Emotional Intelligence provides practical advice and strategies for improving emotional and social intelligence quotients by embodying the disciplines of personal authenticity: unconditional trust, respect, truth, honesty, fairness, care, openness, and forgiveness. Understanding the emotional effects of blame and the importance of personal accountability will lead to learning and professional success. Personal and professional success in a diverse organization depends on the ability to understand, master, and express emotions-that is, self-mastery-and to perceive and respond to the emotions of the people with whom we live, learn, and work-that is, empathy. These two faculties represent our emotional intelligence, the capacity that determines our actions, personal patterns of interactions, and the pattern and quality of all relationships. It is, therefore, essential to establishing success in the diverse workplace. Fundamentally, a community is a system of relationships between people with common interests. Focusing on commonality raises the priority of appreciating and understanding differences, and this priority comes from within a community rather than being imposed on it from outside. Thus, we must move beyond diversity and differences to commonalities as the foundation for building effective organizations and communities. Learn to refocus your organization on commonalities, develop effective strategies for personal accountability, and aim for success with Emotional Intelligence.

Emotional Intelligence

For the Authentic and Diverse WorkplaceBy Denys Santos Blell

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2011 Denys Santos Blell
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4502-7026-7

Contents

Foreword............................................................5Preface.............................................................8Acknowledgements....................................................13What is Emotional Intelligence?.....................................20Trust and Forgive Unconditionally...................................41Recognize Similarities and Value Commonalties.......................54Recognize and Understand Differences................................57Deal with Personal Prejudice........................................72Build Relationships Across Differences..............................74Manage Differences Before They Become Conflicts.....................80Do Your Best to Keep All Commitments................................85Practice Personal Accountability....................................87Be Fair with Yourself and Others....................................92Listen Carefully for Understanding..................................96Give and Receive Feedback with Care.................................99Be Flexible and Open to New Ideas...................................102Being Your Best at What You Do......................................105Epilogue............................................................122Appendices..........................................................127Emotional Intelligence Quiz.........................................127Emotional Intelligence Profile......................................136Behavioral Coaching Process.........................................139Personal EI Commitment Contract.....................................141Conversation Questions..............................................143References and Suggested Reading....................................144Endnotes............................................................149

Chapter One

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, discipline, and express emotions (impulse management) and to respond to the emotions of those with whom we live, learn, and work. Emotional intelligence determines our personal patterns of interactions and the quality of the relationships we develop. When we are emotionally intelligent we have the ability to control our emotions, which affect the way we relate to others, the quality of our relationships, and our sustained success in the diverse workplace. Emotional intelligence is embodied by emotional self-mastery. We are emotionally intelligent and authentic when, through self-mastery and impulse management, we learn to embody the disciplines of unconditional trust, respect, honesty, truth, fairness, care, openness, and forgiveness.

What is Social Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is about the qualities of the individual, while social intelligence is about the qualities (pattern and type) of social interactions between individuals and among people. These qualities determine the type of relationships and the type of power they collectively generate. Social intelligence means individuals in the group have embodied the disciplines of authenticity and are able to relate to others in ways that build and sustain authentic relationships.

Social intelligence is the capacity for relating to others in a manner that builds and sustains authentic relationships and systems. This type of relationship is defined by what Martin Buber calls "I-Thou" relationships. In short, this means we treat others as subjects and not as objects to be threatened, manipulated, controlled, and used. Subject-to-subject relationships are the foundation of the golden rule.

What Happened to Us?

It is too often the case in modern American society that child-rearing does not lead to emotionally healthy children. Sometime during a child's upbringing, something or someone (consciously or unconsciously; intentionally or unintentionally) hurts the child or a traumatic event leaves a lasting emotional impression (trauma). The level of severity of this traumatic experience (fear) determines how such children are affected after the event. There are two common types of post traumatic impressions: post-traumatic stress disorder and post traumatic stress syndrome, and they determine the level and type of fear experienced and, over time, how the person feels and behaves. Emotions and moods determine patterns of actions and interactions (behavior).

There is an old folk story about a hiker in the desert who angrily chased a rattlesnake that had bit him. He finally cornered and killed the snake thirty minutes later. By the time he realized he needed medical care for the snake bite, the pain had become unbearable; the poison had traveled through his veins to his vital organs. He went into toxic shock a few hours later and died before he could get any help. Had he focused on dealing with the poison immediately, he might have saved his own life. Instead of dealing with the poison, he chased and killed the snake.

Realize that after any hurtful experience, you always have a choice of either dealing with the poison or emotionally chasing the proverbial snake that "bit" you years ago, watching yourself slowly die emotionally from the poison. Accept that though you may not be responsible for the original trauma, you now have the responsibility for doing something about the poison in order to manage its effect on your life, if you are to live and grow emotionally. The choice is yours; exercise it and discover the exhilarating power of free will and volition. You are the one that has the most to gain from dealing with the poison.

Remember that forgiveness is not something that you do for someone else; it is something that you do for yourself. When you stay angry with someone, you have made that person a part of your life. Unconditionally forgiving yourself and those who have hurt you are very powerful ways of healing the pain and shame caused by the hurts and humiliation experienced long ago when the snake bit you.

What is trauma?

The degree of intensity of a traumatic experience determines which of the two types you develop:

1. Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or

2. Post traumatic stress syndrome (PTSS)

In the first, PTSD, the experience was so intense that you believed you were going to lose your life. In the second, PTSS, the experience was not as intense; you were not seriously hurt, but the experience was demeaning and humiliating. The psychological symptoms of the two are the same, except for the degree of intensity. While intensity differentiates PTSD from PTSS, the symptoms are generally the same. They include fear, anxiety, chronic insomnia, guilt, explosive temper, depression, eating disorders, difficulty focusing, substance abuse, and relationship problems.

In both cases, trauma affects breathing, starves the brain of oxygen, and over time determines your mood and how you feel and behave. Walking long distances, as described below, is critical to changing how you breathe. In some cases, however, walking alone may not be sufficient. You may need to seek the help of a professional therapist.

How does trauma affect us over time?

A traumatic experience affects your breathing and how you feel. The amygdala, the part of the emotional brain that is the human alarm system responsible for protecting you...