>> Eight Common Issues <<

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In this book, I break down the divorce process into eight common fear-inducing issues and provide a variety of physical and metaphysical actions and strategies to overcome each one. In my experience, the way you deal with an issue from the beginning helps tremendously to affect the final outcome. My first piece of advice is not to shrink from confronting each issue head-on. Face each problem from the outset, with confidence that you will ultimately steer through it and all will be well.

Deciding to divorce is usually one of the most excruciating decisions a person will ever make. Whether you have been married to this person for two years or twenty years, separation and divorce often feels like a personal failure. You got married to someone who now seems a most inappropriate match for you. It shakes your self-confidence because it makes you wonder whether you have a fundamental character flaw that caused you to make such a big mistake in judgment in the first place. Or maybe your spouse had some bad habits that you overlooked at first because you were in love, but now you wondered what you were thinking to have not seen the difficulty that was to come. Perhaps you've fallen in love with someone else. This commonly happens when a person has already had some reasonably serious doubts about the marriage working out in the long-term. No matter what precipitates the decision, usually there have been profound moments and possibly prolonged periods of sadness prior to your consideration of the idea.

There are several stages of self-examination that naturally occur. At first, when you consider the option of divorce, it may feel exhilarating and freeing, especially if you have remained in the unhappy relationship for a long while. This is usually a short-lived feeling as the stark reality of the emotional turmoil to come begins to sink in.

The second thing that may occur is self-blame. You could feel guilty for making that significantly bad choice in the first place. You may feel that it is you who has changed and grown away from the union. You might feel that you allowed some weakness in your own character to destroy the relationship. Depending on the reaction of your spouse when you discuss divorce, this guilt could be made extremely intense. You may encounter anger, hysterics, or any range of emotional reactions that will exacerbate a counter reaction inside of you.

The third stage can be an overwhelming feeling of doubt. Have you really considered all other options? You may question whether you really have to go through this divorce to feel happy and fulfilled. This is natural when taking such a big step that will change your life, and the lives of others. Take the time to re-consider. It's worth it. But if the answer to the question of whether or not to divorce is still "yes", it's time to act.

If you are the recipient of the "I want a divorce" news, you may immediately feel as if the rug has been pulled out from under your feet. It may be sudden and unexpected. You may have no idea how to feel. You could go through a wide gamut of emotions before all is said and done. An assertive person may undertake a campaign to attempt to win back or coerce the spouse to change his or her mind. Some people will convince themselves that it's a passing phase because of some recent difficulties. Some of you have already felt a disconnection in your relationship and it makes sense — but that is the rare case. Usually, people will feel helpless, angry, wounded, victimized, or all of the above. You may even go into denial for a while because you are not yet willing to feel the intensity of these emotions.

Regardless of the route there, there will also be a sense of profound sadness. Depression may set in and leave you paralyzed with grief. You may want to analyze your recent behavior, your spouse's recent behavior, or both. As with the spouse who wants the divorce, you may start to feel guilty for some behavior. You may want to assign guilt to your spouse and be the victim. Yes, self-assessment and assessment of the marriage will be necessary to heal.

Be careful to avoid either playing the victim or assuming 100 percent of the blame. Be honest! Try to move into a healing place. Your spouse has probably felt all of these same emotions. He or she just experienced them earlier than you did.

After running the gamut of initial reactions and emotions, what we are left with, plainly and simply, is fear — fear of moving from a comfortable person and routine into the unknown. There are three tangible and practical steps that you can take right away to reduce your initial anxieties.

The first thing you must do is take care of yourself. Find a support group, spiritual counselor, therapist, or coach. At the very least, confide in good friends. Read self-care books. Your own mental and emotional health is of utmost importance in going through the divorce process.

Next, you need to become intimately familiar with your own financial situation. If there is any aspect of the finances of your marriage and family that are unknown to you, become knowledgeable quickly. Gather all personal financial, insurance, employment, and asset documents, files, and records that you have accumulated throughout your adult life, as well as during the marriage, and put them in a safe place. Whether you are initiating the divorce, suspect your spouse is planning one, or have just been informed of a divorce intention, knowing where all the money is, how much there is, and your personal asset history are paramount to your financial well-being. On the spiritual side of this preparation, be thankful and bless the financial situation you are in — whatever that may be. Your marriage may be on the rocks, but your financial journey through a divorce can be protected and stable if your attitude is one of gratitude and trust in your Source.

The third and absolutely crucial action to take on the practical side is to do your research well and find the best, most experienced, and most reputable divorce attorney you can. Get references. If finances are an issue, know that there are many divorce attorneys who will work out some kind of financial plan for your payments so that you can receive good representation. Do not, under any circumstances, look for or hire the super-aggressive attorney who makes promises that seem attack-oriented or underhanded in any way. Ultimately, this will reflect on your own character in the courtroom and will not serve you. Find someone who feels right and is competent. This...