herserve the men booze and clean up after the wild parties. When thegirl complained, her mother would often put her in a closet or adirt cellar, telling her she needed to think about her disobedienceand bad behavior and be grateful that she had a home. The familymoved from one abandoned building to another. This meantchanging schools every few months.

The mother sent the girl to work cleaning houses onweekends when she was eight. When the girl no longer wantedto knock on doors and clean houses, her mother made her liveon the streets, telling her to learn to appreciate the good homeshe had.

At fourteen, the girl got a job and helped her family pay thebills. As the eldest of five, she continued to care for and supporther siblings while living on the streets. She felt there was lessviolence there than in her home.

She was told that she was not smart enough, that there wasnot enough money for her to continue her education, and thatschool was a waste anyway, since girls just got married. Shewas reminded daily that her biggest problem was that she was adreamer and that expecting she could achieve an education fedthe side of her that would not accept reality.

At twenty-one, this young woman was sharing her days withbitter, frustrated people who expected to be shortchanged by life.

Would you agree that this was not an ideal childhood? Do youthink that this girl was disadvantaged and that she would likely belimited in life? Do you think she had a strong sense of self-worth?Would you expect her to be confident or to need guidance? Do youthink it highly unlikely that this girl could grow up to be a healthy,confident, and contributing adult without a lot of therapy?

I can assure you that this girl did not surrender to thelimitations set by her parents and her childhood experiences. Infact, this child is now a confident and respected woman whompeople admire and trust. I can assure you of this because this ismy story, or at least a snippet of it.

If you are saying "wow" or feeling a sense of awe, then I wouldlike to introduce you to your authentic self. It is your genuine selfthat felt awe and joy that this child did not fall into the cracks ofsociety or become an abuser or a drug addict. It is your ego that issurprised, shocked, and doubtful that this is true. Your ego maybe suggesting that there must be a catch, something that is notbeing said or perhaps being exaggerated.

Our ego tells us that surviving such a devastating childhoodis highly improbable and quite rare—especially without therapy,counseling, or rescue. When your ego tells you it is not that simpleand you agree, you do not put a lot of faith in your ability tochange or make much effort to do so. If you want to change yourlife but agree with the limited awareness of your ego, you can besabotaged, confused, challenged, and insecure. You may feel thatyou cannot trust your own thoughts.

I have repeatedly experienced this obstacle. It took me manyyears to understand that the reason I felt stuck, stupid, andhopeless was not because my mother told me these things as achild, but because, forty years later, my ego was still remindingme of these words. For years, I questioned how I could be affectedfor a lifetime by the words and experiences of my early years whenI had no choice but to be where I was. I walked away from thatenvironment forever at twenty-one.

From where I sit today, at fifty-eight, my first twenty-one yearswere a mere blip in my life. My intellect told me it made no sensethat these years should have a grip on me, yet my life's experienceswere textbook for someone with my background: betrayal afterbetrayal, disappointment, heartbreak, loss, bankruptcy, divorce,sabotage, homelessness at forty, cancer, allergies, poor decisions,repeated cycles, and many, many tears. With thousands of volumesof information to consume, I was relentless, intent on figuring outhow something that happened to me so many years ago, somethingout of my control, could have such a hold over me for a lifetime.I read, listened to speakers, attended seminars, studied, did allthe...