CHAPTER 1

ACT I

SETTING: DEOLA's living room.

AT RISE: The SOUNDS of Donny Hathaway's voice SINGING "Magdalena" fill the room. Lights come up on DEOLA. Bustling around a comfortable living room, she is bringing in a card table and three card table chairs and dancing to the MUSIC. STAGE LEFT is a swinging kitchen door.

UP CENTER is a doorway which leads to the master bedroom and bathroom. STAGE RIGHT is the front door. There is a worn sofa DOWN RIGHT just under the big picture window. A TV console fills up STAGE LEFT as well as a lived-in reclining easy chair. Just to the left of the master bedroom exit is a closet door. DEOLA extracts a Goodwill Industries used card table from the closet. She places the card table STAGE CENTER. Then she moves the three identical card table chairs into place. She EXITS into the kitchen and REAPPEARS with a kitchen chair. She places it at the table. There is a bookcase on the UPSTAGE LEFT wall. She goes to the case and picks up two decks of cards. One deck is red, one deck is blue.

DEOLA is a dog groomer by profession and does psychic work as a hobby. She is flamboyant, sexy, and a natural charmer. She has to be – it's good for business.

She loves wearing hoop earrings, scarves, and lots of bracelets that symbolize all sorts of metaphysical stuff. The dance is playful and comical.

She CROSSES to the front door and opens it just as a female hand is about to knock. DEOLA CROSSES to a TAPE DECK sitting on the bookcase and turns it OFF. The MUSIC STOPS.

The hand at the door belongs to JOCENIA. She ENTERS the living room. She is beautiful, coiffed, elegant, and a walking encyclopedia of the best of what money can buy. She is also very spoiled. She is carrying Beverly Hills, Rodeo Drive shopping bags.

JOCENIA

I wish you wouldn't do that.

DEOLA

Do what?

JOCENIA

Open the door before I knock.

DEOLA

But I knew you were coming.

JOCENIA

I don't care. It freaks me out.

DEOLA

The biggest freak in Beverly Hills is afraid of a little psychic energy?

JOCENIA

Being a sexual freak is one thing, but communing with invisible gremlins is not my idea of good wholesome fun.

DEOLA

Gremlins can be fun.

JOCENIA

Yes, but would you want to be screwed by one?

DEOLA

I have been screwed by one; and it was quite a wonderful experience.

JOCENIA

Oh, Deola, stop it.

DEOLA

As a matter of fact, I told him about you and he wants your address.

JOCENIA

That's not funny.

DEOLA

I told him I had to check with you to see if you wanted your number given out.

JOCENIA

Okay you win.

DEOLA

I know you've been screwed a lot of different ways, but believe me when my little gremlin gets a hold of you, you'll be hitting notes higher than Aretha Franklin.

JOCENIA

I give, I give. You win. Let's change the subject. Do you want to see some of the goodies I picked up?

DEOLA

Extending James' credit line again are we?

JOCENIA

He loves me. If it makes me happy, it makes James happy.

(JOCENIA goes into a Saks Fifth Avenue bag and produces a pair of elegant shoes)

DEOLA

Whoa! Those are classy.

(JOCENIA takes off her shoes and puts on the high heels. She stands up and becomes an Ebony Fashion Fair model. She walks around the room modeling the shoes. Clothes are her thing and DEOLA enjoys her antics)

JOCENIA

Can't you just see me in my Victoria's Secret red see-through nightie? Oh, yes! Steam on the windows!

DEOLA

You hussy!

JOCENIA

And loving it.

(DEOLA goes into the kitchen.

JOCENIA smells something peculiar. Then she puts on a pair of fancy sunglasses)

JOCENIA

By the way, who did you get to take Juanita's place tonight?

DEOLA (O.S.)

(From the kitchen)

An old friend of mine from college. Edna Cyrus.

JOCENIA

Have I ever met her?

(DEOLA ENTERS with a plate of carrots. She places the carrots on the table.)

DEOLA

I don't think so. She moved back here from Texas. Her husband divorced her and she's trying to heal her wounds.

JOCENIA

Was it ugly?

DEOLA

Like warts on a witch's behind. Do me a favor, don't bring up ex-husbands unless she does.

JOCENIA

No problem. I know when to keep my mouth shut.

DEOLA

This I got to see.

JOCENIA

So, does she know how to play the game?

DEOLA

She's an excellent player.

JOCENIA

Good, you can have her. I want Maude.

DEOLA

Jocenia, what about rotation?

JOCENIA

Nope, no, no, no. She's your friend, you take her.

DEOLA

If we send you to Boston, you'll be sorry.

JOCENIA

I'll take my chances with Maude. Maude is coming, isn't she?

DEOLA

Maude will be here and I predict she will be on time.

JOCENIA

Oh, please, give me a break.

DEOLA

Do you want to see my sign?

JOCENIA

I know your sign. Scorpio.

DEOLA

No, this is for my dog grooming business. Hold on, be right back.

(DEOLA EXITS UP CENTER to the master bedroom. JOCENIA goes to another shopping bag and pulls out a fancy hat. There is a mirror above the bookcase.

JOCENIA looks at herself.

DEOLA REENTERS the room.

She is carrying a five-foot pink sign with blue lettering. The words say: "MADAME MAGDALENA'S METAPHYSICAL READINGS")

JOCENIA

Very nice. Who did it?

DEOLA

Good, huh? A friend of Harrison's at the studio.

JOCENIA

Not just good, excellent.

DEOLA

You really like it?

JOCENIA

I love it. Just one question ... who's Magdalena?

DEOLA

Me. I'm Magdalena.

JOCENIA

This is going to come as a shock to a lot of your friends, myself included. I've been calling you Deola for as long as I can remember. Now I find out you're really Magdalena?

DEOLA

Not Magdalena ... Madame Magdalena.

JOCENIA

Madame Magdalena?

DEOLA

It's a business decision.

JOCENIA

Let me get this straight. You expect people to get their dogs groomed. Clipped, cut, and manicured, and their palms read?

DEOLA

Not necessarily in that order, but yes. Sure. That's the idea and it's definitely okay with me.

JOCENIA

So, Deola, what am I supposed to call you?

DEOLA

Call me Madame. Look, Jocenia, haven't you been watching TV lately? Psychics are all over the tube. Dionne Warwick is making a fortune and she's just introducing them. I really am psychic.

JOCENIA

So, you turned your shop in to a canine salon with a fortune telling booth?

DEOLA

This is the `Nineties. A woman has got to find a way to be as enterprising as possible.

JOCENIA

But Deola, why should a person come to you when they can use the phone and call Dionne?

DEOLA

Three reasons: I'm cheaper, I'm better, and I won't sing "Do You Know the Way to San Jose."

JOCENIA

Cool. So, what's tonight's culinary theme? I hope you're not serving just carrots for the game.

DEOLA

No, I got some other stuff.

JOCENIA

Like what?

DEOLA

Celery.

JOCENIA

Yuck!

(DEOLA EXITS into the kitchen.

JOCENIA looks at the carrots and starts to eat one, but thinks better of it. She puts the carrot back, Then she goes over to one of her shopping bags and pulls out a long fancy leopard-print...