CHAPTER 1
The Denial
If You're Not Sure Where to Start, Always Start with the Breath
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine, as children do. We were meant to manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some of us but in all of us. And as we shine our own light, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others (Williamson, 1992, pp.190–191).
I have always loved this passage by Marianne Williamson because it is true. Isn't it? We really don't fear failure as much as rising to the top. What will that mean to the people around us? Will we lose them? What if they don't like us anymore? What if they think we are stuck up?
Then what?
We are unhappy because we are longing for quiet, a sense of being grounded, optimistic, open and free energy in our bodies, openheartedness, and in time, peace. But we have had those things all along, just as Dorothy did in The Wizard of Oz. The good witch says, "Just click your heels together and say, 'There's no place like home, no place like home.'" We have always been there, so all we need to do is open up our eyes and hearts and look around at what we have created.
Sometimes there is a payoff in living in failure. You don't need to try. You already know the outcome. It is easier o be depressed than it is to be dynamic! We need to push beyond the disappointments we feel about ourselves. Not following through is letting yourself down. That is much easier than pushing through and putting the pedal to the metal, so to speak, and just getting it done. It is fear that stops us. I understand that, and I have let myself down on many occasions, only to feel very disappointed in myself. We have trouble letting others down, but how many times in our lives have we let down the most important person — ourselves? We don't seem to value the us in our lives. Being called selfish is something we are so afraid of. Were we taught somewhere that self is not important? Selfishness is really self-love. I fight every day to keep myself in the forefront of my life. Not because I am so narcissistic, but rather because I allow everyone to move to the front of my life. The calls I need to make, errands, teaching, stuff for my family, and on and on, take precedence over sitting down and doing things for me. Carving out time to exercise, meet with friends, sit alone and just ponder nothing, take a bath, and go out in nature all get moved to one day on my bucket list. Doing just any one of those things feels better in our bodies and hearts.
Why are we so unhappy if we have everything we need?
Ultimately we want to be good, don't you think? We want to please everyone and make them like us and do well in our jobs. I don't know if men feel this, but most women do: the feeling of needing to be good and right. We want to answer the questions right. We want to be good girls and have everything turn out right in our lives — and have happily ever afters. I see it every day when we won't let ourselves be in the center of our own lives. Everyone else gets a piece of us, so we end up too tired to work out or take time to notice how our bodies are feeling. We are all intuitive; we just need to listen. If you are someone who has never really listened to that little voice inside, it will be quiet at first. If you stick with it and trust it, it will get louder and truer and truer over time.
There is a science behind the joy of sharing joy. In Psychology Today, Emma Seppälä, PhD says, "Positive experiences happen to us every day yet, we don't take full advantage of them." She goes on to ask:
Ever notice that it has been a great day and you got eight hours of sleep, it's the weekend and you just spent quality time with a friend but it takes one harsh word from someone or one piece of bad news to ruin the day? (Seppälä 2013)
Research by Shelley Gable and Jonathan Haidt suggests that we actually have three times more positive experiences than negative ones. What makes us a slave to the bad feeling? Why do those experiences rate higher than our positive ones? ("What (and Why) is Positive Psychology" - "Review of General Psychology" 2005)
Researchers have identified two main tendencies that keep us from expanding, extending, and experiencing our joy: the negative bias and habituation. The negative bias refers to the mind's innate tendency to give more value to the negative, and habituation refers to the fact that while we receive boosts of happiness from new, positive experiences, over time we get used to these experiences and they no longer have the same effect.
I don't think we value our joys enough in this culture. When I started talking to people about what I wanted to do, I received many a blank stare, followed by, "Really? You're writing about that?" Yet, I feel it is so important to notice the joy all around us — to be open to others and allow both the good and the bad feelings of the day to wash through us, to acknowledge them but not to get too attached to either of them. If we can ride the waves of those feelings, in the end we can pick which one we want to land on. The most important point here, beyond all else, is that it starts with the breath and the ability to inhale and exhale, let go, and be present.
Tanya's story:
Tanya was a woman in her mid-fifties who was very unhappy in her life and in her body. She was about forty pounds overweight, and everything weighed her down. She ate too much and drank too much wine.
She had pain in her body, and she was ready to give up. She was negative all the time, and to be totally honest, I don't even know if I liked her at times. She showed up at my studio and wanted help. I asked what she wanted to change about her life, to which she answered, "Everything." That's a nice jumping-off point for me. When people are ready to strip away at the layer that makes them resist everything, then they are ready to begin to move beyond the physical side of what is holding them back. That's a start! We started moving a little at a time and doing a lot of deep breathing.
Breathing to me is essential; it connects us to the deepest part of ourselves and helps us focus inward.
Most of the time, we don't notice our breath. Our breathing is unconscious, and when we allow ourselves to focus on it, we become more centered. We need that,...
