CHAPTER 1
Facing Your Fears
Fear and lack of confidence can prevent people from moving toward full independence. Below is a list of items that may add to that fear. Under each, describe a situation or circumstance that taught you to expect the fear of failure, abandonment, or disappointing others. The first sentence in each section is an example.
Fear of Failure
I feel that if I fail, no one will take me seriously. ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
Fear of Abandonment
I feel that my friends will no longer want to hang out with me. ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
Fear of Disappointing Others
I feel that I am going to disappoint my parents because they have done so much for me. ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
What actions can you take today that will help you overcome your fears and increase your independence? Give yourself a deadline for each action, and stick to it.
Action Date
tell people my plans and goals August 31
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Moving Toward Independence
Depending too much on others can cause you to project responsibility of your own "stuff" onto others. It is important that you are able to make decisions and problem-solve on your own in order to achieve personal independence. Below, brainstorm decisions that you have let others make for you in the past as well as decisions you will make for yourself in the future.
Decisions I Have Let Others Make for Me what college I had to go to
1. _____________________________________________________________
2. _____________________________________________________________
3. _____________________________________________________________
4. _____________________________________________________________
5. _____________________________________________________________
6. _____________________________________________________________
7. _____________________________________________________________
8. _____________________________________________________________
9. _____________________________________________________________
10. ____________________________________________________________
Decisions I Will Make for Myself what friends I will hang out with
1. _____________________________________________________________
2. _____________________________________________________________
3. _____________________________________________________________
4. _____________________________________________________________
5. _____________________________________________________________
6. _____________________________________________________________
7. _____________________________________________________________
8. _____________________________________________________________
9. _____________________________________________________________
10. ____________________________________________________________
What are some positive self-messages ("I am kind to others") you can repeat to remind yourself that you are capable of making decisions and being independent?
Post your reminders throughout your living space so that you will see them throughout your day. You may want to get creative and write your messages on fancy paper or use recipe cards and decorate them with your own unique style.
1. _____________________________________________________________
2. _____________________________________________________________
3. _____________________________________________________________
Setting Goals
We all strive to create goals that we hope to accomplish one day. We often set the bar too high, which makes it difficult for us to reach our goals. We then develop insecurities, shame, and disappointment in ourselves. We begin to feel helpless and useless because nothing ever goes the way we want it to.
When we change our goals to be more realistic or break them down into smaller, more manageable ones, we begin to have feelings of accomplishment and success.
Oftentimes the goals we set are not unrealistic, but the approach we take to accomplish the goal is unrealistic. When I create a goal for myself, I create a multistep processes. I begin by setting an end goal. I then create a list, and it becomes my long-term goal list. Next, I write each goal at the top of a page. I write each goal on a separate sheet of paper. It may seem like a waste of paper, but it will be important as we go along.
With the goal at the top of the paper, I begin to write all the steps that will be required to reach the goal. These smaller steps are my short-term goals. Next to each short-term goal, I write a realistic date of when I think I will complete this step or goal. As I write each goal, I think of the SMART goal process by George T. Doran. "There's a SMART way to write management's goals and objectives" Here is an example of a goal:
Goal: Drink Eight Glasses of Water Each Day
• Specific. Drink one glass of water every two hours.
• Measurable. Make a checklist to keep track of how much water I drink.
• Achievable. Set a timer on my phone that will go off every two hours to remind me to drink a glass of water.
• Realistic.I am awake for at least sixteen...
