Finding a Life Partner

And Living With After MarriageBy Rajendra Gour

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2011 Rajendra Gour
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4567-2644-7

Contents

Editor's Note – Is There a New Way Coming?............................................xiMy Introduction to Arranged Marriages.......................................................1My Journey to India.........................................................................8My Blind Dates - Matches Just For Me........................................................11Several Prospective Brides..................................................................14My Last Blind Date..........................................................................35Matching The Horoscopes.....................................................................44An Auspicious Day for Marriage..............................................................47Learning to Live In An Arranged Marriage....................................................54Making Your Choice – An Arranged Marriage Or a Courtship Marriage.....................63The Case For An Arranged Marriage...........................................................65How Courtship Can Create a Mixed Marriage...................................................75When You Must Live With Your In-laws........................................................84Changing Behaviour After Marriage...........................................................94Living for Companionship But Not as a Married Couple........................................97Do You Want A Way Out of Marriage?..........................................................101Have Your Say and Live With It Or Make a Change.............................................109Make a Wish and Keep It.....................................................................113Build an Even Better Marriage...............................................................114

Chapter One

My Introduction to Arranged Marriages

I opted to have arranged marriage. That might not be the best method of finding a bride or a groom. But there is also no guarantee that the initial love a couple experiences will blossom into a happy and lasting marriage. So, what is the solution to this dilemma, this contradiction?

In sixties and seventies, Indians living overseas travelled to India to find a bride or groom, a marriage arranged by their parents, relatives, or friends. I was no exception. I went there too from Singapore in 1970 to find a bride. Let me take you there again here. That journey will give you a peek into the prevailing environment and the conditions under which I had to travel. It will also immerse you in Indian and Singapore culture and history.

My parents passed away in the early 1960s. My eldest brother then took their place as head of our family. With this position, came the family responsibilities. We gave him his due respect. He believed that it was his duty to have me marry. So, he started looking for a suitable bride for me.

In the sixties and seventies, Indian boys usually got married as soon as they finished their studies and started earning money. When my brother asked me to get married, I was ready. I was thirty years old, had a good job, and knew I shouldn't delay marriage any longer. But... get married to whom?

I had always avoided falling in love. I thought love was a distraction, and would not be able to concentrate on what I wanted to achieve. I would not be able to commit myself one hundred percent to what I wanted to do. I had given myself few chances to have a girl friend. I was not sociable. However, that did not mean I had no company or friendships. I was one of many like-minded people who were always dreaming about becoming a great film director. We often discussed film concepts over cups of tea in a corner 'tea house' where the present Dhobighaut MRT (mass rapid transport) station stands today. We stayed mostly in the company of boys although sometimes, girlfriends of my friends would join us.

I always kept myself at a distance from girls, even though I enjoyed their company and even admired some of them. Our conversations were strictly related to making movies, however. The girls I knew were either Chinese or Malays. The Chinese girls were mostly Christians or Buddhists, and the Malays were Muslims. Christians and Muslims had a strong belief in their religions. They were good persons as friends. They were caring and adorable. They were open-minded. Yet, when it came to religious matters, they would not give way and change at all. They had to have their say. So, there were very few inter-religious and inter-racial marriages that took place. Those who did marry of course always said that they were in love. Some adopted the religions of their spouses, while others did not. Some ran away from their homes to get married when their parents opposed the marriage. Race always remained the issue. Life was not easy for them as far as I knew. It was also difficult to gain acceptance from both family and society. They were caught in a net of differences, and getting free of that net it was often a major problem. I wanted to escape all these issues, if I could, before being caught in the same net myself. So, I started making personal preparations, gathered my thoughts and reflected on what I was looking for in a girl that I would choose to marry.

For me, when choosing a life partner, the similarities were more important because I thought these were measurable, and I could take a calculated risk, especially where 'match- making' was concerned. I had no such match in Singapore. You can say I did not find it or could not find it. Anyway, the population of Northern Indians was very small at that time. There were very few Indian professionals. Most were labourers, traders or businessmen. Almost all the Indians went to India to get their brides. There was nothing considered to be strange about doing that.

During the 60s and 70s, most of the marriages in India were arranged or 'match made'. I had seen it also in my family. It was based on the assumption that a marriage is a contract (bond) between two families, not between two individuals. The parents used to advocate for them, saying, "We always think the family way, and try to save the families from breaking up by considering all the factors before marriage." They also lamented, "Nowadays the couple's approach is very individualistic."

I recognized the merits of getting the families involved from the very beginning or at least seeking their approval.

The process of arranging marriages was both straightforward and systematic. However, it could also get complex and messy at times depending upon the people who arranged it or did the match making. To know all the facts about a girl or a boy, the intelligence of the middleman had to be very good and reliable. However, the problem was the possibility of the middleman sometimes suppressing or hiding certain information, so that he had to be bribed. He could also tell lies. So, doubts were cast at times on the middleman's honesty and capability. Parents and especially their educated sons and daughters started saying: "A middleman often provides incomplete and unreliable data. He acts as if he is still in the last century. Much emphasis is placed on past experiences, which have become irrelevant. He also selects what suits him best to close the deal." Amidst these doubts, many thought that more ways had to be sought and adopted to know the girl, the boy and their families fully.

Among these new ideas were...