The transition from child to teen can be a very challenging time for parents, watching a child grow up and begin to pull away from the family unit, wanting to spend more and more time with peers. They wonder why their children don't want to spend as much time doing the 'family thing' with them. It's important to understand that, as children grow into teens, they begin to look toward their future; by pulling away from their families; they are simply searching for independence. The teenage years are often when issues arise; parents continue to want to play a supportive role in their child's life, while the teens are fighting to stand on their own. Many parents feel that their children still need guidance as they deal with the many issues that face teens today: drugs, alcohol, and extreme peer pressure, as well as emotional struggles. Teens want to figure these things out by themselves. How do parents and teens find balance in their relationships? How can parents connect with teens and encourage them to speak openly and to trust them? In Don't Give Up on Your Kids, S. J. Carr shares some of the things she has learned over the years in her extensive work with children and teens-most notably, why it's important to never give up.

Don't Give Up on Your Kids

Understanding and Believing in TeensBy S. J. Carr

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2010 S. J. Carr
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4502-6847-9

Contents

Chapter One.......................1Chapter Two.......................9Chapter Three.....................18Chapter Four......................27Chapter Five......................34Chapter Six.......................41Chapter Seven.....................47Chapter Eight.....................55Chapter Nine......................66Chapter Ten.......................78

Chapter One

~Misunderstood~

A common complaint from teens is that they feel misunderstood: they feel as if nobody understands where they are coming from. This feeling, however warranted, creates friction between the teen and the parent. The teenage years can be a very difficult time; teenagers feel as if they are grown up but, at the same time, feel confused about what their future holds. They may be going through so many biological changes that they themselves may not know why they feel the way they do. It can be a very trying time for both the parent and the teen.

Conflicts arise between parents and teen when the teens feel that they are grown up and don't need parental guidance anymore. They feel that they can make decisions about their own life. Parents feel that they are trying to help their teens and still need control over their teens' lives. This is where the conflicts begin. The truth is both the teens and the parents are right, which is why the "heated discussions" begin.

Teens are looking for independence while parents don't want to let go of the control.

From the parents' view: Parents sometimes feel that their teens are too irresponsible, immature and impulsive to make informed decisions about their own lives. How can wild and crazy teens make decisions that will affect their future? Parents are afraid that if they allow their teens to make decisions, they will make wrong choices that can affect their future. While these are all potentially true, there comes a point when you have to let go and hope that you have instilled in them the proper values and morals that will enable them to make the right choices. They may not always make the right choices, but after all, life is a learning process.

From the teens' view: Growing up means being grown up. They feel that since they are "not kids anymore", they should be able to make decisions about their own lives and don't want their parents telling them what to do. The more the parents try to "interfere" in their lives, the more they feel they have to pull away.

~Overwhelmed~

As adults, we may think that teens have it made, that they have no real responsibilities. Adults may assume that all teens have to do is get up, go to school, socialize, finish their day at 3:30 and continue to socialize with their friends. Parents may also think that just because teens don't have to worry about paying the mortgage and bills, that they are getting off easy and shouldn't complain.

But teens do have responsibility and feel pressure. Not only do they have to live up to your expectations and schooling, they also have the pressures of fitting in socially within their peer groups. While this may not seem like a big deal to adults, it can be a very challenging and stressful time for teens who are struggling to find themselves. Some teens feel that they don't fit in anywhere. They may be struggling both academically and socially at school, and may also be having problems relating to their parents at home. It doesn't take much for teens to feel overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed feelings can lead to frustration, anger and a total breakdown of communication. They just stop caring. When they stop caring, they can turn to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain.

When teens feel too much pressure and have no one to talk to, they may become unsure of what to do or where to turn and begin to internalize these feelings. Many times, they feel alone and feel as though they are the only ones who are feeling like this. Even if they do have friends they can talk to, they may choose not to, out of the fear of being ridiculed. They may act as if everything is fine, even if they are in turmoil inside.

This is why it is important to know your teens. If you can sense when your teens are having a hard time, then you may be able to validate their feelings and let them know that mixed-up feelings and turmoil can be a normal part of growing up. Let them know that you don't expect them to be perfect; reassure them and accept them as they are.

In order to understand them, we need to try to see things from their point of view. In their eyes, life may not be that easy, and although they may not have the same pressures that adults face, they have different stresses that are equally valid. Be open and honest with them, share stories from your youth, things that you may have gone through. Sometimes it helps to know that they are not the only ones who have ever felt confused.

Overwhelmed with school: When they feel overwhelmed, instead of telling them what to do, help them work through the issues by breaking them down. It is much easier to deal with one issue at a time than to sort out everything at once. By helping them break down their problems into smaller ones, it makes the problem seem much more bearable and provides them with problem-solving skills that they can carry with them throughout their lives. Keep the lines of communication open and do frequent check-ins with them, just touching base. If they are having problems at school, encourage them talk to their teachers instead of avoiding the issue by skipping classes. If teachers are aware that they are having problems, they can work with your teens and help them, without making the teens feel bad or worthless.

If your teens have approached the teachers and nothing is being done, don't give up: have them talk to their guidance counselor or principal. There are many different avenues that school boards can take when teens are having problems.

Classroom settings don't work for everyone. Some teens like to work independently at their own pace while still attaining the credits needed to graduate.

Working independently takes away the classroom pressures of peers knowing how quickly or slowly they work. They don't have to keep up with their peers; they can simply work at their own pace. When working independently, they can remain in the classroom, go into a separate class where there are several kids working independently or, in some cases, they can take independent study booklets home. It really does take away a lot of pressure and makes them feel independent and good about themselves and their future.

Skipping:

Many parents and teachers reading this many not agree with what I am going to say, however I feel it is important to mention as it is a big problem for many parents and teens and leads to many arguments. I'm going to discuss the issue of skipping. Skipping can be part of being a teen, most teens have skipped at some point. The important thing for your teens to realize is that there are differences in skipping.

When my kids started high school, I had a realistic talk with them, I told them that I didn't expect them to never skip a class. What I told them is that they are the ones who are responsible for their education and their future. I explained that they may be able to miss the odd class or two and still keep up their grades, but it becomes a...