CHAPTER 1
ATTEMPTS TO DEFINE "FORGIVENESS"
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. — Lewis B. Smedes
AS CHILDREN, WE were more than likely told that forgiving others was the right thing to do. If we didn't hear it in Sunday school, we heard somewhere, "To err is human, to forgive divine," "Forgiveness is a virtue," "Let bygones be bygones," "Turn the other cheek," and "Forgive and forget." Somebody was always trying to convince us that forgiving another person was the honorable, good, and morally correct thing to do. Many times, along with that instruction came the direct or implied threat of supernatural punishment if we didn't forgive, along with an accumulation of guilt for having held onto a grudge.
Forgiveness has been defined as a voluntary act on the part of a victim to change their attitude toward their offender by releasing and letting go of negative emotions regarding an offense. It has been described as a commitment to giving up grudges, anger, resentment, bitterness, and other hurtful emotional wounds and obstructions to one's peace of mind. Forgiveness has also been described as wiping the slate clean, canceling a debt, or pardoning someone who has wronged you. Now I'm not suggesting that such definitions are wrong, but they are superficial and fail to pierce the depths of one's subconscious storehouse of false beliefs that may be causing hesitation, limitation, procrastination, stagnation, and general unhappiness. These buried beliefs foster low self-worth, blame, resentment, and other deeply submerged agitations, and can only be faced and forgiven when revealed at a conscious level.
There are all kinds of suggestions floating around on how to forgive, including seeing things from the other person's point of view or realizing by holding onto negative reactions we do nothing more than hurt ourselves. These suggestions may soften the intensity of blame and anger, but the results are often short-lived. Very seldom do they have a lasting effect upon the reasoning mind of the victim who seeks justice, revenge, or, at the very least, an apology from the offender.
As a result of some bullying aimed at me when I was a child, I remember my mother trying to comfort me by teaching me to chant back, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!" Later in life, I realized that this had done nothing but fling my anger back at the person who flung their nastiness at me. It may have made me feel a bit stronger, and temporarily pulled me out of my own self-pity, but in reality all it did was add to the debris of unresolved anger in my subconscious mind. I carried this unconscious emotional burden throughout my life. That is until I consciously recognized it for what it was and learned how to truly forgive and free myself.
There are many superficial directives floating around for handling hurt, anger, victimhood, and various other emotional pain. These suggestions or instructions often include the act of forgiveness. But the sad fact is, what most people perceive as forgiveness is simply an "out of sight, out of mind" approach in an effort to make themselves feel better. They then become blind to what's stored in the subconscious mind, weighing them down and burdening them like a heavy, toxic emotional backpack. This invisible backpack often grows over time and impedes their progress toward a life of fulfillment and success. Very few have grasped the fact that unforgiveness lurking in the mind and heart eventually takes a toll on one's physical and mental health and well-being, as well as the joy of living.
The one thing most everyone seems to agree on is that forgiveness opens the way for greater health, happiness, and freedom to move on with one's life. But what is it, really? How do you actually do it? And how do you know for sure that it's been done? Oh, it could be a matter of simply letting go, but what in the world does that mean?
Before I offer my viewpoint on what forgiveness really is, I think it's important to clarify what unforgiveness is so that you know what you're dealing with as you apply the Forgiveness Process.
What Is Unforgiveness?
The answer to this question seems obvious. Most everyone would say that unforgiveness is the opposite of forgiveness.
Well, to expand upon the obvious, unforgiveness is the emotional replay of past events in the present moment every time someone or something triggers a memory of those events. Unforgiveness is about being frozen or stuck in a mental and emotional reaction to a perceived wrong aimed in your direction. Once you react with hurt feelings, self-pity, feelings of abandonment, resentment, bitterness, anger, hatred, or revenge, and then continue to indulge in these feelings when reminded of the memory, that is unforgiveness.
For many, unforgiveness is an "eye for an eye" mentality, a burning desire to get back at the perpetrator and the insistence that the culprit pay for what he or she did.
Unforgiveness can also apply to one's attitude toward one's self. A person may be anchored or emotionally stuck in the goo of self-blame, shame, or guilt, with no lasting remedy for truly forgiving him- or herself and enjoying the freedom of self-respect and self-acceptance.
Most people simply do not understand how damaging unforgiveness can be to their mind, body, and spirit. Emotional resentment can fester and grow, poisoning your spirit and burdening your soul. These debilitating and toxic feelings create blocks of emotional interference that make the experience of happiness, peace, and well-being impossible, or at best, rare. In short, unforgiveness is painful. Break the word painful into smaller words, and you get "pay-in-full."
Many are taught from a young age that unforgiveness is sinful and unacceptable. The leverage used to encourage forgiveness has been the fear of retaliation from a judgmental God. As a result, many people claim to have forgiven someone when, in fact, that claim is just empty words, a naïve assertion that...
