Freedom, Sweet Freedom

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In August 2013, I woke one day to realize my lifelong journey of self-discovery was about to take another significant turn. I had lost my way again; I had lost my freedom.

Freedom. Sweet freedom. We met, embraced, danced, and vowed never to part. Slowly, very slowly, we grew apart, despite my promise to never leave you. The times we visited became fewer and fewer, until one day, I woke up and realized I had lost my way again. I had lost you, sweet freedom.

I know it is a bit dramatic, but I recently realized that freedom is a state of mind and the environment is only the backdrop. It sounds so simple, but the concept was lost on me my entire life! I think that might be where I got confused so many years ago.

I only experienced glimpses of freedom in extreme sports and adventures, but not in my daily life. For the most part, I had always done what was expected of me. I have worked long, hard hours to pay for a house, a car, and family vacations. I have strived to be Supermom by almost singlehandedly organizing a large school fun fair, volunteering for countless kid-related organizations, running from one sports activity to another, and essentially taking on so much that sleeping became less and less of an option. I did that because it was what a loving, dedicated mother is supposed to do, right?

I was promoted at work and moved into a high-pressure role, despite the fact that I did not want the promotion. I tried to be the best daughter/sister/friend that I could be, and so on and so on. I lived my life based on what other people expected of me, what society said I should do, and what I thought was right.

I did have a brief moment in my life when I came face-to-face with the state of freedom. When I remembered what my soul knew to be true. I knew in that moment that I could live in a state of freedom, regardless of the scenery.

In 2008, I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. At thirty-eight, I was the executive director of a nonprofit organization and a single mother of two beautiful, active, and spirited girls. I was constantly on the go. I could easily have been crowned "Independent Woman of the Year." The diagnosis was a blow beyond anything I had ever experienced.

I immediately decided to take some time off from work to create a care plan for myself. How would I begin making a care plan for a single mom who would soon become highly dependent on others? I had always enjoyed adventures and pushing myself beyond my comfort zone, but I knew I needed a spiritual awakening. I needed something that would shake up my world, help me see my life differently, and something to move me from seeing my future as doomed.

I called a friend and said, "Have you ever considered skydiving?"

A few days later, I found myself in the door of an airplane, fourteen thousand feet above the earth, ready to take a leap of faith. I trust! I trust in this moment I am dependent on another with my life. I free myself of needing to be so independent that I forget all the wonderful gifts needing gives. I release myself to really live!

As we left the plane, I was in complete awe. I forgot that I was supposed to smile for the camera guy. I forgot that I was falling at 120 miles per hour. I forgot that I was afraid of what tomorrow would bring. Instead, I couldn't take my eyes off the ground, in awe, in appreciation, in a state of pure joy. I trusted my instructor to take care of me. I trusted myself to do my required tasks, and I trusted the experience. It was the ultimate sense of freedom!

Eighteen months later, so much of my life had been transformed and, from that, one of the gifts was my neurologist clearing me; my brain was cured.

I knew freedom! How over the next three short years did I forget it? How did I get to where I am today? I slowly went back to my work routine, and life's perceived expectations started to fall back into place.

Today, without having to jump from a plane, I am embracing (or more accurately, remembering) the realization that freedom is a state of mind—and the physical environment is just the setting. Today, at the end of one of my meetings, I went for a walk to the store. I left my desk and did not feel guilty that I lost twenty minutes of work.

As I walked to my car at the end of the day, I smiled to each person I passed on the street with no expectation that any of them would smile back at me. I did it because it felt good. When I got home, I played loud music and danced wildly in my kitchen, despite the fact that my neighbor was cutting his lawn and likely could hear and see me. There it was again—freedom, my sweet freedom!

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Behind the Writing

The idea that freedom is a state of mind and the environment is just the backdrop seems so simple. And when you change the way you think, it truly becomes that easy. Having said that, this is a daily practice for me, and some days are easier than others.

As I wrote the above journal entry, I was just days into starting my first blog. There was something freeing about being honest, real, and just me—in a very public way! The experience quickly became healing. It was not only the act of journaling; the sharing with others was awakening my connection to my soul.

Whether creating a blog or using a personal journal, I have found that daily writing provides a rich resource to look back on and understand patterns of thoughts and behaviors. It provides an opportunity to look for consistencies and contradictions in thoughts and behaviors and an opportunity to view the gap between where one currently is versus where one would like to be (to explore who I am versus who I wish to be).

Take a minimum of ten minutes out of your day to capture your thoughts. Some questions to get you started might be:

• What did you learn about yourself today?

• What does freedom mean to you?

• Does the thought of sharing your experience with others in a public forum, such as a blog, appeal to you? Why or why not? If not, is it because of fear?

• How is fear a barrier to your sense of freedom?

• How does fear block your experience of freedom in your day-to-day experiences?

• How well do you really know yourself?

Consider how you might want to capture these thoughts: in a journal, a blog, or in...