CHAPTER 1
Be Responsible
"Deaf-Mutes, Idiots and Minors are exempt from all the precepts of the Torah." – The Talmud
"If you don't run your own life, somebody else will."-John Atkinson
When you take responsibility for your life, you are better situated to live the best life you can and weather the storms life inevitably brings you. This reduces stress because when you make your own decisions and manage the details of your reality, you are not under the control and authority of others as much as you are when you yourself do not exercise that control. Think about it. Because you require things like food, shelter, clothing, companionship, and medical care to exist, if you do not make the decisions that best fulfill these needs, someone else is going to make them for you. You will always have more control over, and less stress in, your life when that someone is you. This is because you have the ability and inclination to be the friend to yourself that other people may not be. To put it differently, because it is likely you love yourself more than anyone else does, you will make better decisions for yourself than anyone else would. However, being responsible will not simply reduce your stress in some general sense. It will reduce it in every situation in which you find yourself, and it will do so in direct proportion to how responsible you are. In short, the more control you have over your life, the less stress you (will) experience. Moreover, when you take responsibility for everything in your life, including your past, present, and future, you reduce your stress even more. Unfortunately, this does not mean that when you are responsible you will not have stress. You will. You will still worry and make mistakes. Your kids will get into trouble, your significant other will not always act to your liking, your boss will still be a jerk, and you may fall behind with your bills. It is important that you realize this, because if you don't, you may very well derail your attempts to reduce stress and improve yourself. That being said, "being in the driver's seat," which is where responsibility places you, is guaranteed to reduce stress in any situation.
Yet, many of us seem to have a problem with responsibility, at least to some extent. For example, many of us are not responsible when it comes to money, and others who are in control of their money are frequently not the most responsible of parents. Others who are good parents are irresponsible when it comes to their careers. Still others who invest well in their careers are uninspired to broaden their horizons. Finally, many good, cultured, and educated parents and professionals are not active in community affairs. However, even those who appear to have it all together, whether as spouses, parents, wage-earners, or community activists, often do not take the best care of themselves emotionally or physically. This applies not only at the individual level but globally as well. It is curious that although we can send people to the moon, innovate state-of-the-art medical treatments, and achieve significant breakthroughs in many areas that benefit us, many of us are broke, underpaid, underutilized, overweight, smoking, cynical couch potatoes, who just cannot manage to be completely responsible for ourselves.
Responsibility does not depend on fault
One reason for this is that we are taught, often from a very early age, that if something is not our fault we are not responsible for it. This belief is so widespread it has created a "victim culture" in which we are not at fault for anything! If we are overweight it is because fast food is too available, we did not learn healthy eating habits, we do not have time to eat properly or exercise, etc. We smoke because the tobacco industry manipulates the nicotine in cigarettes to keep us hooked, we've been smoking far too long to quit, we're exposed to secondhand smoke anyway, we have too much stress, etc. If we have less than optimal relationships with our spouses and children, it is because we work too hard and cannot spend enough time with them, our spouses don't understand us, our kids don't respect us, there is a generation gap, and so on. Although all of us occasionally rationalize our behavior this way, it is important to realize that if you truly want to, you can always stop smoking. If your family is important enough, you will find time for them. If you need to lose weight, you can always find a way to reduce.
The truth is that our excuses degrade us and cheapen our relationships by taking the seriousness and worthiness out of them. Think about it. If your significant other, your children, and your very self are mere fodder for excuses, what does this say about who you are, what you think about yourself and the person you could be, as well as those who should be important to you? Also, excuses exist in direct proportion to responsibility. A good rule of thumb is the more excuses you hear someone make for why things are not working in her life, the less responsible that person is.
Moreover, responsibility is not synonymous with fault, i.e., you are responsible for everything in your life, even what you do not cause. If you smoke, it is your responsibility to stop, for if you don't, it will be your body, and not that of your parents, children, boss, spouse, friends, enemies, or co-workers that becomes diseased. If you are overweight or out of shape, it is your responsibility to reduce and get fit, for if you don't, you and no one else will suffer from shortness of breath and reduced stamina. If you do not take the time to invest in your relationships, you will be the one who fails to reap the benefits such connections can afford, attachments that can yield some of the greatest joys in life. To better appreciate that you are always responsible for your life, consider the following unfortunate story:
When I was growing up in Hollywood, Florida, drug dealers would kidnap teenagers and hold them hostage for a month. During that time, the dealers would forcibly inject the teens with drugs to literally create new customers. In fact, these teenagers were released only after they had become drug addicts. It is hard to imagine another scenario in which persons can be as entirely without blame for a negative consequence as these teens were. Accordingly, you may believe that because these teens are not at fault for what happened to them because they did not cause it, they are not responsible for their addictions....
