Powerful Baby Steps

You might be thinking, Who is this Martin Cohen? Why should I trust him when I've been trying so hard and nothing has changed? All my clients think this way. But then we move ahead, and their lives begin to shift.

In our first meeting, I request of my clients the following: they must generate a new action and take a powerful baby step. This demonstrates the possibility of transforming their relationships by using my coaching guidelines. If they cannot take the baby step, the journey will not proceed. For you, taking a baby step will help you to see how far you can go with the guidelines provided in this book. Take the baby step.

If you decide this doesn't work for you, that's your choice. You can put the book down, complain about it at your local bookstore, ship it back to Amazon, delete it from your tablet, or dump it in the trash. But if you do choose to take the powerful baby step, your life will change. You will noticeably alter how your partner relates to you. I've seen my clients' relationships transform almost instantly in front of me. In mere minutes! The baby step is that powerful.

your First Baby Step

You can take this first powerful baby step on your own. Typically, I recommend that clients do it without telling their partners. That way they will see the shift in their dynamic as a couple without the possibility that it is merely a placebo effect. If you want to tell your partner after you see the shift, then this works as a good way to announce that you are being coached.

So, here's your baby step. For the next week, look for opportunities to authentically acknowledge your partner. What I mean by this is to verbally recognize and confirm her or his specific contributions to your relationship. You may acknowledge anything you like, from physical tasks like taking out the trash or cooking dinner to more emotional contributions like actively listening or contributing to a discussion of your day.

If he smiles at you in a way you like, tell him you like it. If she offers to buy dinner, say, "I appreciate that. Great. Thank you." Once you change the way you relate to your partner, she or he will respond in kind. Your interactions will stand out and your communications will be different from what you have established as your pattern.

A crucial part of this baby step is that you not use it as a technique. Your partner will pick up on any attempt at manipulation, so don't try too hard. If you make a conscious effort to observe the little things that happen between you, you will notice plenty of opportunities to authentically acknowledge your partner. When you find one, say something. Then sit back and observe the response.

This baby step is powerful because when a man feels authentically acknowledged, he feels empowered to take care of his woman — not only to take care of her, but to take great care of her — and when a woman feels authentically acknowledged, she experiences being known and profoundly respected. Your partner may increase how often he holds your hand in public, or she may want to be intimate more often when you're in private. She may show you more affection; he may treat you with greater respect. When you authentically acknowledge your partner on a consistent basis, you experience being profoundly respected. This is because when your partner feels acknowledged and taken care of, you will experience being respected.

This simple baby step — offering authentic acknowledgment for a week — will lead to greater appreciation. The appreciation will be felt by both of you, and this will create a snowball effect. The positive results will continue to expand. After taking your first baby step, you may be encouraged by the results. However, you will most likely still feel that having an extraordinary relationship with your partner is a long shot, a far off dream that might never come true. Most of my clients feel this way in the beginning, but if you are open to not knowing everything and open to the coaching in this book, you will have the transformation in your relationship that you desire. You might not believe it right now, but soon enough you will see even more incredible results. Then you will be certain.

Take Another Step

Maybe you had terrific results with the first baby step and want to attempt another one. Or perhaps the reaction you saw from your partner was just so-so, and you're not quite convinced my coaching will work for you. Either way, the second baby step is important. Take this step and you will be amazed at the results. The next time you and your partner begin to argue about something, see if you can change what you say into a request. Instead of saying, "I don't really like it when ..." or "I hate it when ..." or "You drive me nuts when ..." you can say, "Would you mind if I made a request? You don't have to accept it, but I'd appreciate it if you would ..."

Most of us are used to arguing. We're used to the pinball game of going back and forth with words. We say something we know will trigger a reaction, and then we watch that reaction, which in turn escalates our partner's reaction. Pretty soon we're throwing tantrums or taking ourselves away, refusing to speak to one another or exploding and saying unforgivably hurtful things.

When you make a request, it stops the pinball game. A request makes the other person stop yelling and stop being defensive because she or he needs to think. This forces the other person to engage with the question and the request, which stops the argument and begins a new conversation. That doesn't necessarily mean the fight will be resolved, because your request can always be denied, but it does mean you'll stop...